As this moment in life and time, I've yet again been putting of my own development until the Higher Ones couldn't take it anymore and had to put my on my track once more. You know when they say: If you listen to the whispers of the universe, you don't have to hear it shouting at you? Well, It seems I've got a selective deafness when it comes to the whispers of de universe for my own benefit. For others, yeah, I hear them, work with them, give to them, but for myself: nope, not even all the eartrumpets in the world would be helpful.
Anyway: Three years ago my life was humming along nicely, I practiced the wheel of the year with a band of friends ranging from wiccans, shamans (some plastic, some otherwise) and just general pagans. I'd bought a nice new house, opened my new company with my s.o. who is my soulmate, and life was good. Then the yeargroup fell apart, mainly because the force of the ratrace took over, I forgot to take vacations or even days of, I didn't know the moon and seasons anymore. Getting more and more tired, I went from tea, to coffee, to redbulls to keep going. When I litterally fell apart two years ago, I went to the doc, and she concluded: "You had acute mononucleosis six months ago (she probably thought:"you idiot"). Take rest, take good care of yourself, there's nothing we can do at this point."
Went home, rested a few days and got antsy. I couldn't rest anymore (even after I quit the energydrinks), meditation seemed impossible, when I was in the woods I got spacey, so working was my only way of grounding. So after a few days seeing my s.o. strugling with running the office on his own, I stepped back in, and on we went for another year.
The joy got lost along the way... Workquality suffered, business suffered, s.o. suffered, stress mounted. Fatigue stayed. According to the doc last week, I've created myself a nice case of CFS. To be sure she wants to put me trough the whole mill of tests to see if it can't be anything else, but I won't do that now, because it'll be to stressful and deep inside I know what has happened: I got complacent and then I got disconnected, from life, from the source, and from myself. Wanna know what's really frustrating: I've studied for five years to become a naturopath, I graduated four years ago on a casestudy on a girl with CFS that I got quite a lot better through my work with her, and now I got stuck in the same hole and it's impossible to help yourself. One just can't be her own therapist. So, there's this bank of knowledge in my head that I can't work with, there's the fatigue and fuzzy mind that don't make things better, and there's this feeling that I brought this on myself. All in all, not really great... (Although I think that the Higher Ones are rolling on their backs with laughter for the way they made this circle go round, I don't blame them, if I didn't feel so crappy I'd think it's hilarious myself).
The insights are coming back, and part of regaining a structure has been the step to order the Bard-course to retrace and relearn my knowledge in a way that has always been appealing but I just never got around to it. But still, I'm stuck with the physical limitations and struggle to gain back the momentum in my life.
I've reached the point where I can only tell my story and ask for help, ideas, tips, support, a hug. Anything is welcome and will be accepted with gratitude.
Thank you for taking your time to read my story...