Chronic Fatigue/M.E./CFS

[ShadowCat]

Hi All,

As this moment in life and time, I've yet again been putting of my own development until the Higher Ones couldn't take it anymore and had to put my on my track once more. You know when they say: If you listen to the whispers of the universe, you don't have to hear it shouting at you? Well, It seems I've got a selective deafness when it comes to the whispers of de universe for my own benefit. For others, yeah, I hear them, work with them, give to them, but for myself: nope, not even all the eartrumpets in the world would be helpful.

Anyway: Three years ago my life was humming along nicely, I practiced the wheel of the year with a band of friends ranging from wiccans, shamans (some plastic, some otherwise) and just general pagans. I'd bought a nice new house, opened my new company with my s.o. who is my soulmate, and life was good. Then the yeargroup fell apart, mainly because the force of the ratrace took over, I forgot to take vacations or even days of, I didn't know the moon and seasons anymore. Getting more and more tired, I went from tea, to coffee, to redbulls to keep going. When I litterally fell apart two years ago, I went to the doc, and she concluded: "You had acute mononucleosis six months ago (she probably thought:"you idiot"). Take rest, take good care of yourself, there's nothing we can do at this point."

Went home, rested a few days and got antsy. I couldn't rest anymore (even after I quit the energydrinks), meditation seemed impossible, when I was in the woods I got spacey, so working was my only way of grounding. So after a few days seeing my s.o. strugling with running the office on his own, I stepped back in, and on we went for another year.

The joy got lost along the way... Workquality suffered, business suffered, s.o. suffered, stress mounted. Fatigue stayed. According to the doc last week, I've created myself a nice case of CFS. To be sure she wants to put me trough the whole mill of tests to see if it can't be anything else, but I won't do that now, because it'll be to stressful and deep inside I know what has happened: I got complacent and then I got disconnected, from life, from the source, and from myself. Wanna know what's really frustrating: I've studied for five years to become a naturopath, I graduated four years ago on a casestudy on a girl with CFS that I got quite a lot better through my work with her, and now I got stuck in the same hole and it's impossible to help yourself. One just can't be her own therapist. So, there's this bank of knowledge in my head that I can't work with, there's the fatigue and fuzzy mind that don't make things better, and there's this feeling that I brought this on myself. All in all, not really great... (Although I think that the Higher Ones are rolling on their backs with laughter for the way they made this circle go round, I don't blame them, if I didn't feel so crappy I'd think it's hilarious myself).

The insights are coming back, and part of regaining a structure has been the step to order the Bard-course to retrace and relearn my knowledge in a way that has always been appealing but I just never got around to it. But still, I'm stuck with the physical limitations and struggle to gain back the momentum in my life.

I've reached the point where I can only tell my story and ask for help, ideas, tips, support, a hug. Anything is welcome and will be accepted with gratitude.
Thank you for taking your time to read my story...

Cheers,
Cat

[LoneWalker]

Here's a hug

[Woodfox]

I love this quote:

If you listen to the whispers of the universe, you don't have to hear it shouting at you?

Brilliant.

Out of curiosity, why can you not be your own therapist? Is it the bias?

[Aphritha]

I couldn't be my own therapist either. Being a Libra, I can sit and argue with myself and make a bad idea seem like a good one, and come up with enough proof to make it seem so. Plus, its always nice to have a sounding board and outside encouragement/ideas.
You seem a bit angry with yourself, ShadowCat! Its alright to kick ourselves in the butt from time to time, but I wouldn't make it a daily habit. It'll only add to the stress! You've acknowledged that you screwed up, but it'll help to acknowledge everything you do right, too. Write it down if you have to. (I have to write myself notes at night to assure myself in the morning I didn't screw up the day too bad )
Every little thing counts. If you find it difficult to do much now, maybe tracking the moon and the seasons would help you feel a sense of connection. You could check to see what sign and phase the moon it in, or take a few minutes to sit outside and notice what's going on out there in relation to what season it is. I'd recommend a farmer's almanac. It has all sorts of information on the moon and seasons.
Take care of yourself. I hope you're feeling better soon!

[Underwood]

A hug for U! X

[andromeda]

My best wishes to you

[ShadowCat]

Thank you all for the good wishes.Even if it's virtual and from "virtual strangers" it gets me smiling behind my screen, the sincerety comes through.

Why I can't be my own therapist you ask... well, for a part it's a preconceived notion and a dogma I learned in my studies. It's also an easy thing to say and for a part those are the reasons I stated it. On a deeper level though, I there's something else blocking me helping myself. Aphritha picked up on it, it's a resentment, anger, frustration and a general lack of care for myself, not just from now, but a deeprooted issue from when I was about 6 years old onwards. Old, really old, negative programming is coming out now, getting cleared en freed, but I've got to go through it once more. And when you're deep down in the hole, you can't see the horizon, and as a therapist you need that horizon, that general sense of direction. There's nothing wrong with my brain and technically I know the things that would help me, so on an academic level I could help myself, but I don't have the neccessary overview and direction.

Writing sure helps, I rant, meander, dream and pray on paper. But when I'm really down in the hole, I don't even care about that... Those episodes get less and less, so I'll be alright in the end. Just that the journey is so frickin' hard and long.

Again: thanks all

[Underwood]

Why can't you see that horizon & what would that horizon be? X

[Underwood]

Hi,
I saw this today & thought of you...

"People are only doing the best they can, based on their current beliefs.
- People have their own reasons for what they do & feel
- Everyone is well intended
- All feelings & actions are the result of a person's beliefs"

The Option Institute
http://www.option.org/index.php

X

[ShadowCat]

Hi y'all,

I've been resting, working, reading the last few days. Life is speeding up once more and I feel drained, empty and a bit sick (like there's a flu lurking just around the corner).

This morning the envelop with the first gwersi arrived. I love the care and attention that has been spend on making it. Beautiful layout, nice paper, carefully packed. It all speaks of a deep connection to the material world. Maybe that's one of my problems. Various energyworkers I've worked with over the years all told me that there is something like a barrier between me and the physical world. In energywork I can shine, create, dance, do magic, but when it comes to transforming it to the material world, things get hard. Equally, I can mentally grasp concepts like Underwood quotes without any problems, yet implementing them in everyday life is the challenge.

The recent insight is that this "disease" is another way I've created on one level or another, just do justify me not having to deal with the harsh world of this life. It's a shield, it allows me to distance myself from the world around me, create a safe coccoon, to just ride it out. Yet, there's this deep, deep, spark in me, like a dragon roaring in the deep, powerful but still only just audible, that knows I came here for a reason. I've got active memories of choosing this incarnation, and there's a purpose, a method to my madness. And doing, creating in everyday life, making changes, it part of that calling.

It's like the fatigue is a big, hard stone, holding this sword that I know is mine. To take it, I've got to trust, believe and accept...

[RidgeDruid]

ShadowCat,

We've all painted ourselves into a corner one way or another. It's our nature. Reading your posts, I am reminded of my arrival to OBOD about 4 years ago. My world was a debris field as far as the eye could see. Different story but a similar end-point.

"Yet, there's this deep, deep, spark in me, like a dragon roaring in the deep, powerful but still only just audible, that knows I came here for a reason."

I found OBOD 4 years ago, literally in a predawn internet search for something in my ancestral roots that could give my life some meaning and direction. It has given me more than I ever expected, and of course, most of it has been unexpected. I also spent several years in therapy trying to learn why I had made many of the choices I had made.

Everyone's path is unique. What was difficult for me was to accept that "where I am is where I am" and that the big book of reasons and decisions that got me there was largely irrelevant, useful mostly for avoiding the same mistakes. For me guilt about poor decisions was very seductive, it made me suffer because I had made bad choices, but in the end it's a circle where nothing changes.

For me, the essence of the journey to a better place had to start from where I was, not where I wanted to be or thought I should be. Once I was able to start there, I was "able to eat the elephant one bite at a time," and move forward with the process of living and growing. It's a long road, but my experience has been that the Gods bless those who struggle forward.

Bright Blessings on your journey.

[Aphritha]

- Everyone is well intended

I'm not sure I agree with this. I believe everyone is born well intended, but in coming from a situation in which I had my life threatened recently(for sitting on my porch), I no longer assume people will be good to me if I'm good to them. Not to say everyone is the enemy...but I'm finding it in my best interests to learn who a person is before I assume I'm safe with them.

This morning the envelop with the first gwersi arrived. I love the care and attention that has been spend on making it. Beautiful layout, nice paper, carefully packed. It all speaks of a deep connection to the material world.

I just got my first pack since I've moved(there was a confusion with the address)yesterday as well! I agree with your sentiments...it made me feel good to receive it. Not only for the connection to earth it conveys, but the connection to those who put it together, and also those being glad at receiving theirs. Bonding moment with people I've never even met!
If you're having trouble connecting to the material, perhaps you could schedule some time in with Mother Earth? Maybe just lay on the ground and soak in some of the energy(provided its not freezing where you are). It was something I used to do to help ground out when I had too much energy.
Take care of yourself! If you fear you're getting sick, I hear a good tomato based vegetable soup can help(with pepper). Thinking of you!

[ShadowCat]

On the "everyone is well intended": There are some people damaged beyond repair or so malicious (formed by their lives) that they can no longer be classified as "well intended", I agree. Yet, they come on our path and offer a change for growth, even if it is painful. We don't have to be a passive recipient for their anger and pain, but can learn and grow from it, even if it's really painful and truly unjust, like the incident that happened to Aphritha. In the context in which Underwood brought it up, I appreciate it. I think "are people always good?" is a good startingpoint for a more general discussion, but not in this thread.

RidgeDruid and Aphritha, let me thank you again for the dept of your reactions.

"This is where I am"... yes... that's a painful thing to view and accept. Yet, in a meditation yesterday, it felt also strangly peaceful and freeing. I'll work on that for a bit.

Cooking healty for myself, yes, another challenge. For others it's easy to cook, for myself, nah, I just don't do it. And I think that for different reasons, we share a connection there Aphritha. I've been grounding, making some decisions yesterday and really calmly read the first intro-gwers. It feels nice. I understand now, why there is no e-course. It needs to be calmly read, without pop-up emailnotifications and jumping facebookchats. My s.o. threw me a bit off course when he remarked: "It's all nice, but maybe it's not wise to ad more to your workload/to do lists." Now I feel a bit guilty, but still feel like this is the right course for me. So, I'll go trough with it, but it's this nagging feeling that support is not 100%...

[Aphritha]

So, I'll go trough with it, but it's this nagging feeling that support is not 100%...

I'm afraid that in most things in life, support is never 100%. No matter what it is, somebody somewhere is going to disagree with it. I wouldn't worry about it. Go on and do what you know is right, and focus on the support you do have! As you go through the course and begin to benefit from it, others will see the positive change and you'll get more and more support. I went through a short term lack of support from my husband. Initially he was very supportive, but after a few weeks changed his mind. He thought I was too good for it(he tends to put me on a pedestal). Soon after he changed his mind again, and now looks forward to me getting my monthly packs as much as I do.

"This is where I am"... yes... that's a painful thing to view and accept. Yet, in a meditation yesterday, it felt also strangly peaceful and freeing. I'll work on that for a bit.

Painful, yes, but at least from here you can begin making progress. Perhaps that's why it felt so peaceful...

[Aigeann]

Personally, I just think it is going to take more time for you to come back. Much more time. It is going to take as long as it takes. My your family, etc., give you that time.

In the meantime, I'll keep you in my prayers and here's a

[ShadowCat]

Personally, I just think it is going to take more time for you to come back. Much more time. It is going to take as long as it takes.

Yes...

It's the journey of a lifetime, I deeply realise that.

On the other hand, right now I feel there's a great difference between being lost and having idea where to go and being lost with a compass and a map. There still are the physical problems that will dictate their own pace for me to follow. I've decided to make another appointment with my gp and found out, she's an licenced acupuncturist as well, so I'll be asking her if that might be helpful for me. Sometimes answers can be so close...

I'm thankful for your hug and prayers.

[Aigeann]

My husband swears by acupuncture. It's worked when all else has failed...for him, fwiw.

[ShadowCat]

I've got an appointment next Tuesday, so I'll postpone all physical complaints till then

Yesterday I went outside in the dusk, to catch and lock my petrabbits in for the night (during most days they run around the yard all day). The moon was a slight sliver in the sky, while the last of the red evening light was visible in the west. I stood, breathed, and went to my young chestnuttree, who has trouble shedding his leaves this fall. I helped him release a few, while feeling the connection to my own problems with releasing old energy. Simple, profound, nice.

[Aigeann]

Perfect!

[ShadowCat]

I've just returned from the gp. She took a basic physical and concludes that on prime functions, I'm healthy as a horse (heart, lungs etc), albeit a decrepit, tired horse.

Tomorrow they'll to a bloodcheck and if that comes back from the lab (after a few days) relatively normal, I'm okayed for the "alternative" approach. If something shows up in the bloodworks, well, we'll worry about that when it occurs. Not that I'm really worried, as other less recent bloodworks always came back normal.

Yesterday I had to preside a meeting of a group of local entrepreneurs (which was great fun) so I went to bed from 3 to 5 p.m. before that. Not normal, but it allowed me to have a good time in the evening.