Relationships with Non-Seekers / Pagans

[Mabon]

Firstly, as I am new to OBOD, druidry and these messageboards, I ask for your tolerance if I've posted this in the wrong place etc. I've read the messageboard guidelines and can't find an obviously better place for this topic, so here goes:

I'm wondering how others navigate relationships (e.g. romantic / life partnerships) with partners who are either 1) a member of an organised religion who does not relate to paganism or 2) an atheist or agnostic, or 3) someone who just doesn't *get* druidry specifically or spirituality in general?

Do you try to educate/involve your partners in your quest? Do you try to keep your journey pretty much to yourself? Do you make your Druid activities visible in any way to your partners and any children in your lives?

My partner and I are very different people, and until recently we were both living a largely atheistic life together though I have always been more agnostic than atheist and this has been evolving for sometime, beginning with my foray into Wicca ten or so years ago which I later rejected. My wife ('civil partner') has no spiritual leanings whatsoever.

I wonder if others struggle to navigate this issue in your primary relationships?

Blessings,

Mabon

[Whitemane]

It's your journey. If your partner wants to join you, then take her with you. If not, don't force it, it probably won't do any good, but do answer any questions they may have truthfully and completely.

As long as they don't actively try to prevent you from following your path, don't try to turn it into a problem. It's very easy to do, and very difficult to undo.

You will be affected by the Gwersi and the exercises, and it should be for the better. Accentuate the positive effects for your partner.

My wife is an atheist, but is cool with my following this path, just as long as I don't start buying sickles.

[Mabon]

Yes agree with all you've said, thank you for your post.

But how do you navigate your relationship with your wife, vis a vis your spiritual differences on a pragmatic level? Do you go elsewhere to perform rituals, meditation etc? Do you celebrate the wheel of the year festivals within your home - or just outside/beyond it....? How are your spiritual differences reflected in who you are together?

Mabon

[Whitemane]

Yes agree with all you've said, thank you for your post.

But how do you navigate your relationship with your wife, vis a vis your spiritual differences on a pragmatic level? Do you go elsewhere to perform rituals, meditation etc? Do you celebrate the wheel of the year festivals within your home - or just outside/beyond it....? How are your spiritual differences reflected in who you are together?

Mabon

I just make sure she has a good book to read and wander off to do my thing . She's none the wiser, and she doesn't feel threatened by me sitting in a corner reading Gwersi. I keep my practice low key and try to emphasize the positive things we can do together, like more visits to parks and beauty spots and working on environmental projects. I am quite determined to not allow my beliefs become an impediment to what has been a long and happy marriage.

My only real problem is a lack of space to do anything. Thanks to the way the house and garden are organized, I have no space to do anything expansive (maybe in the shower.) We live in the city centre, and it's proving difficult to find space for casting circles and doing rituals. So that part is a little moot right now.

[Aphritha]

My husband is...well, we haven't found quite the term for him(which troubled him for awhile)but if I had to explain him to strangers(which, I am) I'd call him a relaxed Pagan. We celebrate the holidays together, more with action than ritual. He is a bit intimidated by ritual currently. He knows I do it though, and I typically perform the Bardic ceremony on Tuesdays, which he is aware of. If I don't for whatever reason, and he comes home and sees my altar isn't a mess/left out/changed in some way, he gets kind of disappointed. Not sure why this is. I can decorate with Pagan themes, I have different religious pieces throughout the house. I'm able to have a devotional altar in the living room and he doesn't mind. Actually, he brags about the artwork to his friends.
He wasn't really into anything spiritual when I found him, but it grew on him. Seeing someone else pursue a spiritual path made him want to find his own, and he's been doing wonderfully.
Previous to meeting him, I had been in different relationships where the topic of religion and spirituality was handled differently. Best case scenario was I could talk freely about it, but the other person just wasn't interested in sharing the path in any way. It wasn't bad. I could say "I'm going to do a Beltane ritual later" and they'd smile and say "alright, have fun!". Worst case scenario was I had to hid everything I did for I'd be ridiculed...even picking up a book on the metaphysical was due game for being insulted. One interesting situation was dating someone who was a devout Christian. We just didn't talk religion at any time, for any reason. You know, looking back on all this makes me appreciate my husband more.
I think it just works best to find what works for the two of you, every situation is different.

[cathrynmeerbauer]

I have talked about some aspects of the course with my atheist husband, specifically about the greater attunement to nature. That's something he understands and respects. He supports my gardening addiction and gets great enjoyment from the results, and I think he sees it as an extension of that. I might bring some aspect of the course up in a general way if I know it's something he relates to or in some context, such as part of describing an experience to him.

Blessings,
Cathryn Meer Bauer

[DaRC]

Like Whitemane my wife is an atheist but she is tolerant of my heeby-jeeby leanings. She's also relatively open minded and we're similarly against 'fluffy canard' type heeby-jeeby guru's. She gets the energy at places like Glastonbury and the value of getting out into nature.
It's funny 'cos when we started seeing each other was also at the start of my Druidic journey - she was really keen to know everything and question stuff; but I didn't know the answers really. Now I could articulate the answers but she's not so pushy with the questions. Possible (Probably?) because we've been together a over a decade now and the trust is there.

Mind you I'm mostly solitary and keep ritual low key or fit it in with everyday life. My spiritual path should enhance my life and relationship with the people around me (I was glad to see this mentioned by Philip in the latest Touchstone). I also like pagan-ism for it's lack of 'preachiness'. My spirituality is between me and my gods (goddesses/spirits/energy). So I don't push my spirituality on her (or the kids) and vice versa with atheism.

Meditation I perform either in the bath (where I can get some peace and there's something spiritual about that healing cauldron of water - although the family joke is that I'm sleeping) or when I will be undisturbed (i.e. if I get home and the house is empty). We know each other well enough - the other year when I went for a 'long bike ride' over to the Long Man on Beltaine it was no surprise to her that I 'happened' upon the Anderida grove's celebration and was late back.

As to altar's etc... I'm the gardener So the patterns in the garden reflect the Gwersi.

[Reuils]

I've only just started my Bardic course .
My husband (an atheist) is aware of my years of searching for a path .He fully understands the Druidic close attunement with nature, but is less comprehending of ritual .We have both practised meditation for many years,so that presents no problem,we just give each other space. I was a little anxious(even after 43yrs!) of saying that I was going to watch the sunrise on the Solstice.....but it just shows how you can underestimate someone loved, we are now going to watch the sunrise together.
I think as in all things, you need to be open and honest and explain your point of view.
Reuils

[nightfire]

I am about 6 months into the OBOD Bardic course myself so would consider myself a "newbie" to Druidry though not at all new to Paganism. I've been practicing/researching different earth based spiritualities for about 15 years now so my husband was aware of this from the beginning of our relationship. I think that makes it easier (as opposed to meeting your significant other in one "frame of mind" and then switching later). My husband is not at all spiritual/religious but would not consider himself an atheist. I consider him an agnostic I guess. He is very accepting and does not hinder my practice in anyway. Also, we have two small children (ages 4 and 6). Though I don't really "raise" them Pagan, I do share Paganistic ideas with them and we celebrate the Wheel of the Year as a family. That said...

Though my husband doesn't stop me from exploring any ideas or practicing any path, I do find that not being on the same page spiritually is difficult at times. The Bardic course has taught me so much, it's changed me for the better, it's opened my mind and heart in ways I never thought possible. I can only imagine what is to come. I am blessed to have a wonderful grove here locally who are becoming like a spiritual family to me and though they act as a support group, it's not the same as being able to discuss things with my husband. I want to share so much with him and though he listens, it's just not the same. He humors me but really isn't too interested in what I am saying. It's the same when I talk about gardening and other things that interest me. Of course, when he starts rattling off about cars and motors, I don't really provide much feedback either. LOL.

Julie
aka Nightfire

[cathrynmeerbauer]

Yes agree with all you've said, thank you for your post.

But how do you navigate your relationship with your wife, vis a vis your spiritual differences on a pragmatic level? Do you go elsewhere to perform rituals, meditation etc? Do you celebrate the wheel of the year festivals within your home - or just outside/beyond it....? How are your spiritual differences reflected in who you are together?

Mabon

Ted (husband) was actually the one who suggested that I use an extra room we have in our new house for my altar. When that door closes, it's understood I'm not disturbed except for my special meditation assistant who will rattle the door until she gets in. (Solangecat has always loved my sacred spaces, and they're the only spaces where she's territorial.) He has been known to remind me that it's time to go out to toast the full moon (I sing "Traveler's Prayer" and "The Arms of the Great Mother" and otherwise call out my praise to Her, including a toast with good wine). Ted is a backpacker and skier, a great lover of the outdoors. That was one of the qualities that most drew us together way back in 1978! We both try to be as ecologically positive as we can. For me, that's been a part of my spiritual life before I even heard of OBOD. I generally take the lead on eco-friendly changes to the household, and he always goes along with it. When I have been involved with groups, we've always planned around rituals I attended. We have always greatly supported each other's interests, including when it took us apart for a few weeks and in one case, two months while he attended a French language intensive overseas. I think he sees Paganism as just another interest, albeit a compelling one.

The upshot is that we handle spirituality in the same way that we handle other differing interests in our marriage.

Hope this helps.

Blessings,
Cathryn Meer Bauer

[BlazeLeeDragon]

I think each couple has to decide what is correct for them. No one can tell another what is correct. This goes from religion, to child care, to swinging, to multiple spouses. As long as both partners are ok with it, it's on them

I myself find that it will not work for me. I would refuse to date anyone who was not of a similar path. I could not abide the thought of handfasting to someone who would think I'm going to hell, or am damned or I'm evil or I'm crazy. All of which would come of many but not all who walk those paths. Not to mention I refuse to have any other union but a handfasting, (not that those are exclusive to polytheists) My first wife changed to become a Jahovah witness and left me. My current (and hopefully last wife) follow a similar path. I find some questions are vital

If it becomes serious how do you want to be joined? ie handfasting or marriage for example
what faith do you want to raise children?
do you believe in and or practice magic?
do you believe in multiple gods and goddesses?

these are just the religious ones mind you, but I feel they are deal breakers just like others, do you want children? do you believe in monogamy? do you do drugs? do you have any prejudice or raciest tendencies?

I find many paths blend well with couples depending on how open minded they are and how devout, but I also find that not all mesh.

[Lily]

My love is more of a deist than me - I am an agnostic if not atheist.

Anyways my reasons for druidry are not up to discussion here. He likes it. He encouraged me to go on when I was doubting it was the right path. Will he ever come along to a ritual? No. and that is fine.

[cathrynmeerbauer]

One more thought. What has proven ever more important and effective to me in relationships with those on a different path is respect for their beliefs and their, to me, anyway, absolutely undisputed right to them. Personally, I use the atrocious example that I see from some (okay, all that I've come across) right-wing, self-professed Christians and promise myself I will not be their opposite, even to them. I get that the world is full of people who are different from me, and to do as I would be done by is the ideal. I don't always succeed, certainly not in my own mind, at least. But I have found it's worth the effort.

If you establish a track record of tolerance and respectful interest with non-seekers, with at least some of the more rational ones, you are likely IMO to get the same back, if not immediately.

Blessings,
Cathryn Meer Bauer