Pagan parentings-Book suggestions? Advice?

[Reyna]

My little one is 20 months old now and I'm starting to feel a little lost in all this parenting stuff. She is quite happy going non-stop, or chilling out watching TV and I've found myself becoming more and more passive, to the point I almost feel stand-offish to her (if that makes sense). Basically, I don't have a clue what I should be doing at this point!!

What can I expect from her because honestly, I feel like I expect too much. For example, I want her to say please when she wants something, rather than pointing and demanding. But if I ask her to say please only about half the time she'll say it, the other half she gets mad, frustrated, and soon throws a huge tantrum. I try to be consistent but when she wants a drink of water do I hold out when she's sobbing and kicking the floor? Do I give in?

What should I expect from myself? What are skills she should have/be mastered at this age? And if she hasn't what can I do to get her caught up?

What do you do with a toddler all day? We color, we sing songs, we read books (though she really don't seem to care for that)...that might kill an hour, now what?

Sorry for all the questions but I feel like I'm failing as a parent and I may be failing her. She chatters non-stop but only a few of the sounds are actual words,(and she still won't say Mom or Mama but calls every person Dada or Daddy). In some areas of development she seems behind while she's extremely advanced in other areas. I've talked with two different doctors and they say she is spot on and to stop worrying (ha ha). I don't know, maybe I'm over-stressing but if anyone has advice, suggestions, thoughts I'd love to hear them.

[Duellist]

My first bit of advice would be to stop reading so many books...

Forget the milestones and 'things to expect this month' that you probably get via email.


Doctors will tell you the important milestones, check for hearing trouble, vision problems and things like autism; everything else is just a rough guideline. They can tell you if something they are or are not doing is cause for concern. They will pull beads and baby carrots out of nostrils and reassure you that it is normal for kids that age (before charging you $300 for the procedure) if it is indeed normal for kids that age.

Now we have that clear, maybe you need some tips. I won't say these are universal truths, just that they work for people like my wife and me.

• Peaceful parenting (sadly hijacked by 'seminars' and other money-making strategies) has always felt to me like a druidic way of raising a child. You assume your child is a) not a moron and b) would react well to being treated like a human being instead of a prisoner.
• If you must read a book, the one I liked best was 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk' (Amazon link)
• If in doubt, hug them. It is a loving way of firmly restraining children so they can't get up to any more mischief.
• Before giving advice or explaining something to them, try to imagine how patronising it would sound if your own parents used the exact same words to you at your current age. Works very well when you imagine a 60-year-old woman saying "there is no pudding unless you finish your dinner" to a man in his 30s...
• Teach by example. If you want your child to say 'please', just make sure they see you saying please and they will pick it up. Similarly, spanking a child and shouting "you don't hit people" is possibly going to confuse them.
• Choose threats you can follow through on and follow through. If you make threats and don't carry them out, your child will work it out very fast.
• Be consistent. If you let them get away with something one day and not the next, it will confuse them.
• NEVER reward them in advance. Tell them they can have chocolate if they behave while you are out shopping (even though you will probably need to remind them constantly) and they might just do it. Give them chocolate if they promise to behave and they will promise, meaning it 100%, just to get the chocolate and then renege. It is not their fault, they no longer have a strong enough incentive.
• Above all, the most important trick is this; choose your battles. It is tiring and painful at times to fight a child whose entire sense of self-worth seems tied to your refusal to let them eat chocolate after brushing their teeth, so learn when to give in. Sometimes, it is important and you need to stand firm. Sometimes, the reward for your child is greater than the pain for you and you can afford to lose. Compromise where you can, make sure you mention that it is 'just this once' (to make it less inconsistent) and just let them have small victories. If you let them choose mismatching socks against your better judgement, that small victory might make them more content to hold your hand crossing the road or to eat their peas. If you let them have a toy car, they might stop begging for a new Wendy house. It also makes you feel better if you stop fighting them.

[Reyna]

Thank you Duellist!!

I admit, I do get those development emails and the last one sent me off the edge (20 month old doing chores like cleaning their room unsupervised? You gotta be kidding me. Yes, muchkin will pick up her toys but I have to be there to applaud and encourage the whole way.)

Your post was a great help, thank you!

[Turtle]

Hi there,

I think Dualist gave some really good pointers.

I was going back in my mind to when my daughter was that age and recently read something that I thought was really good. It was about using the magic words 'please', 'thank you' and 'sorry'. We said them all the time, with every item that was being exchanged, every service or kindness rendered be it in our family or while interacting with the wider community. My daughter gets along well with 'please' and 'thank you' but still finds 'sorry' a difficult one to deal with. Causes us the occassional temper tantrums. Still I think you can insist on her saying thank you and please with a bit of humor ( a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down, medicine go down, medicine go doooooowwwnnn...)

Also I feel it's important no to punish or reward children for doing things that are just part of the fabric of daily life like going to bed on time, or taking a shower, hand someone something that is out of reach, put on their coats, help do the dishes as they grow up; you get the gist. Thank you and please should suffice.

Part of our playing would be to clean up afterwards. We got boxes that we put her toys in when we were done. She would help from a very young age as far as she was able to. Now at 8 I still help her to sort out her stuff when she asks, but the impetus to do so every once in a while comes from her.

Els

[Seren]

I love what Duellist said!

My book recommendation is Simplicity Parenting - http://www.amazon.co.uk/Simplicity-Pare ... 0345507975 - not a pagan book but supremely sensible. My little boy is just about to turn one and I have already read it twice. Basically it says less is more (eg toys, scheduled activities, screen time) and encourages you to create rhythms and rituals in your child's life.

I think I will come back to it again and again.

[Aphritha]

Those milestones they tell you to watch for are so stressful...especially when your kid isn't meeting them! It doesn't mean anything is wrong...though doctors would sure have you believe so at times.
My son never crawled...he rolled around the living room and one day got up and walked. His speech was way behind. Not to say he didn't know what was going on...he could navigate a computer before he could speak a sentence.
He's in 1st grade now, and he's a perfectly happy child. I wish it was stressed more to new parents that every child is different! It doesn't mean anything is wrong.