The Order of Bishops, Cardinals, and Popes

[Azrienoch]

You must read this disclaimer first!!!
The story that follows was written in jest, and is not meant to describe anything that is true, but to simply overdo the stereotypes and make fun of the assumptions of both Christians and Druids that they hold as valid. This story points out that what we do hold as true, simply isn't fully supported beyond any doubt, as every discovery that we make can only be an assumption made from the evidence shown. Do not take offense at this story, for none is meant. I will not respond to anyone with flaming responses, either for or against this story. This story shouldn't even be discussed, just complimented...if you actually find it something to compliment.
It started as a joke, and that's all it should be taken for.


The Order of Bishops, Cardinals, and Popes

The year is 4004, and the world is quite a different place than it was 2000 years ago, since Druidry became the dominant state religion.
There is no technology. Cities that once were the hubs of civilization were abandoned and fell to ruin over a thousand years ago. People now live in tree houses or earth shelters. Smog is a word long forgotten. There is no writing, and therefore, no one knows how to read.

Azrienoch is a young man, the son of a Druid, who had had a rough childhood, and ended up leaving home in rebellion. In search of inner peace, he starts researching some of the rapidly growing systems of faith which have, until recently, been unexplored. Of course, his research had to be done orally.

He stumbled upon a network of speaking horns which hosted discussions about a little-known system of belief called Christianity.
While shouting responses to various debates through the horns, he spoke to a member of the Order of Bishops, Cardinals, and Popes, named Alferian, who was a crucifix maker. Azrienoch wanted to discuss Christianity further, so they met for tea.
As Azrienoch walked into the local tea hut, he looked around and spotted a man sitting at a table in the corner, who could only be his date.
"Alferian?" he asked. The man stood up, a smile on his face. "You must be Azrienoch. Nice to meet you." They both sat down and ordered their tea.

"So, tell me, Alferian, what exactly is Christianity?" Azrienoch asked.
"Could you be a little more specific? There are many aspects of Christianism I would have to go into detail with to explain your question."
"Christianism? Is there a difference between that and Christianity?"
"No. Christianism is simply the preferred way to say it on this side of the world." That somehow made sense to Azrienoch, as he had heard a few people from this side of the world call Druidry, Druidism.
"Okay, so tell me about the origins of Christianity," Azrienoch stopped short, "err, Christianism?"

Alferian started to tell Azrienoch about the Man who lived 4000 years ago who always said things like, "Don't worry, be happy," and "Can't we all just get along?" In fact, he said it so much that the people around him tired of this, and so they stuck him high in a tree, just so they wouldn't have to listen to it. This act somehow opened up a doorway into the world beyond this one and so he climbed down and brought his closest friends with him through the portal.
"It is said that any friends of the Man are invited into the next world when they die," Alferian said, finishing his story.
"Hmmm...I want to understand, but I don't quite get it. I mean, if the Man is gone already, how do we become friends with him?" Azrienoch asked.
"Oh, it's not supposed to make sense, you're just supposed to accept it as true. It's not a philosophy, it's a religion."
"Religion?"
"Yes. That means it's dogmatic. Your beliefs are already made for you."
"Oh! I like that! I don't have to think about my beliefs. Very refreshing!"
"Yes, exactly."
"What about the magic of Christianism?"
Alferian smiled. "Now that it something truely of legend. It is said that their magic system was called, 'Technology.' By simply rubbing their finger against a wall, they could fill a room with the brightest light...even in the darkest of nights! Of course, I have to look at the rationality of this as well, and I think that it's more metaphorical. The light created in a dark room came from a ball of fire at the top of the room, near the center, and I think that this somehow symbolizes the enlightenment of the "dark" world through the messages of the Man."
"Do you know what these dogmas and teachings of the Man were?"
Alferian gave a great sigh, "Sadly, no. Little is known of Christianism as it was practiced. Ever since writing became obselete and all the books of Christianism were burned by Sage Patrick."
"Writing? What's that?"
"Word pictures. Don't those Druid schools teach you anything?"
"They used to draw their words?"
"Yes, they didn't know of speech back then. Why else would they have drawn their words into pictures?"
"How primitive!" Azrienoch sipped his tea, pondering the things he'd just been learned. "So, what exactly is a Bishop, a Cardinal, and a Pope?" he asked.
"Well, Bishops wore purple and would remind the teachers of Christian dogma what dogmas there were. Cardinals wore red, and they would relay to the Bishops what new dogmas there were, which were created by the Popes, who all wore white. Isn't that a revolutionary idea? The people would have the relaxation and relief of not having to think at all, because what they believed was decided for them! They must have been in excellent shape, having all that free-time."

Azrienoch agreed. Oh, how little stress there would be for him in this system! But then he remembered his father. He just wouldn't accept this of his son at all...
"It's kind of hard for me to let go of my Druidic upbringing, but I know that it's time for a change of pace in my life."
"Well, a friend of mine, named Piper Oak, is a Druid of his own grove, AND a Christian. He believes that all systems of belief are somehow linked together."
"But how can that be, if the Druids burned all of the books of Christianism?" Azrienoch asked, puzzled.
"Not everyone is able to see it, because it simply takes a while to find, and you have to dig hard to find it," Alferian hesitated, "It is not the method that matters, as far as beliefs are concerned, but the outcome. The outcomes of Druidry and Christianism are the same."
"I don't really get it...they seem so different."
"Well, don't worry about it. It's better not to think about your beliefs, anyways."

Azrienoch took another sip of his tea, taking this all in; the soothing dandelion root, the idea of Christianism, and everything else that Alferian had said. "So, when a person goes to this next world," Azrienoch stated, contemplating out loud, "they are not reincarnated?"
"Nope. Just eternal peace."
"But, I suppose if a person were not the friend of the Man, he would still be reborn..." Azrienoch finished; half stating, half asking.
"Ahh," Alferian said, the smile fading from his face, "this is another interesting point of Christianism; if you did not become friends with the Man, when you die, you go to a place where you stand in the middle of a Forest Fire forever."
"Aren't you burned?"
"Yes, but you don't turn to ashes. You just keep burning forever."
"Oh, wow, I suppose that it was a close call for me!"
"Yes," Alferian agreed, "you're lucky that you found me when you did."
"After I convert to Christianism, what do I do? How do I maintain my friendship with the Man?"
Alferian finished his cup of tea. "Travel around the world, making more friends for the Man. If people do not want his friendship, curse and damn them to the Forest Fire."
"Even if they are friends of mine and I love them?"
"Yes."
"I'll do it!"

Azrienoch took up the Christianism that been denied him after 2000 years of tyrrannical oppression from the Druids. He converted many friends for the Man, and damned the others to the eternal Forest Fire. When he died, he lived happily ever after in the next world.

The End

[Crow]

Well done Az. I'm not commenting, you understand, just complimenting.

[Azrienoch]

lol, you're fine, Crow. I would think everyone would know the difference, so don't worry.

[Underground River]

ROTFL ROTFL ROTFL!
:lol: That is so great! I am still ROTFL after reading this! Seriously though, even though it's funny, it's really an eye-opener. A complete 180-degree turn around of the mind. Thanks for posting this...I hope you know this isn't a flame but a compliment.
Green Druid

[Azrienoch]

Again, don't worry about it...I just don't want the story to be taken the wrong way, bastardizing the point of it. I really, really do appreciate the compliment.

[Underground River]

I wasn't worried...I was kidding around pretending to be worried...
Anyway, that was a really great story.
All I have to do is think "eternal forest fire" and I ROTFL some more.
I think that has got to be the worst punishment possible!
Anyway, well-done.
Green Druid

[CelticDao]

Woo!

That is some finely honed humor you have there! I'm guessing the "serious" Christians hated the movie Dogma, too! If you can't laugh at yourself, you might need to loosen up a bit!

[SeaDruid]

Enjoyed it greatly! I particularly like the part about Christian magic being technology, rubbing the finger on the wall for light, etc.

[Azrienoch]

The irony of that whole bit, Seadruid, is that technology and science were not considered separate in any way from paganism in the Helenistic period...there was no distinction between the two (see the "Pagan Science" thread).
A lot of our archeological history today is based on assumption. In making fun of that, I had both Christianity and Science interrelated, which, as we all know, simply isn't true. The assumption here is that because Christianity and technology faded out at around the same time, they must be interrelated.
The whole basis for this story was to poke fun at our lack of knowledge of the past, and also to display a world completely opposite from our own (try it...read the story and replace the major points with their opposites).
Also, the setting for the story with Azrienoch and Alferian meeting in the tea shop was based on my actual first meeting with Alferian (which occured in a coffee shop...more of that opposite stuff). Obviously, there are also some inside jokes which only members of this board could get (druidry/druidism, philosophy/religion, etc.)

I was kind of disappointed at first...there was such a little response to the story...I'm glad it's come around.

[Loosh]

Azzie--I think this is very good irony! I think I sense some of that Bardic satirical power in you that could raise blisters! Be careful, now!

[Azrienoch]

Thanks Loosh...hence the disclaimer...

[Unikorn]

Hahahah I really enjoyed this - clever. Thank you for sharing.

[FallingLeaves]

Likewise...excellent really excellent...loved it please post more

[Kaya-Nita]

Qite wonderfully done and very imaginative...i like it alot

[Lily]

A lot of our archeological history today is based on assumption. In making fun of that, I had both Christianity and Science interrelated, which, as we all know, simply isn't true.

thanks for pointing me to it great job!

I recently read someone musing how 2000 years down the road, archeologists will be debating why the japanese-speaking washing machine people invaded britain starting from the 1950's without leaving a genetic trace

[grian]

blimey! such searing irony at 21! what will you be like at 41... great thinking AZ, look forward to more
sp

[Azrienoch]

Oh, I've got a new one coming tonight...keep an eye out...

[Azrienoch]

Okay, it's up. Look for "An Assessment of Nothing in General," in this thread. It's a different flavor than this one, but should provide a few laughs and debates (yes, the new one is debatable).