The Gospel of a Right-Wing Jesus
Writer's Note: I am a literary terrorist. I have destroyed something you may hold as sacred. But, like all other terrorists, I do have a message.
I am hereby calling to attention the immoral, disloyal, unintegral, greedy, murderous, and self-centered motives of right-wing politicians, as they parade a banner hosting a symbol they have no faith in: Jesus. This story is of the Jesus that they worship.
As you read this, if you become angry at the story, at me, at this Jesus, know that it is to be expected. But if you do something about it, change yourself, change society, then I applaud you.
This is not the true christ of the Jews, not the true Jesus, but there are plenty of people who do praise and follow this imposter that I've exposed.
And it came to pass, in those days, that there arose a decree from Caesar Agustus, to take a census of the Roman Empire.
When the results came in, Caesar found that the Roman state of Judea believed that they should have, as Roman citizens, extensive and comparibly priced medical services, funding for better education, and environmental protection programs, because, hey, the sea was really starting to look dead. These motions and similar ones as these were presented and spurred on by the elected judicial committee, the Sanhedrin.
So Agustus appointed a dictator over Judea to keep these needy Jews in line. The position of office went to a harsh man named Herod, who would kill men, rape women, and starve the children, all so that the rich wouldn't have to fund the extremely costly demands of the Sanhedrin.
Herod grew to enjoy his position of power so much that he demanded more control from Rome, and when they refused, he harbored a group of terrorists known simply as the Zealots. When Rome discovered this, they sieged his castle, located on the high cliff of a mountaintop, and brought him out of power by beheading him.
Now, there was, at that time, a Jew who had grown up in Egypt, under the conservative educational system of Rome. His named was Joshua, dubbed Jesus by his Greek teachers.
Agustus decided that Jesus should lobby the Roman ideals to the common working-class Jew, becoming a hero to them, making Judea a friend of Rome. Pilate, the Roman Ambassador to Judea, told Jesus to raise the people against the grass-roots Sanhedrin judiciary senate. And so, in those days, Jesus went out to collect a council of people who supported his cause.
Peter and James, who were brothers, were co-presidents of a major fishing company. Jesus showed them why Rome wanted to make big companies richer by issuing large tax breaks. The brothers liked the idea of being rich, and were pleased to accept Jesus' offer as members of his cabinet.
Jesus also decided to invite his own brother, John, because keeping money and politics within a family is always a good thing.
Then Thomas was chosen to join the cabinet. He was a published and respected political critic, who had worn his right-wing heart on his sleeve as he announced in a weekly papyrus his skepticism and criticism for the actions of the Sanhedrin.
Mathew was a long-time right-wing publican, and was famous for his right-wing rhetoric. He produced popular political slogans, such as, "A Vote for Caiaphas is a Vote for Death!" and, "Caiaphas will ban the Torah," but he was probably most famous for his pro-circumcision campaign slogan, "Got Shmuck?"
Simon was the founder and president of major perfumes and oil company. Jesus was sold on Simon almost immediately, having been presented with expesive perfumes which were applied to various areas of Jesus' body by a few beautiful young women, who were obviously prostitues. Jesus accepted the annointment, but at the reccommendations of his cabinet, refused the women. They insisted that women are evil, and have no place in society. Jesus had to agree.
So, it came to pass, after Jesus had gathered his elite, he began his political campaign, promising miracles and a kingdom that would be perfect, having been cleansed of all it's poor people, it's immigrants, it's liberals, and other manifestations of evil that plague the kingdom they now lived in.
He gained quite a following very quickly, and decided to deliver a speech to the crowd, which had grown to about 5,000 people. They offered a free lunch of bread and fish, courtesy of Peter & James, Inc., and when they were finished with their lunches, Jesus began his sermon.
"A farmer planted some seeds. Some seeds fell on rocky ground. Some seeds fell within some vines, and the germs were strangled. Some seeds were eaten by birds. But some of the seeds fell on good soil, and prospered." Jesus looked out at the crowd, squinting to show his seriousness.
A spectator spoke up, "Let me guess, these seeds represent the message of God, you are the farmer, and we are the types of soil, right?"
Jesus laughed at the man's silliness. "Are you kidding? I'm trying to tell you that you're bad farmers, and the soil here is bad, and so we should concentrate on importing goods exploited cheap labor from foreign companies."
Jesus began to pace amongst the crowd. "Blessed are those who are rich, for that means God loves them, and if it's good enough for God, then we should all love them as well. In fact," Jesus took out a coin Roman coin, "This obviously belongs to Caesar. We should thank Rome for all they've given us. The rich have been blessed by God, so you all should bless them as well, and give them everything you own."
"Blessed are the loud and obnoxious, for nobody but they are heard, and without them, nothing would get said. If you see a liberal on the street, be sure to tell them how much you hate them, for this is the way of the Lord. When you speak incessantly your opinion, remember the two towers that fell...the Tower of Babel, and the Tower of Syene. Our God isn't the loving God he often portrayed to be. He's our Father. An angry, patriarchal father. The type of father we should all aspire to be. Rome is our prime example of our angry Father. Can you not see this? Rome has given us the perfect manifestation of our Father in Heaven, yet we allow terrorists like the Zealots to kill Romans in our own fair country. I say, if somebody strikes you across the cheek, you should strike them back. An eye for an eye is the only way to deal with these people. And do not stike them back just seven times as hard, but seventy times seven. The only language that is spoken by all nations is violence, revenge, and profitable death. Since we do not speak the specific languages of all the nations, we must speak with these universal languages."
"Blessed are the exceedingly healthy, for they are probably rich, and therefore doubly blessed."
"I say this, whomsoever is laughing now, won't be laughing later, as they are ravaged to no end by the demons in Hell." This stirred the crowd in an uncomfortable manner, as most of them had been laughing.
A frightened little boy, no more than eight years old, started to cry uncontrollably. Jesus walked over to the little boy and picked him up. "I like children. In fact, let all the little children here today come unto me." More children gathered near Jesus. "Fight to keep you children alive, and have as many kids as you possibly can. Birth is the ultimate sign of how sacred life is. Besides, we need more people to send off to fight wars for me..er, us."
The father of the little boy stood up and asked, "Since God is so angry, how are we to address him?"
"Not that a meaningless peasant like you has any business in bothering God," Jesus responded, "but if you must, say this:"
"Our Father, who is in Heaven,
Your name is holy.
Your kingdom has come,
So our will may be done on Earth
As it is in Heaven.
Tax us today of our daily meals.
Forgive us for our trespasses,
And kill those who have trespassed against us.
Keep them from the temptation of opposing us,
Or deliver the Evil to Hell,
For ours is the Kingdom,
And glory, forever.
Let it be so."
At hearing this, the crowd went into murmurs of disbelief. Jesus saw this, and so said, "Apparently, I am the only son of our Father. I hold the key, and I decide who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell. This power was granted to me from a higher authority than that any of you may possess."
"So who's with me? Who is going to be a part of this new Kingdom? If is you, then sell all that you own, and let the proceeds go to a charitable organization."
This charitable organization was, of course, Rome. After Rome had recieved these proceeds from Jesus, they appointed an expert lobbier, a woman from Magdaline, named Mary, who really knew the ropes of getting what she wanted, and they also appointed an official treasurer, the former head of the Internal Revenue Service, named Judas Iscariot, to help the greatly successful and highly profitable Jesus Campaign.
The Jesus Campaign spread like wildfire, growing to a dangerous position of power to the Sanhedrin, so they began to plot against him.
They brought to Jesus a man who had been caught breaking the law. "This man has been caught working on the Sabbath. As this is a clear act of disobedience against the laws given to Moses by our....angry Father. What do you think this man's punishment should be?"
Jesus threw his head back and laughed. "What makes you think that any of you deserves a day off? God wants you to work, work, work, and make a lot of money that is to be given towards funding his new kingdom. Moses was a hack. From now on, there should be no breaks, because that's just lazy liberal thinking."
The Sanhedrin scanned the crowd, searching for their reaction to Jesus' response, but they had obviouslyy sided with Jesus, and stormed off to plot their next attack.
Jesus turned to the crowd. "I tell you, it is harder for a liberal to enter the kingdom of God than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of the needle. All liberals are obviously poor, because they just don't work hard enough. They are too lazy for God's tastes, and should be exterminated."
The crowd pressed on, following Jesus and his cabinet.
One night in Galilee, just before they were to go on the campaign trail Southward to Judea, Mary Magdalene entered the room of Jesus, while Jesus was in bed, and he saw that this was good. She then removed her cloak and robes, approaching Jesus' bed, and he saw that this was good too. She then began intercourse with him, and this, Jesus thought, was best of all.
Weeks later, they found her to be with child. Jesus insisted that they, for the good of Jesus' reputation, make a vow to keep their child, and their fornication in general, a secret. Jesus obeyed this vow out of concern for himself, but Mary stayed silent out of her love for this man.
Jesus entered Jerusalem a week later, having made campaign stops at Caesarea and Samaria. He rode into town high on a donkey, and the crowds cheered him on saying, "Our King has arrived! Hosannah! Halellujah!"
The Sanhedrin were there too, and the tried to ask politely if the crowds would be a bit quieter so as to not cause a riot and to be considerate of other people's feelings and beliefs. Jesus became angry and started to shake violently, saying, "You try to quiet us, but could you silence the rocks we will throw at you?" Mary Magdalene stepped forward, enraged, "You people! You all think that freedom of speech only applies to you! Always about you! When other people wish to exorcise that right, you try to shut them up. We aren't going to take any more of your liberal jibberish."
The Sanhedrin looked at each other, speechless. They felt anger and hatred towards Mary, kindled by her deliberate misunderstanding and irrationality. They left for the temple to plot their next attack.
The next day, the Jesus Campaign visited the temple in Jerusalem. All around them, people were buying, selling, and trading, a fraction of which funded the temple and it's faculty, the Sanhedrin included.
Jesus brought his followers, over 10,000 by that time, and said, "Disgusting liberals. What is this place, anyways? A den of theives? Avenge our Father, and rip this place apart."
As the crowd finished, Jesus hollared at the Saducees and Pharisees, who stood at the temple door, horrified at the scene, "I shall come back in three days. If this blasphemy has persisted, I'll destroy the temple again."
While the Campaign headed back to the camp, the crowd swarmed Jesus, asking questions and chanting slogans.
The crowds then died down, and stopped, and Jesus looked up to see the members of the Sanherin blocking the road. They were each holding stones, and a few were restraining a woman, holding her hands upwards behind her back, and pulling her head backwards by her hair.
It was Mary Magdalene.
"Jesus," the leader of the Sanhedrin, named Caiaphus, said, "this woman is a prostitute, a profession strictly forbidden by the laws given to Moses by God himself. The penalty for breaking this law is specified as death, but what would you have us do?"
Jesus thought hard, doodling in the sand as he thought. Squinting hard, he stood up and said, "Let you who is without sin, cast the first stone."
The Sanhedrin muttered amongst themselves, discussing this response, and then replied, "We pay our taxes to Rome, but this woman condones a profession which is notorious for not paying their taxes."
Jesus looked at the Sanhedrin, then at Mary; a cold and unfeeling glance. He shrugged.
Jesus did not stay to see the stoning, to hear the cries of agony, and witness the bloody death of Mary Magdalene. Instead, he pressed on, and called a meeting of his Cabinet.
They all gathered around the table that night, sampling expensive varieties of bread and wine, when Thomas, who had been uncharacteristically quiet all night, decided to ask Jesus, "What role does God really play in this whole political statement that you're making?"
Jesus squinted at Thomas. "God?" He laughed. "All God has ever given us is law, and so, I'm inclined to think that God IS law. For us, Rome is the law, and therefore, Rome is also God."
"I am the protege of Rome, and therefore, I am God's heir. All of everything is me, and I am everything." Jesus laughed again, saying, "Here, eat some more bread. It's my body. And this wine...this wine is my blood. So when you do anything like this, remember that it is me."
Thomas mad an expression showing his disapproval, and so, with a nod of his head, Jesus had Thomas led outside, and his throat was slit. "Anyone else?" Jesus asked, scanning the room.
John, Jesus' brother, stood up. "I know who you are, and where you came from, and this is not it." John walked out the door, where a club to the base of his skull broke his neck.
Then James, stood up, started to walk out, but turned around to his brother, Peter. "Are you not coming? Have you been so brainwashed by this madman to not recognize this lunacy?" Peter stayed where he was, his greed overpowering his love for his brother. His heart as solid and cold as a rock.
James was led outside, where he was killed.
The room had become radically more quiet. Jesus broke this silence, saying, "Those who would oppose me shall die, but those who accept me shall live. It's as simple as that. If you're not with me, you're against me." Jesus looked around the room once more.
Judas stood up. "You cannot kill me, as I, like you, have been appointed by Rome."
Jesus nodded to him. "Fine, do it. Betray me. I will see you again."
While the dinner ended, and the remaining cabinet members made their way to the garden, Gethsemeny, to pray, ponder, and get some rest, Judas was running for the temple. You see, as the official treasurer of the Jesus Campaign, he had stumbled upon an interesting source of a large portion of the campaign's funds...
Judas entered the temple in Jerusalem. The Sanhedrin, Saducees, and Pharisees were planning for the passover celebration, wondering if Jesus and his mob would dare break up something as sacred as that as well.
Judas burst into the room, panting. "He's gone mad. It's all gone too far. I know how you can get rid of him according to the laws of Rome, and I know where he is right now, far from the crowds."
"The crowds will come after us anyways, if we apprehend him," Caiaphas said, as if they had already thought through this situation.
"No, not with the information that I have," and Judas told them all he knew.
The Sanhedrin spent little time consulting one another over this. "Where is he?" Caiaphas asked. Judas motioned for them to come and said, "Follow me." They gathered together their guards, and headed off to the Garden of Gethsemene.
When they arrived at the Garden, Jesus and his cabinet composed themselves, and stood armed. With the two sides poised, ready to fight to the death, Judas began to have second thoughts, so he cautiously walked over to Jesus, and gave him a long, passionate kiss.
Jesus frowned. "This is how you chose to betray me? By coming out? While homosexuals are disgusting and evil, I would have pegged you as more creative than this," and with that, Jesus spat on him, and then walked over to the Sanhedrin's guards, and surrendered himself. Jesus, glared at Caiaphas. "As soon as this is over, Rome will have your hide."
Caiaphas, the elder, responded, "Before this is over, Rome will have your's."
They dragged Jesus to Pilate's courtyard, and demanded a trial. Pilate came out to the balcony overlooking the area, peered down to see the crowd, and then spotted Jesus. Pilate raised his hands in the air to call for silence. "I find this man not guilty, as he has done nothing."
The crowd erupted, booing and shouting obscenities. Caiaphas spoke up. "Pilate, neither the persecutors, nor the defendant, has stated their case. In fact, you don't even know what the charges are!"
Pilate motioned for Caiaphas to come inside to speak to him in private. "You know that I am biased, and in the end, you know that I will rule in favor of Jesus," Pilate continued, "Why do you persist?"
Caiaphas stroked his beard. "Pilate, we have our differences. While I support the causes of the Zealots, and you do not, neither of us supports their methods."
"What's your point?"
"Jesus has inside trade negotiations with the Zealots. In fact, a Zealot, named Simon, presides over a position in Jesus' Cabinet."
"Surely you are lying. How did this information come to you?"
"It's no lie," Caiaphas explained, "Judas, the man you appointed as Jesus' treasurer, came to us with financial records that proved it."
Pilate was outraged. He immediately sent for Jesus to carry out the trial. "Jesus, you have been charged with association with terrorists. The evidence against you has been brought forward. How do you plead?"
Jesus said nothing. He hung is head downwards.
"With what authority did you think this was acceptable?"
Jesus looked up. "The authority granted to me comes from a higher power, and any authority that you have comes from that same authority."
Pilate motioned for the guards to come. As they entered the room, Pilate said, "Jesus, I find you not guilty." Pilate then turned to Caiaphas, who's mouth was open and a shocked expression on his face, and said, "Caiaphas, I find you guilty of tampering with Rome's political agenda. Had you been a common citizen, your punishment would have been a sound flogging, but considering you political position, Rome can only interpret this as an intentional act of conspiracy and treason. The punishment clearly stated in the best-selling, ' The Idiot's Guide to Roman Law,' is death by crucifixion." And before Caiaphas had a chance to protest, he was dragged off to the holding-cells.
Jesus winked at Pilate.
After his shackles had been removed, and he had shook hands with Pilate, he exited the palace. He stood on the stepps for a moment, taking a deep breath of the cool night air, and then continued out beyond the palace gates, where he was joined by Peter, Simon, Mathew, and lastly, Judas, who grinned with Jesus as they set off into the night to get some rest before they continued on with the Jesus Campaign.
Jesus went on to become the Emperor of Rome, and has remained in power ever since.