Haven't got time for the pain...

[Willowhawk]

Where to start? Just over two years ago-- two years, four months,twenty-one days ago, in fact-- I suffered a deep, soul-scarring wound. The cause is, for my purposes here, immaterial-- suffice it to say that I was subjected to abuse, trauma, betrayal, lies, deceit. I have struggled with deep depression and post-traumatic stress syndrome since then, and I think now my only way through is to write.

I sit here, and a song plays through my head, on an endless loop. I can't recall who sang it, or when I heard it last-- it's one of those soppy, whinging, broken-heart songs: I haven't got time for the pain...No, I haven't got time for the pain... It's my new theme song. It's true; I don't have time. "Get over it," I'm told, "you're fine, you're alive. There was no permanent harm. Get over it."

Get over it. So easy to say; impossible to do. That day is etched on me, body and mind and soul, forever. I carry it with me every moment, and will for the rest of my life. Get over it? The universe changed that day-- I changed-- eternally. Can't anyone see that? Can't anyone hear me screaming?

So much to do: work, classes, children, home, husband, mother, groceries, cat food, gas, Yule shopping, studying, playing endless catch-up. No time to dwell on things that are long over, things that did not, after all, kill me. To think on it at all is weak; to ruminate, indulgent. Selfish, self-serving. We're meant to be superwomen, after all-- altruistic, sacrificing ourselves for the good of others.

The hatred in me is astounding. It's buried deep-- too deeply for casual acquaintances to see-- but it emerges sometimes, frightening those around me who can't understand the depth of these feelings. I was murdered! I want to shriek. The person I was died that day-- don't you see it? They killed me!!

This is not me; it's a pale shadow of the person I was. I believed, I knew, I had faith. No more.

Funny how hatred and love can coexist. How sorrow can put on a smiling mask and pretend, if only for a little while. But in the dark it all comes back-- the sounds, the smells, the keen edge of the knife. And I lie there, gazing out my window at the mute silver moon.

Why, Mother? Why did you allow this? You knew how I'd fought it-- you knew how hard I struggled to avoid this sorry end-- and you let it happen all the same!

A voice from the void, from within my shattered soul, echoes beyond hearing. My daughter, I allow nothing but choice. You chose.

I chose. The cruelest truth of it all, because she's right, you see. I chose this end. I walked in of my own accord, on my own two feet. I let myself be led like a lamb to slaughter. I permitted it!

I cannot forgive. Not the ones who betrayed me, nor the implacable Goddess I serve, the joy in whose service eludes me now. Nor can I, will I ever, forgive myself, because in the end, I bear as much blame as anyone.

Why?

Foolish question, that-- one without meaningful, or even attainable, answer. So why do I keep asking it?

[Willowhawk]

Since posting this, I feel... raw, naked. Must go meditate.

[FallingLeaves]

A couragous, honest, raw and powerful sharing Willowhawk. I wish you much support and strength on your journey of healing.

[Seeker]

My thoughts also go with you, Willowhawk. The pain and torment you are undergoing seem to be immense. Just know that many others here have undergone similiar soul-wrenching experiences and have emerged into the light. I will think of you often in the coming days and hope that the Goddess allows you to find your answer.

[Kat Lady]

It took a lot to share this, Willowhawk. Although sharing an experience like this makes us feel "raw, naked", it is also the begining of the healing process. One must sometimes debride the wound before it can heal properly.

Blessings to you on this journey of discovery and healing.

[autumn]

Oh Willowhawk I know only too well what pain you are describing. Ive been there, it started 12 years ago and things added to it and added to it till it was a choice between life and death (and I mean that literally).

I am now on anti depressants to help me cope. They arent a cure, but they take off the edge (if you see what I mean) and give me a view that I didnt have before. When you are in the middle of it, it hurts like hell and you cant see a way past it, but you have one power and you know that already - and that is your right to choose. It took me a long time to learn I had that but its powerful.

I had to learn the hard way, and for me there were two choices :

The first - choose to let the hate and pain consume me, let it get to me and wallow in self pity and spiral even further downwards into self hate and hating others and everyone that tried or ever will try to help me.

The second - recognise that its there and its real and I had to deal with it, then face the past, and then choose to put the past in its proper place, learn to understand the strength you have gained since then and use it to build your life into a stronger. Choose to learn why the hate is there what its purpose is and direct that into a more positive useful purpose. You can learn a lot about yourself that way and you may be surprised at what you learn.

I chose the first to start with - it was easy, comfortable and it was like being hugged by a friend, the pain and hate had been there for so long it was easier to live with because i knew what that feeling was - it was normal to me. Eventually I chose the second and it was the hardest and most difficult thing I ever did, I have been following down this second path for about 6 months now and its scary and frightening sometimes, confronting my past and what happened is the most difficult thing I ever did, and still am doing.

I look back sometimes now at what has happened and see where I have gone from there, and it does astonish me that I have come so far, achieved so much and become so far removed from the people and situation that hurt me that I would never have believed it if I had been told it even 2 years ago.

I look at catastrophes and horrific incidents now as a way of ending a situation and moving on to something better that maybe you just cant see right now. Every awful thing that has happened in my life (and there is quite a list) has led me on to something better and changed my situations to something more positive. I truly believe that this happens with everyone and, Willowhawk, I believe this for you too.

The Goddess will give you the path that is right for you, the one that you need to follow to make you a stronger and better person and give you the riches and joys you deserve in life, but a lesson that She teaches is that nature and so life arent always as kind as they could be, and with the wonders of the golden autumn leaves and beautiful sunsets come hurricanes and earthquakes, beautiful crisp snow comes with death-bringing frost and ice. But with each of these disasterous things come other things that we would never have thought of before but are divine, inspired and possibly more beautiful than what was there before.

I feel like Im waffling now, and I hope that I havent sounded patronising or as though Im giving a lecture, I really want to give you something that could help you, I dont know if I have or if its going to help the way I would like it to. But more than anything please know that having been in a similar position I am thinking of you, and am living proof that what you are going through will pass and better things will come from it. I dont want to go into what has happened to me here because this is for you we are all reading these posts, not for anyone else.

However if you do need to talk please send a message and I will do all I can to help you.

The blessings of the Goddess go with you willowhawk

Deb x

[lotuswelcome]

Dear Willowhawk

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.Whatever it was, you will conquer it. Blessings to you always
and blessings also to Autumn: I,m so happy you joined this board.

[EarthWard]

Funny how hatred and love can coexist. How sorrow can put on a smiling mask and pretend, if only for a little while.

Funny, too, how I can find something written out of so much sorrow and anger to be so intensely beautiful and loving.

[Willowhawk]

Thank you. Thank you all so much.

Many hugs and all blessings (and ultra-mega-hugs to you, Autumn)--

Willow