This thread is for the sole purpose of obtaining constructive criticism on poems that you have written and are either dissatisfied with and are looking for help, or just want an honest and candid appraisal of what people think.
Guidelines for authors: Please don't reprint your poem here, but rather provide a link to it using the [url]Link to poem[/url] commands. That way, the poem itself will remain on its own thread where it may receive the more typical accolades, which of course we all continue to want and need. Remember, not everyone wants their work to be critiqued, and in this way we might keep things separate. It might be helpful to give a little background for the poem and also say what it is that YOU find troubling about it and how you'd like to improve it. Also, keep in mind that by posting here, you are asking for criticism, and you might not agree with what people say. Finally, remember that although you are taking a risk by posting here, the critic is also taking a risk by responding.
Guidelines for critics: Since we could get more than one literary work at a time on this thread, please be sure to refer to the poem's title when offering a critique. Be honest, but be gentle in your appraisals!
This idea is an experiment and a bit of a gamble by all concerned, and it will be closely moderated. Please, everybody play nice!
Crow, Flidais
Moderators
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM THREAD
75 posts
• Page 1 of 4 • 1, 2, 3, 4
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM THREAD
by Crow » 16 Mar 2005, 15:24
Last edited by Crow on 16 Mar 2005, 15:44, edited 4 times in total.
-
Crow - OBOD Druid
- Posts: 4751
- Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
- Location: East Coast, U.S.A.
- Gender: Male
by Crow » 16 Mar 2005, 15:31
Sorry, I split this from the original as it wasn't quite what I had in mind. The following poem is from my friend and co-moderator, Flidais, who has graciously and bravely stepped up to the head of the line! 
From Flidais: Right as I have been very quiet for a while, I'll give Crow a break, as he has done so much work for these boards, and throw this one in for critique. It was one of the very first poems I wrote but I have never been happy with it. I like the the beginning but I feel it loses steam as it goes along. So here goes (Be gentle with me)
http://www.druidry.org/board/viewtopic.php?t=9521
From Flidais: Right as I have been very quiet for a while, I'll give Crow a break, as he has done so much work for these boards, and throw this one in for critique. It was one of the very first poems I wrote but I have never been happy with it. I like the the beginning but I feel it loses steam as it goes along. So here goes (Be gentle with me)
http://www.druidry.org/board/viewtopic.php?t=9521
-
Crow - OBOD Druid
- Posts: 4751
- Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
- Location: East Coast, U.S.A.
- Gender: Male
by Azrienoch » 16 Mar 2005, 16:37
Times Remembered
I think it's a wonderful walkthrough of both death and trying to fall asleep. I'm fairly certain, given the tone of the poem, that it is about death. Regardless, you may wish to go into more detail in the end about these and other emotions that are running through your head to give the reader a better idea of what's going on. I think that the part about seeing the light is the climax, so you may want to also build up more of a description of this event, playing on the dramatic aspects of it. Also, what is it that you are recognizing in the last bit? Is it the mother's love, such as the way she holds you?
I'm not certain that you should make any changes at all, because I think that it does a nice job of saying how you feel. Just imputing what I might do had I written it.
I think it's a wonderful walkthrough of both death and trying to fall asleep. I'm fairly certain, given the tone of the poem, that it is about death. Regardless, you may wish to go into more detail in the end about these and other emotions that are running through your head to give the reader a better idea of what's going on. I think that the part about seeing the light is the climax, so you may want to also build up more of a description of this event, playing on the dramatic aspects of it. Also, what is it that you are recognizing in the last bit? Is it the mother's love, such as the way she holds you?
I'm not certain that you should make any changes at all, because I think that it does a nice job of saying how you feel. Just imputing what I might do had I written it.
-
Azrienoch - Posts: 1494
- Joined: 15 Dec 2003, 20:36
- Location: Twin Cities, MN
by Crow » 16 Mar 2005, 18:16
Times Remembered
I found this to be a very visual poem, and I understood the man and woman to be the author's parents from a time when they were young and vibrant. I was jarred a little bit and confused by the line "I am vaguely irritated" because there is nothing to explain why you feel this way, and in fact the images had been quite pleasant up to that point. I do very much like how the poem ends, resting blissfully in your mother's arms, feeling again a sensation that apparently can no longer be felt in the physical world.
I found this to be a very visual poem, and I understood the man and woman to be the author's parents from a time when they were young and vibrant. I was jarred a little bit and confused by the line "I am vaguely irritated" because there is nothing to explain why you feel this way, and in fact the images had been quite pleasant up to that point. I do very much like how the poem ends, resting blissfully in your mother's arms, feeling again a sensation that apparently can no longer be felt in the physical world.
-
Crow - OBOD Druid
- Posts: 4751
- Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
- Location: East Coast, U.S.A.
- Gender: Male
by Selene » 16 Mar 2005, 18:45
Times Remembered
I like this poem very much. I have only a couple of suggestions, one technical and one not.
The technical suggestion: change the word "lay" in the first line to "lie"; you are lying down, not laying something down.
As for the other, I wonder if there would be a better word to use than "odd" in the second line when referring to the pictures--the images your poem evokes in my mind do not seem so much odd as "curious" or "unfamiliar."
I didn't get the sense that it lost steam as it progressed and I liked the ending, too. If you leave it unchanged it is still a good poem, but if you were to expand it by a verse or two in the middle, perhaps you might come closer to what I think you are saying you feel it lacks.
I like this poem very much. I have only a couple of suggestions, one technical and one not.
The technical suggestion: change the word "lay" in the first line to "lie"; you are lying down, not laying something down.
As for the other, I wonder if there would be a better word to use than "odd" in the second line when referring to the pictures--the images your poem evokes in my mind do not seem so much odd as "curious" or "unfamiliar."
I didn't get the sense that it lost steam as it progressed and I liked the ending, too. If you leave it unchanged it is still a good poem, but if you were to expand it by a verse or two in the middle, perhaps you might come closer to what I think you are saying you feel it lacks.
"I've learned so much from my mistakes...I'm thinking of making few more."
-
Selene - OBOD Druid
- Posts: 7080
- Age: 63
- Joined: 04 Feb 2003, 22:04
- Location: Louisiana USA
- Gender: Female
by Ruthie » 17 Mar 2005, 02:56
Times Remembered
I read it a few times before I really got the effect, and it is a good work!
Your use of line breaks to separate out "vision" and "thought" is a little confusing on first blush, but it helps to give depth to the work.
The other suggestion I have is that "pops into my head" seems stylistically inconsistent with the rest of the work.
I think the stanza where it "loses steam" is the "I am vaguely irritated" one, I have only two "visions" to base this on, and both are quite pleasant, so I'm at first not entirely sure why you would be irritated. After several reads, I realise the answer, but perhaps the pattern of line breaks has confused me between which is "vision" and which is "action". Might you try it with italics to separate these two, just to see the effect?
Altogether, a powerful work!
I hope my observations and comments are helpful to you, Flidais. And I especially like your ending. It ties the whole idea so neatly together!
I read it a few times before I really got the effect, and it is a good work!
Your use of line breaks to separate out "vision" and "thought" is a little confusing on first blush, but it helps to give depth to the work.
The other suggestion I have is that "pops into my head" seems stylistically inconsistent with the rest of the work.
I think the stanza where it "loses steam" is the "I am vaguely irritated" one, I have only two "visions" to base this on, and both are quite pleasant, so I'm at first not entirely sure why you would be irritated. After several reads, I realise the answer, but perhaps the pattern of line breaks has confused me between which is "vision" and which is "action". Might you try it with italics to separate these two, just to see the effect?
Altogether, a powerful work!
I hope my observations and comments are helpful to you, Flidais. And I especially like your ending. It ties the whole idea so neatly together!
-
Ruthie - Posts: 1467
- Joined: 03 Feb 2003, 19:48
- Location: CT, USA
by Flidais » 17 Mar 2005, 13:56
Many thanks for your very kind critique.
The poem is about dying, my death, the feeling of contentment, not fear.Small memories of my life that appear in my mind, though I don't quite recognise them, which bothers me just a little, but not overly. Then the slip into death and returning to the arms of the Goddess.
I really see lots I can do now with the piece thanks to all your comments. It's very interesting to read the different takes on it, and the fact that not everyone sees what I have intended to say, in itself shows where work needs doing to make it more clear.
Thankyou again and it really wasn't too painful
Blessing
Flidais x
The poem is about dying, my death, the feeling of contentment, not fear.Small memories of my life that appear in my mind, though I don't quite recognise them, which bothers me just a little, but not overly. Then the slip into death and returning to the arms of the Goddess.
I really see lots I can do now with the piece thanks to all your comments. It's very interesting to read the different takes on it, and the fact that not everyone sees what I have intended to say, in itself shows where work needs doing to make it more clear.
Thankyou again and it really wasn't too painful
Blessing
Flidais x
Summer ends in gowns of gold and Red
Diamond encrusted webs
add sparkle to her aging eyes.
One last dance before sleep over takes her
and visions of green fill her dreams.
-
Flidais - Posts: 1095
- Age: 57
- Joined: 15 Jun 2003, 21:24
- Location: Cheshire, England.
- Gender: Female
by Crow » 17 Mar 2005, 16:44
Louis
I'll hasten to follow Flidais by submitting a poem that I wrote some time ago, which I really wound up not liking at all.
The poem is about my great-grandfather who committed suicide long before I was born.
Although the manner of his death wasn't exactly a secret, it also wasn't something that was openly discussed in our family, and those few tidbits that I do know will never be fleshed out, as everyone who was in a position to know the details is now dead.
When my mother died nearly two years ago, my sister obtained a box containing many old documents and letters, including my great-grandfather's suicide note, which my sister and I never knew existed.
What little I know is that my great-grandfather was a butcher and worked at a meat-packing plant in San Antonio, Texas. I suppose health standards in 1929 weren't what they are today (or -- horrors -- maybe they are!) because the story goes that my great-grandfather told his wife that he was taking his pistol down to the plant on a weekend morning to shoot rats, which apparently were a problem then. Instead of shooting rats, he shot himself, and left the note I mentioned.
Here is a copy of that note:
In my poem, "Louis," I tried to write about the questions that I have as to why he did what he did, and about how he must have felt in the minutes leading up to his final act.
I had lots of material to work with: the questions, the suicide note, the stark scene. But I felt that my poem got bogged down in an annoying rhyming scheme, and I'm not even sure now why I constructed it that way.
I'm of a mind to completely tear the thing up and start over, but I need help because I'm not even sure what form it should take. How does one decide a poem's form? Before writing it, or does it just sort of happen of its own accord? Any help will be appreciated!
And after that long preamble, here is the link to my poem.
http://www.druidry.org/board/viewtopic.php?t=6168&highlight=Louis
Louis
I'll hasten to follow Flidais by submitting a poem that I wrote some time ago, which I really wound up not liking at all.
The poem is about my great-grandfather who committed suicide long before I was born.
Although the manner of his death wasn't exactly a secret, it also wasn't something that was openly discussed in our family, and those few tidbits that I do know will never be fleshed out, as everyone who was in a position to know the details is now dead.
When my mother died nearly two years ago, my sister obtained a box containing many old documents and letters, including my great-grandfather's suicide note, which my sister and I never knew existed.
What little I know is that my great-grandfather was a butcher and worked at a meat-packing plant in San Antonio, Texas. I suppose health standards in 1929 weren't what they are today (or -- horrors -- maybe they are!) because the story goes that my great-grandfather told his wife that he was taking his pistol down to the plant on a weekend morning to shoot rats, which apparently were a problem then. Instead of shooting rats, he shot himself, and left the note I mentioned.
Here is a copy of that note:
In my poem, "Louis," I tried to write about the questions that I have as to why he did what he did, and about how he must have felt in the minutes leading up to his final act.
I had lots of material to work with: the questions, the suicide note, the stark scene. But I felt that my poem got bogged down in an annoying rhyming scheme, and I'm not even sure now why I constructed it that way.
I'm of a mind to completely tear the thing up and start over, but I need help because I'm not even sure what form it should take. How does one decide a poem's form? Before writing it, or does it just sort of happen of its own accord? Any help will be appreciated!
And after that long preamble, here is the link to my poem.
http://www.druidry.org/board/viewtopic.php?t=6168&highlight=Louis
Louis
-
Crow - OBOD Druid
- Posts: 4751
- Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
- Location: East Coast, U.S.A.
- Gender: Male
by Azrienoch » 17 Mar 2005, 18:54
Louis
I think your composition and writing scheme are perfect. Truely, only the poet will know for certain that their poetry speaks what they want. So the only advice I can offer is, since this obviously means a lot to you, stir up those emotions again, and rewrite it. You can do this several times, of course. The first, you may wish to follow the poem as it is, and write out notes on what you wanted to say for each bit, and/or how those lines make you feel in contrast to how the actual experience made you feel. You may wish to do this in poetry form or not, I don't know that it entirely matters. Then, I would rewrite the poem, regardless of rhyme since no one will necessarily see it. Then compare all of the notes and poems, and see what you like most in each, and then compile them. Then work through this final poem, looking up the perfect words. Finally, if you wish to still have a rhyming scheme, the easiest tool you could utilize is a rhyming dictionary.
Maybe that will help, I don't know, but it's the process I use for poetry. Like I said; in the end, only you will know if a poem paints the picture that you envision.
I think your composition and writing scheme are perfect. Truely, only the poet will know for certain that their poetry speaks what they want. So the only advice I can offer is, since this obviously means a lot to you, stir up those emotions again, and rewrite it. You can do this several times, of course. The first, you may wish to follow the poem as it is, and write out notes on what you wanted to say for each bit, and/or how those lines make you feel in contrast to how the actual experience made you feel. You may wish to do this in poetry form or not, I don't know that it entirely matters. Then, I would rewrite the poem, regardless of rhyme since no one will necessarily see it. Then compare all of the notes and poems, and see what you like most in each, and then compile them. Then work through this final poem, looking up the perfect words. Finally, if you wish to still have a rhyming scheme, the easiest tool you could utilize is a rhyming dictionary.
Maybe that will help, I don't know, but it's the process I use for poetry. Like I said; in the end, only you will know if a poem paints the picture that you envision.
-
Azrienoch - Posts: 1494
- Joined: 15 Dec 2003, 20:36
- Location: Twin Cities, MN
by Flidais » 17 Mar 2005, 19:55
I must admit Crow I like this poem as it stands, the sadness comes through in the writing. I won't pretend to give you a poets view as I have no real experience of the ins and outs of poetry, I just write from my heart.
I agree with Azrienoch, try rewriting it in another, perhaps non rhyming form and see where it takes you. I would however, keep hold of the original as thats where the passion lies, Some of my better poetry (Too Old) was written straight off in the passion of the moment.
Love and blessings
Flidais x
I agree with Azrienoch, try rewriting it in another, perhaps non rhyming form and see where it takes you. I would however, keep hold of the original as thats where the passion lies, Some of my better poetry (Too Old) was written straight off in the passion of the moment.
Love and blessings
Flidais x
Summer ends in gowns of gold and Red
Diamond encrusted webs
add sparkle to her aging eyes.
One last dance before sleep over takes her
and visions of green fill her dreams.
-
Flidais - Posts: 1095
- Age: 57
- Joined: 15 Jun 2003, 21:24
- Location: Cheshire, England.
- Gender: Female
by Kat Lady » 17 Mar 2005, 20:24
Louis
This is a wonderful poem, Crow. it expresses both the grief at a loss and a grief at the inability to fully understand why the event had to happen. Just what was so wrong? Very poignant.
I agree that you just might want to re-work it and see how it flows with you in a different pattern. If you do continue to want the rhyming, you might want to try rhyming the second and fourth lines for something different. Example just switching lines:
Just what were you thinking
while tears fell like rain
in your two-hour wait
with no end to your pain?
My other suggestion would be that you might want to move the " love yous" to the beginning first showing the love, then the "what were you thinking" as the questions build in intensity and ending with the "it boggles the mind" feeling that I feel at the end.
Like Az said, in the end, it is your poem and you are the one that knows what emotions you tapped into to write it and whether it "paints the picture that you envision."(good phrase, Az!)
This is a wonderful poem, Crow. it expresses both the grief at a loss and a grief at the inability to fully understand why the event had to happen. Just what was so wrong? Very poignant.
I agree that you just might want to re-work it and see how it flows with you in a different pattern. If you do continue to want the rhyming, you might want to try rhyming the second and fourth lines for something different. Example just switching lines:
Just what were you thinking
while tears fell like rain
in your two-hour wait
with no end to your pain?
My other suggestion would be that you might want to move the " love yous" to the beginning first showing the love, then the "what were you thinking" as the questions build in intensity and ending with the "it boggles the mind" feeling that I feel at the end.
Like Az said, in the end, it is your poem and you are the one that knows what emotions you tapped into to write it and whether it "paints the picture that you envision."(good phrase, Az!)
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.--Mark Twain
-
Kat Lady - OBOD Druid
- Posts: 7136
- Joined: 07 Jul 2004, 02:00
- Gender: Female
by Ruthie » 18 Mar 2005, 00:19
Louis
It strikes me as an internal struggle between seeking answers while attempting to forge a connection. I have no common reference with which to help you except to perhaps consider alternating the "I love you" stanzas with the "Just what" stanzas. Doing that would give a little more balance and convey more fully that struggle.
The rhythm and rhyme are very internally consistent, sometimes delibrately placing a "hiccup" in a stanza sets it off from the others, makes it more impactful. You might think about playing around with your structure, just to increase it's impact on the reader in an appropriate place.
Also, adding detail (the meat-packing plant, saying he was "shooting rats") helps readers to better envision your thoughts. Small details like those add dimension to a work, though are often painful to add.
I can quickly see this poem is rife with emotion and meaning, and hope you will re-post with an update on it's progress!
MC
It strikes me as an internal struggle between seeking answers while attempting to forge a connection. I have no common reference with which to help you except to perhaps consider alternating the "I love you" stanzas with the "Just what" stanzas. Doing that would give a little more balance and convey more fully that struggle.
The rhythm and rhyme are very internally consistent, sometimes delibrately placing a "hiccup" in a stanza sets it off from the others, makes it more impactful. You might think about playing around with your structure, just to increase it's impact on the reader in an appropriate place.
Also, adding detail (the meat-packing plant, saying he was "shooting rats") helps readers to better envision your thoughts. Small details like those add dimension to a work, though are often painful to add.
I can quickly see this poem is rife with emotion and meaning, and hope you will re-post with an update on it's progress!
MC
Last edited by Ruthie on 18 Mar 2005, 17:34, edited 1 time in total.
-
Ruthie - Posts: 1467
- Joined: 03 Feb 2003, 19:48
- Location: CT, USA
by Crow » 18 Mar 2005, 15:20
Louis
Thanks everyone for your help. I plan to give this poem another try -- without the rhyming -- and see if I like it any better. If I come up with anything presentable, I'll post it. Next ....?
Thanks everyone for your help. I plan to give this poem another try -- without the rhyming -- and see if I like it any better. If I come up with anything presentable, I'll post it. Next ....?
“You can't study the darkness by flooding it with light.” ~ Edward Abbey
-
Crow - OBOD Druid
- Posts: 4751
- Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
- Location: East Coast, U.S.A.
- Gender: Male
by Selene » 18 Mar 2005, 18:19
Louis
Just one more comment before we move on:
Crow, I can see where you might want to rework this into a non-rhyming poem, and I think it will be worth the effort, but there is something compelling about the repeated questions and rhyming couplets in this version. I think you have crafted a powerful statement here that a little refinement could be a very fine poem.
What if you were to vary the initial query, "Just what were you thinking..." a bit? Something like this, perhaps:
Just what were you thinking
when you left kith and kin
to find some mean place
there to hide with no trace?
And what did you ponder
when you sat by yourself
in some lonely room
your thoughts focused on doom?
Did you dwell on your sadness
in your two-hour wait
while tears fell like rain
with no end to your pain?
Did you think of no answer
when you wrote out a note
and told your dear wife
you were ending life's strife?
O, what were you thinking
when you picked up your gun,
placed muzzle to head
knowing soon you'd be dead?
These are just some rough ideas, put together quickly, but I hope they might stimulate you to reconsider the virtue of your rhyme and work a bit on polishing it.
Good luck with this--I think you have chosen a worthy topic here!
Selene
Just one more comment before we move on:
Crow, I can see where you might want to rework this into a non-rhyming poem, and I think it will be worth the effort, but there is something compelling about the repeated questions and rhyming couplets in this version. I think you have crafted a powerful statement here that a little refinement could be a very fine poem.
What if you were to vary the initial query, "Just what were you thinking..." a bit? Something like this, perhaps:
Just what were you thinking
when you left kith and kin
to find some mean place
there to hide with no trace?
And what did you ponder
when you sat by yourself
in some lonely room
your thoughts focused on doom?
Did you dwell on your sadness
in your two-hour wait
while tears fell like rain
with no end to your pain?
Did you think of no answer
when you wrote out a note
and told your dear wife
you were ending life's strife?
O, what were you thinking
when you picked up your gun,
placed muzzle to head
knowing soon you'd be dead?
These are just some rough ideas, put together quickly, but I hope they might stimulate you to reconsider the virtue of your rhyme and work a bit on polishing it.
Good luck with this--I think you have chosen a worthy topic here!
Selene
"I've learned so much from my mistakes...I'm thinking of making few more."
-
Selene - OBOD Druid
- Posts: 7080
- Age: 63
- Joined: 04 Feb 2003, 22:04
- Location: Louisiana USA
- Gender: Female
I write to you because you are safe
by wolfsong » 18 Mar 2005, 20:24
Next!
I write to you because you are safe
http://www.druidry.org/board/viewtopic.php?t=9552
Okay ... I didn't think I'd put this here, because it was something I wrote very much during some emotional turmoil, and it was meant to be nothing more than this is how I feel, get the emotions out and express them etc.
But, emotions fully expressed, feeling better about the whole thing that set me off, and realizing how in love I am with most of what I've written, I'm interested in some technical guidance.
I don't really like the ending. I was running out of steam there, emotionally, and I wasn't sure how to finish it. I think it kind of tapers off, and while I'm calming down and feeling better (in the poem), I think it's just too much of an anti-climax.
Also, just, does everything make sense?
And anything else you see could be improved.
I write to you because you are safe
http://www.druidry.org/board/viewtopic.php?t=9552
Okay ... I didn't think I'd put this here, because it was something I wrote very much during some emotional turmoil, and it was meant to be nothing more than this is how I feel, get the emotions out and express them etc.
But, emotions fully expressed, feeling better about the whole thing that set me off, and realizing how in love I am with most of what I've written, I'm interested in some technical guidance.
I don't really like the ending. I was running out of steam there, emotionally, and I wasn't sure how to finish it. I think it kind of tapers off, and while I'm calming down and feeling better (in the poem), I think it's just too much of an anti-climax.
Also, just, does everything make sense?
And anything else you see could be improved.
-
wolfsong - Posts: 80
- Joined: 08 Mar 2005, 06:20
- Location: Salt Lake City, UT, USA
by Crow » 18 Mar 2005, 21:41
I write to you because you are safe
First off, I think this is a tremendous, tremendous work, and I have said so on the poem thread itself.
I think what I want to offer for discussion about this work is about presentation.
First off, the title is a real grabber, and when I saw it last night (I happened to be at work at the time), I thought, "What the devil is this?" Upon starting to read, I felt my jaw start to drop at the raw emotion that was being displayed, by the apparent honesty and candor.
I was entralled until I reached this point:
I think I would have ended it instead with the lines:
With the material that followed, in which the author addressed her audience, I was unsure at first if the work itself was continuing and had simply morphed into prose, or if it had ended.
My suggestion to you, wolfsong, would be to lop off that extra material and let the poem stand by itself, and let the audience wonder about you and about it.
And along the same lines, I noticed that in your signature line you have linked your website, and of course I clicked on it and looked at it for a few minutes, and that seemed a little incongruous with what I'd just read about fear and anonymity, because obviously you have posted some personal information there for anyone to see. That of course is your decision, but I'm just pointing out how it seems in stark contrast to the poem, and you might consider unchecking the "Attach signature" line for that post only, if you'd like it to stand as a separate, powerful piece.
First off, I think this is a tremendous, tremendous work, and I have said so on the poem thread itself.
I think what I want to offer for discussion about this work is about presentation.
First off, the title is a real grabber, and when I saw it last night (I happened to be at work at the time), I thought, "What the devil is this?" Upon starting to read, I felt my jaw start to drop at the raw emotion that was being displayed, by the apparent honesty and candor.
I was entralled until I reached this point:
Pause. Take a breath.
Right now.
Here.
Me.
I think I would have ended it instead with the lines:
I can’t move forward, I’m stuck in the past.
I can’t see the past, I’m waiting for the future.
With the material that followed, in which the author addressed her audience, I was unsure at first if the work itself was continuing and had simply morphed into prose, or if it had ended.
My suggestion to you, wolfsong, would be to lop off that extra material and let the poem stand by itself, and let the audience wonder about you and about it.
And along the same lines, I noticed that in your signature line you have linked your website, and of course I clicked on it and looked at it for a few minutes, and that seemed a little incongruous with what I'd just read about fear and anonymity, because obviously you have posted some personal information there for anyone to see. That of course is your decision, but I'm just pointing out how it seems in stark contrast to the poem, and you might consider unchecking the "Attach signature" line for that post only, if you'd like it to stand as a separate, powerful piece.
“You can't study the darkness by flooding it with light.” ~ Edward Abbey
-
Crow - OBOD Druid
- Posts: 4751
- Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
- Location: East Coast, U.S.A.
- Gender: Male
by Azrienoch » 19 Mar 2005, 08:58
I know this is a huge undertaking, but I'd appreciate any input on the three chapters of Curiosities Abroad that I've completed so far.
Within themselves, they are each a story and I'd like them to be critiqued individually, but they will also connect to each other, so look for the ways that they connect -- just don't let that be the focus of your criticism.
Thanks everyone.
Within themselves, they are each a story and I'd like them to be critiqued individually, but they will also connect to each other, so look for the ways that they connect -- just don't let that be the focus of your criticism.
Thanks everyone.
-
Azrienoch - Posts: 1494
- Joined: 15 Dec 2003, 20:36
- Location: Twin Cities, MN
by Crow » 23 Mar 2005, 18:23
Curiosities Abroad
Hi Azrienoch. Again, my apologies for not getting to this sooner, but I've been distracted.
I really like very much what you've done with these chapters and the introduction. I think you set the scene very well, and the images that sprang to my mind when I read it was the old computer game called "Myst," in which there are puzzles and mysteries that need solving.
I think you've captured Alferian, and the ideas you express about him help solidify my own ideas about him, though I've never had the pleasure of meeting him. But you've very much set up what seems to be a master/apprentice type of relationship, and like the best teachers are apt to do, Alferian points the student in a certain direction, but it is up to the student to discover the lesson and how it applies to his specific situation.
From a technical standpoint, I think you could stand to go back over what you've written and clean it up a little. There are a few spelling errors and maybe one or two tense problems that I noticed.
I found the long back-and-forth dialogues a little tedious, and you might consider ways to break these up a little, just to give the reader a chance to rest. I felt at times a little like I was watching a tennis match with a particularly long volley.
Other than those minor complaints, I really like what you're doing, and look forward to more.
Hi Azrienoch. Again, my apologies for not getting to this sooner, but I've been distracted.
I really like very much what you've done with these chapters and the introduction. I think you set the scene very well, and the images that sprang to my mind when I read it was the old computer game called "Myst," in which there are puzzles and mysteries that need solving.
I think you've captured Alferian, and the ideas you express about him help solidify my own ideas about him, though I've never had the pleasure of meeting him. But you've very much set up what seems to be a master/apprentice type of relationship, and like the best teachers are apt to do, Alferian points the student in a certain direction, but it is up to the student to discover the lesson and how it applies to his specific situation.
From a technical standpoint, I think you could stand to go back over what you've written and clean it up a little. There are a few spelling errors and maybe one or two tense problems that I noticed.
I found the long back-and-forth dialogues a little tedious, and you might consider ways to break these up a little, just to give the reader a chance to rest. I felt at times a little like I was watching a tennis match with a particularly long volley.
Other than those minor complaints, I really like what you're doing, and look forward to more.
“You can't study the darkness by flooding it with light.” ~ Edward Abbey
-
Crow - OBOD Druid
- Posts: 4751
- Joined: 10 Feb 2004, 17:04
- Location: East Coast, U.S.A.
- Gender: Male
by Azrienoch » 24 Mar 2005, 05:31
I think you've captured Alferian, and the ideas you express about him help solidify my own ideas about him, though I've never had the pleasure of meeting him.
lol, well, before those ideas solidify, take note that nearly everything is overly exaggerated.
I found the long back-and-forth dialogues a little tedious, and you might consider ways to break these up a little, just to give the reader a chance to rest. I felt at times a little like I was watching a tennis match with a particularly long volley.
I'm almost certain that you are correct in this, and it's a major dilemma that I have. I tend to have conversations with myself, and once I've reached a fairly solid conclusion, I'll put characters and a setting to it. I'm pretty sure that this is an outdated format of sorts, but I guess I just like that conversational sort of dilemma, climax, and solution. Tell me, if I were to soften the conversations, how would you recommend that? I mean, if you were writing it, what would be in between those quotes?
Thank you so much for doing this, by the way... as you said with the grammatical errors, I need to stand back and take a look at what I've done, and I tend to be more accurate when I have others taking a look with me.
-
Azrienoch - Posts: 1494
- Joined: 15 Dec 2003, 20:36
- Location: Twin Cities, MN
75 posts
• Page 1 of 4 • 1, 2, 3, 4
Return to Bardic Offerings Archive subforum
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest