The next day, all over the newspapers and television stations, the words rang out, "ALFERIAN DECLARES A RECALL ON ALL DEBATES
Crow picked up the paper from his doorstep, wondering how this headline had come to be without his okaying it. He read, "The Druid master has called a halt to all formal debate, declaring debate to be illogical. He was quoted saying, 'All this poo-pooing of magic systems, balance, language, astrology, and God is getting out of hand, and it's all formal debate's fault. As everyone knows, debate just isn't how things get done, both at the present time, and throughout history. Everyone knows that rap is the answer to everything, so I'll be hosting the first annual international internationally televised via satellite bardic rap-off at the Missourian Stonehenge." If you would like to compete, call 911-00-369-9963.
Crow closed his paper, his eyes wide. A rap-off. He had to be there, he just had
to. So he took a flight. Of course, his flight was delayed, due to a massive crowd of blind people standing on the runway.
When he arrived at the stonehenge, the crowds were thick, and he really had to muscle his way into the great stone circle. Once within this massive megalith, he saw Frank and Frank (also known as Hank), and Saki sitting on a toppled boulder. Merlyn was standing on top of his bike, practicing his rap to himself while making flowing guestures with his hands. Unikorn was laughing with some rastafarian-looking folk. Crow noticed Earthward standing alone, and went over to talk to him. "What's going on? What's todays scedule." Earthward didn't look away from the place he'd been staring at this entire time. "Don't know. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting." Crow waved a hand in front of Earthward's face. Nothing. At that very moment, he wristwatch alarm went off. "BEEP!!" screamed Earthward. The watched beeped again. "BEEP!" Beep. "BEEP!"
Crow slapped EW across the face. "Ouch. Where am I? Last thing I remember was switching the channel from 'Rainman' to 'Psycho'."
Crow didn't stay to listen, and went over to Merlyn. "Hey, man, feel ready?" Without stopping the flowing guestures, Merlyn said, "Of course, always." Crow looked around the circle. "Have you seen Azrienoch, or is he not showing?" Merlyn actually stopped. "You mean 'Azzy Jeff'? No, he's over there, on the outside of the circle with the crowd. Missouri just passed a smoking ban, and now he can't smoke inside the circle." Crow peered over the crowd and saw Azrienoch, grumbling to himself, probably about the lack of evidence to support the claims of the dangers of second-hand smoke.
Suddenly, the crowd went into an uproar, and Crow turned to see the crowds in the East parting as Alferian walked through. Merlyn hopped off his bike, Saki, Frank, and Hank hopped off the rock, and Azrienoch shoved his way through the crowd, trying to get in a few more drags of his cigarette before going inside the circle.
Alferian came to a stop in the middle of the circle and raised his hands.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, let the games begin!"
The crowd roared with cheers and applause. Then, on Alferians cue, the crowd begain to clap a beat.
And it began:
Now follow da rule,
or I'll dismiss you, fool.
Stay wit da beat as ya fight ya duel.
Cuz if you ain't, you ain't be cool.
Wave yo bling; yo golden jewels.
Let me begin,
since ya'll ain't gonna win.
I'm never wrong, I never sin.
I use logic from within
to show your contradiction.
The beat changes
This place is really good.
As above, and so below,
Surrounded by the wood.
And so I say that balance works
Cuz we find it everywhere.
So just get lost you science jerks
Cuz we don't really care.
: Okay, so you want to play
In the land of hard knocks.
: If I might, I'd like to say
that balance is a paradox.
: That's right, a flaw is found
When you observe equality.
So balance is just another faith-bound
Bullsh*t rhetoric of druidry.
Change in beat
Hey now, fool, don't be a hater,
and flash around your logic like logical debater.
That crap is worthless here.
So grab a distilled beer,
cuz ya out, my G, so see you later.
Frank and Hank leave the circle.
: Good call, ref, to kick out Frank
And his half-crazed psycho brother, Hank.
They both stank
and my mind just went blank
so anything else that rhymes with 'ank.'
Kernos steps into the circle.
:Blank? Did someone say my name?
I'm stepping in to being you all shame.
This here is my land,
and aren't my antlers grand?
Let's get on with with this rapping game.
Green Druid and Selene run into the circle, shouting with delight, "Faeries! Faeries!"
The beat changes.
: What'd you call me?!
: No, that wasn't toward you.
: It'd better not be...
: I saw faeries! Yes, it's true!
:Alright, you three,
that's enough of that.
Damn my senility...
Where were we at?