CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM THREAD

[Dair Ciúin]

Laurelin,

I've posted a couple of comments on the separate thread - I probably should have added them here.

[Laurelin Tauregwaithalion]

Thank you Selene! Exactly what I was looking for!! I pitched this bit-o-nonsense together on wordpad in a few minutes and decided to post it here rather than keep poking at it with a stick all by myself. I'm going to go revise, do a bit with it, and let you have another look.

We used to do just this sort of thing in my poetry/creative writing classes. It was always useful to see the poem from a different angle.

Back in a flash,

Laurelin

[Laurelin Tauregwaithalion]

Alright... she's changed a bit. I still think it's a little squiffy towards the sun's death, but there's a marked improvement. Thanks selene for being as precise as you were. Your comments and the "whys" behind them are invaluable. I changed some of the repetitive wording (something one doesn't notice until one reads it aloud, and since I was losing my voice I couldn't very well read it that way).

Have another go. It's very improved, I have to say, but a poem is never truly finished, is it? It just approaches completion. The good ones are just nearer than the others.

I'm also looking for a real title. I don't want to echo anything from the poem in the title, but I just tagged it "Imagery" because that's what I was practicing at the time... polish some of the dust off the poetic nook in my brain. You know the drill, I'm sure.

--Laurelin Linrilwen Tauregwaithalion

[Selene]

Laurelin,
I like the changes you've made. Just a couple more comments:

and you can see the light shine through
like a thousand tiny little orbs.

"tiny little" seems a bit redundant--you might get more impact if you substituted something else for "little," perhaps "tiny golden orbs," or "tiny glowing orbs," etc.

Of course, if you did use "golden" it would repeat from the first line—I'm weird about this, I know, but I would not repeat a color name in such a short work. (Colors are very special to me, hence my obsessing over this but that's another story.) I might change the first "gold" to "saffron," for example, if it were mine.

On the whole, I think you've crafted a nice piece of writing. If you're like me, you can polish until you wear it smooth, but I wouldn't do too much more to this if I were you. Needs some texture to give it character!

[Laurelin Tauregwaithalion]

Ironically, I meant to change that line to "tiny colored orbs" or something to that effect since sunlight is white and generally, cut to pieces, refracts into rainbows. Also since the metaphor mimics the starry sky, and stars are different colors, I figured that would work nicely. I spaced it. Must be 'cause I'm getting sick or something.

You've been tons of help! Thanks.

--Laurelin

[Fox]

"Hi folks, I also have started writing a novel, I'm up to Chapter the Eighth in my scribbly writing in my notebook, but I thought I would start posting the chapters on a blog...."

I have moved this into the more secure arena of the Bard's forum.

[Fox]

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[Amethyst]

Greetings Stormcrow,

First off, thank you for bringing this thread back to everyone's attention!

I popped in for a read of your prologue and it is wonderfully written. Your language has a poetic style that makes it very enjoyable and evocative to read. Never having been to Scotland, your words paint a beautiful picture, with plot leads to keep me coming back for more!

Right now, my only suggestion would be to have some type of copyright protection on it. A declaration under the photograph where you have "The village of Auldhame and everyone in it are works of fiction" would be suitable for stating the blatant fact that this is your work.

I do not know enough about blogs to suggest a way of making it (nearly) impossible select and copy the text. I have seen this done with photos, but not with text (the right-click "save as..." method). Same concerns for printing. A possibility may be to post the chapters as PDF files which can be encoded for denying copying and printing.

I suggest this only because I would hate for someone to steal your excellent hardwork!

I eagerly await forthcoming chapters!

Blessings,
Amethyst

[Laurelin Tauregwaithalion]

Stormcrow,

It's the resident wannabe English teacher again. Everyone run for cover! Okay... so under normal circumstances I would have posted my little tips and suggestions to refine your first two bits of writing. I cannot do that right now due to time constraints, but if you can be a little patient with me, I'll give it the once over when things settle down for me again. Between sewing projects, working, rehearsals, recuperating from my tree loss, and reinventing the wheel, I'm swamped. From what I read, though, I really do want to make some comments and help you hone this a little bit. I will say there isn't much that needs doing, just a nip here and a tweak there that an extra pair of eyes can lend. PM me if you want.

--Laurelin Linrilwen Tauregwaithalion

[Fox]

LT, thanks for the interest. Just remember this really is a first draft, copied straight from my notebook with little or no editing.

Amethyst, don't know if there's a way I can stop people from cutting and pasting it, but if I have dated it, and yes put a copyright symbol (which is a formality, as copyright exists anyway) and all of you lot can testify that you saw it here first under my moniker if anyone tries to steal it

Cheers, Paul

Stormcrow,

It's the resident wannabe English teacher again. Everyone run for cover! Okay... so under normal circumstances I would have posted my little tips and suggestions to refine your first two bits of writing. I cannot do that right now due to time constraints, but if you can be a little patient with me, I'll give it the once over when things settle down for me again. Between sewing projects, working, rehearsals, recuperating from my tree loss, and reinventing the wheel, I'm swamped. From what I read, though, I really do want to make some comments and help you hone this a little bit. I will say there isn't much that needs doing, just a nip here and a tweak there that an extra pair of eyes can lend. PM me if you want.

--Laurelin Linrilwen Tauregwaithalion

[Laurelin Tauregwaithalion]

Stormcrow,

No problems here... If anyone knows what rough draft means, it's me. You're talking to a Bachelor of Arts (English). I know precisely what it means. My comments will scan accordingly, I assure you. I'll be nice.

--Laurelin

[Fox]

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[Fox]

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[Fox]

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[Fox]

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[Fox]

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[Traveller]

i would like some constructive critiscm, on these two poems please

http://www.druidry.org/index.php?module ... 34bb4f504b

and

http://www.druidry.org/index.php?module ... 34bb4f504b

[Lorraine]

Hi Traveller, those links don't work.  They just appear to go to the main druidry.org site with the messageboard embedded.  It might be a good idea to repost the poems here.  

Lorraine

[Traveller]

Ok will do,

Sailing

Clipping along,
boom twirling,
ropes creaking

Then silence as the wind stops,
boredom takes over,
endless card games,
and reading.

Then they leap up,
as the wind comes up from nowhere,
shouting out orders,
as the ship gains speed,
dolphins begin to jump,
the sailors watch with glee,
at every spare moment,
Sun sparkling on the waves,
As the ship sails to the sunset


Snow

Light, heavy, mushy, slushy,
papery, dry, wet, powdery,
fluffy, wet, cold, yellow snow.

Used to make creature
armies of snowmen,
for fights, and fights for survival .

Beautifing a landscape,
making it like,
a black and white picture.


i am going to add a couple more.

Maple Sugaring

The Dull Thwack
of the axe swinging
Through the wood,
Splitting it
Then thudding as the axe,
Sinks into the tree stump,
the sound reverberating around the forest

The man now finished
Loads the wood upon
A sleigh and heads to the sugar shack
Knowing now that he
May create maple syrup

as he arrives his helpers come
To whittle spouts and
Tap the trees

Now they hand their
Buckets waiting for a chill,
So they can collect,
the essential sap

“Back to the sugar shack” the leader proclaims.

The sugar shack,
the fire is started,
the sap pumped,
then boiled, getting denser,
Steaming up the air,
Until the syrup isn’t far.

and another maple sugaring thing, exactly 300 words.

Maple sugaring

Every year they come in their box’s, unlike when I was a sapling, their little box’s are so noisy and annoying, and make some sort of poisonous gas. They come with there cold, hard twisted sticks with weird things on them, grinding into the tree, smashing hollow sticks made of the same material of the twisted sticks, with a hook into the hole. The blood of that poor maple tree goes into that holding device when it goes to freezing and when it goes above freezing again. They come with their sled with round things on it, attached to a different self propelled thing, and take the blood of the tree and put it in a holding container, and take it back to their huge wooden box where I sit. There they put the blood of the maple tree in a container. Then they take their magic sticks and start a hot red being. They throw my brethren into this tree consuming beast, to make a huge heat, and start the flow maple blood into a shallow container above the evil being. A vapor starts to rise above the shallow container as they make the blood thicker and release the vapors to the heavens. As they huddle around another beast to keep warm waiting for the blood to become thicker. They leap into action constantly monitoring the how the sugar level in the blood. Then they release it from the container and put it into two smaller ones that they pour into a box, and it comes out clean. Then they taste it, and look at it, finally putting it in a box with a blue flickering thing below it putting it into clear containers, then others come and buy the containers with the maple blood called syrup.

[John]

Give me critisim...constructive critiscm that is!

I am Night