Attachment Parenting: Druid Parenting

[Julysea]

I'm presuming that at 11 weeks your baby can hold her head up? I always used a soft fleece pouch sling at that age, in a hip carry which meant the baby was sitting on my hip, I could put one hand round them to pat them easily, but generally had both hands free to do stuff. It also means they can see all around easily.

I would also second what Argenta said - this is an 11 week old baby, she's not meant to be independent and no-one, least of all babies, learns anything useful from being left to cry. If you're ever in any doubt of that then read Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt or What Parents Need To KNow by Margot Sunderland both of which detail the very latest neuroscientific research showing the damage which can be done to babies' brains by unresponsive parenting and controlled crying.

A baby has been inside your body for 9 months and then outside of it for les than 11 weeks. She depends on you for her life, so it is a very clever survival adaptation that makes her cry when you're not holding her. She hasn't learned what they call 'object permanence' at her age - so she doesn't know, if you put her down, whether you'll be back or not, so che cries to get you back, pronto.

I would also say, that 11 weeks is a classic fussy time - growth spurt, start of teething, could be all sorts of things. Have you tried an amber teething necklace or camomile teething granules? She may be in pain.

Also, you will learn to do all kinds of things with one hand while she's on your hip. I certainly did washing up, cooking, cleaning my teeth, going to the loo, all kinds of stuff with a baby on my hip. Plus, let your standards slip. Only do the very minimum while your little one is so small, especially if your husband is away. Also, can your husband get out of business trips for a while? Because the more he's away, the less your baby gets to know and trust him as another carer and then the less she'll be happy to go to him when he is there, to give you a break.

Some babies are more vociferous about getting their needs met. This is, again, a good survival characteristic. If you're more passive and a 'good' baby, as we term it today, it's easy for you to be ignored and your needs not to be met. If you're loudly demanding and definite about your needs, then you get your needs met better. This is a good thing, though it may be exhausting for you!

[Argenta]

My family all lives far away and his family....well, I don't want to be negative but they aren't the type I feel comfortable inviting over without him here, if that makes sense. And sadly since having her I've found out most of my friends aren't as close as I thought (ehh such is life).

Aw, I know what you mean It's really a difficult period, especially if you suddenly find yourself rather alone.
Maybe you can arrange your cleaning/ cooking schedule around her nap-times? I guess baby that age has at least three naps, and perhaps you can use one to get rest yourself, another to cook, and the third to clean... or some version that works for you.

And Julysea is right again: just drop all non-essentials! (And do think about house help, if you can.)

I have checked her and even kept a written record and 99% of the time nothing is wrong-she's full, clean nappy, no bubbles and in a good mood...until I put her down (queue the scary music) and then the howls. Pick her up, instant happy baby.

That's great, or at least the first part
I guess you just have a baby who likes to be carried around... My boy was a bit like that, but suddenly outgrew it at 6 months when he started crawling. Whether you're that lucky, it's impossible to tell, but I definitely think you should give carriers a try, because it will save you a lot of sore muscles and backache, especially when the baby gets heavier. Not to mention all the things you'll be able to do.

What slings would you recommend for a small baby?

I'm afraid I live in a place where only one type is available, so this is the one I used (sorry, it's all in a foreign language, but perhaps you can get the idea from the pictures):
http://www.pixiekid.com/shop/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=91&products_id=272

It's, I think, a regular ring-sling that can hold the baby from day one to approx. 2 years.

When I mentioned holding the head up, it meant that she should be able to keep herself up on elbows when she is on her tummy. I got that information from the person who makes and sells mei-tais for living, and who is an ardent believer in carrying babies, so I trust her advice.

[Julysea]

For babywearing advice, see http://www.thebabywearer.com/ for everything you need to know about slings and then http://www.thecarryingkind.com/ to buy (if you're in the UK).

[Reyna]

She can hold her head up but does it using her back and tummy muscles-she hasn't learned to push up with her arms yet. She can only hold it up for about a minute but she is getting stronger.

Naps? About 3 or 4...in my arms only. If I try to lay her down I might get 10 minutes before she gets wakes up. We co-sleep at night so basically the only time we aren't touching is when she is with her dad or when I lay her down and she cries.

Sadly he can't hold off on trips right now. Its hard cause you can tell in the time he is gone she ?forgets? him and is super shy and iffy about being held by him for the first couple days. Breaks his heat but its part of the job and we knew that when we decided to try for kids.

I haven't heard of an amber teeth ring or chamomile granules. She doesn't seem to be cutting any teeth yet and I tried a teething ring you put in the freezer and just a regular one and she didn't care for them, though the look on her face when she gummed the cold one was priceless. She doesn't like pacifiers either-spits them across the room, LOL

I will look into some different slings-thanks for the suggestions Hopefully this is a phase, I love that she wants to be with me so much but...

[Argenta]

Naps? About 3 or 4...in my arms only. If I try to lay her down I might get 10 minutes before she gets wakes up. We co-sleep at night so basically the only time we aren't touching is when she is with her dad or when I lay her down and she cries.

There is a very good book by Elizabeth Pantley, The No-Cry Sleep Solution. It has some excellent and gentle advice on how to teach the baby to sleep on his/her own. I suggest you try reading it, because your baby is just getting to the stages where she can start learning to sleep on her own, though it will take a lot of patience, and probably some time, too. I tried it with my younger, and although the results were not as good as she promises in the book, the difference was huge so I do recommend it.

[Julysea]

Hang on in there, it's ALWAYS a phase, though it's hard to see that when you're in the thick of it!

[Argenta]

Hang on in there, it's ALWAYS a phase, though it's hard to see that when you're in the thick of it!

Sure, but there is always another phase lurking behind the current phase, waiting to jump at you just when you think you've got the hang of it
(Not a very helpful reply, but that's my experience.)

Edit: Though, admittedly, some phases are harder than others, and the kangaroo phase (carry-me-along-wherever-you-go) is definitely one of the most physically demanding. Or, at least a close second to "It's All So Interesting I Won't Waste Any Time On Sleeping".

[Julysea]

Ah yes, I was going to leave as a happy surprise the fact that just when you think you can't cope any more, they stop doing whatever it was that was challenging and move onto something else annoying in a different way...

[Nightfalls]

Hang on in there, it's ALWAYS a phase, though it's hard to see that when you're in the thick of it!

Sure, but there is always another phase lurking behind the current phase, waiting to jump at you just when you think you've got the hang of it
(Not a very helpful reply, but that's my experience.)

Edit: Though, admittedly, some phases are harder than others, and the kangaroo phase (carry-me-along-wherever-you-go) is definitely one of the most physically demanding. Or, at least a close second to "It's All So Interesting I Won't Waste Any Time On Sleeping".

How about the "This stuff is all so cool let me touch it phase"

I had a baby at my place in that phase for a day and i still cant find things he went after.

Oh and also do be careful when using slings. Not to long ago a woman suffocated her baby in one of them because the sling pushed the babys head too far down and blocked its air passage.

[Julysea]

That was a particular type of sling called a 'bag sling' which is modern invention, I believe, rather than modelled on tried and tested slings such as pouch slings and mei teis. I agree, bag slings are dangerous, but other properly made types, used correctly, are fine.

[Greenleaf]

I didn't do attachment parenting with my son and he is the most bright, confident and loving child. As a baby I fed him on demand, he set the routine and was consistent. He slept in my bed since it was easier than getting up often in the night. When he is ill he still gets to sleep in my bed, it makes him feel safe, but he also sleeps in his cot.

I think it doesn't matter how you raise your child, it's that you have a child who is loved, happy, confident, learned respect and grows up to be a fine adult

[Phyto]

Attachment parent here - I have studied developmental psychology and it's a very normal way to raise a child and good both psychologically and cognitively for secure, normal development. We are mammals - children need nurturing, close contact and to be understood - babies cry when they are unhappy, hungry, tired, overstimulated etc and really do require close contact, holding, carrying in a sling, breastfeeding (breastmilk is normal - formula is pharmaceutical chemicals - we're just too lazy or uninformed to make the effort sadly and there are very few medical reasons not to breastfeed) with at least one primary caregiver.

I know lots of children raised in this way - they are confident as they get older, secure, and healthy. The idea that somehow you can spoil an infant is outdated and goes against cognitive studies on healthy, normal infant development. Baby experts who believe in letting infants cry it out and so on need re-educating (and banning from publication imho as it is psychologically harmful). To my mind attachment parenting is just normal parenting working within the understanding of what you need to do as a mammal and human to raise a healthy infant through childhood and adulthood. It is at odds with many of us who have been raised in a more Dominant modality of parenting (whereby the infant is seen as something that needs to learn to rules of suppression, punishment/reward). Many people parent by just believing they are doing their best, often modelled on what went before, but it would be so much better if we remained constant learners and open to ways that work with a deep understanding of human behaviour - a baby crying is communicating its need to be held, loved, nurtured, fed, changed and so on. It's not turning into a monster by being listened to.

There is The Mother magazine for parents and also Jean Liedloff's The Continuum Concept is a good book to start with.

[Phyto]

I didn't do attachment parenting with my son and he is the most bright, confident and loving child. As a baby I fed him on demand, he set the routine and was consistent. He slept in my bed since it was easier than getting up often in the night. When he is ill he still gets to sleep in my bed, it makes him feel safe, but he also sleeps in his cot.

I think it doesn't matter how you raise your child, it's that you have a child who is loved, happy, confident, learned respect and grows up to be a fine adult

Sounds to me like you did (feeding on demand, co-sleeping and respecting him are all part of 'attachment' parenting which to my mind is good parenting).

[Phyto]

Attachment parent here - I have studied developmental psychology and it's a very normal way to raise a child and good both psychologically and cognitively for secure, normal development. We are mammals - children need nurturing, close contact and to be understood - babies cry when they are unhappy, hungry, tired, overstimulated etc and really do require close contact, holding, carrying in a sling, breastfeeding (breastmilk is normal - formula is pharmaceutical chemicals - we're just too lazy or uninformed to make the effort sadly and there are very few medical reasons not to breastfeed) with at least one primary caregiver.

I know lots of children raised in this way - they are confident as they get older, secure, and healthy. The idea that somehow you can spoil an infant is outdated and goes against cognitive studies on healthy, normal infant development. Baby experts who believe in letting infants cry it out and so on need re-educating (and banning from publication imho as it is psychologically harmful). To my mind attachment parenting is just normal parenting working within the understanding of what you need to do as a mammal and human to raise a healthy infant through childhood and adulthood. It is at odds with many of us who have been raised in a more Dominant modality of parenting (whereby the infant is seen as something that needs to learn to rules of suppression, punishment/reward). Many people parent by just believing they are doing their best, often modelled on what went before, but it would be so much better if we remained constant learners and open to ways that work with a deep understanding of human behaviour - a baby crying is communicating its need to be held, loved, nurtured, fed, changed and so on. It's not turning into a monster by being listened to.

There is The Mother magazine for parents and also Jean Liedloff's The Continuum Concept is a good book to start with.

Just want to clarify - I'm not saying there aren't reasons for not breastfeeding (and the original poster's reasons for balancing between bottle and breast make a lot of sense to me given the health issues) just in case (since typing is not always the best form of communication). Also having read through all the posts, the Continuum Concept highlighted a culture that had a close community of people taking care of the mother and the infant. The whole tribe looked out for the infants (and not saying that we all want to live in a rainforest on a subsistence basis either - our lives and cultures are a lot more complex). Our scattered communities are not very easy for parents these days - dads in the UK get about 1 week holiday and after that mum is on her own (and that's when there are 2 parents) so it's not easy. Maternity leave only takes you to about 6 months as well (12 months at a stretch with unpaid etc) so it's all stacked up on a society level but I think if more people got into the politics of parenting and saying to our politicians "It's not good enough," then more would be done to work towards helping parents to be primary caregivers (rather than nurseries - at least here in the UK) and that in turn would lessen stress on society.

[illion]

I found a lot of inspiration in this website when I became a mother: http://askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting

A mother is equipped with everything she needs to take care of her own child. No child is like, they are individuals that need different nurturing. If you listen to your heart you will know what your baby needs. Dr. Sears gave me all the arguments and research material I needed to be confident enough to soothe my son when he cried at night, and to carry him around most of the time. People criticized me, but I knew they all were wrong, so I couldn't care less.

A mother's intuition is never wrong.