I'm in a bit of a pickle. I'm well on my way growing and recovering from my past, in all aspects. But I'm having a very hard time now because of my luvvy who's in a similar state as I used to be. Depression and major life changes, everything hanging in the air.
He's had major surgery last year, unexpected and a horrid ordeal, leaving him permanently 'changed', a minor disability. He's out of work, staying in with his parents. He lives in the UK, wants to come to live with us in the Netherlands permanently, the official and financial aspect is a big obstacle. All this is too much to handle, missing being here close to me only adds to the burden.
He's had so many heavy fits of depression now, we've hardly been in touch since he left, end of September. I haven't heard since end of November. Unlike me, he is either superficially fine or completely on the dark side of the moon. (I know about my issues when I'm good and I know there is hope even when I'm feeling really bad.)
I understand his episodes of being on 'the dark side of the moon' and I believe it is something necessary to go through. External negativity triggers it, 'the last drop'. I believe it's his way of working things out in a subconscious state. Coming round a bit, he blurts out all that's been troubling him underneath and resolving a lot of it too. Apparently I am the only one he's comfortable talking to. He generally feels very happy being here. These surroundings do him good. Peace, rest, support, doing meaningful and appreciated little things, plenty of opportunity to talk about all that's on his mind and affection. But in order to get back here for another 'healing session' he needs to be well enough!
I'm constantly thinking of him, trying to help any which way. Not only because I want to but also because it is a natural 'flow'. We normally have a very strong connection, being ridiculously in touch when apart by texting, phone, IM. But also knowing when something is up with one another, sharing feelings without any external cause. Example: 'Stop thinking about me, I'm trying to concentrate on work here!' When we are together -in any way-, we are both so much more positive, being each others sunshine. I feel confident, strong and without doubt, he can blow away any worry on my mind with such ease. We're like kids on a seesaw, going higher and higher. He's just starting to understand what a strong person he really is, this awakening can also be a confusing and frightening phase. When he's on the dark side of the moon I'm not only not in touch through physical means but I often can't even FEEL him any more, like being out of reach. That is horrible. It's as if my feelings/thoughts/energy never arrive, go into the void and nothing comes back. It feels like a big bleeding wound.
I twigged that's what's draining and debilitating me. And I know that doesn't help anyone, I need to be well and also get things done here. Finishing my apprenticeship, graduating, getting a paid job, a stable basis for all of us, practical help with official stuff, giving him advice and options to find work here as well as continuing my spiritual journey, I had just started out on a reiki course.. I can do so much with his support, but when he's 'out' it's a lot worse than being on my own. I struggle to cover the basics.
It came to me that I need to close that wound. I understand that I can, but it is hard for me to do it. I think that would mean cutting him off. When he's in a kind of grey zone I can reach him and I think that is what helps pull him out. He sees me as friend, lover, teacher, healer, priest (for confessions) and puts so much faith and trust in me. I don't want to leave him alone at that point. I know my understanding is limited, but I believe there are some of you who know exactly what I mean and what is going on. Please give me some advice.
Another thing that came to me is: I am not alone. It is so hard on me because I am so close and vulnerable. I ask all who want, if they can, for help. A little guiding light for my love to find his way back out of the dark when it is time.
PS if you'd like to know any more details, please PM me
My delusions are the guardians of my sanity.