loss of faith, help!

[podgypixiejo]

Hi all,

Not sure whether this is the right place to post a post such as this, but here I am, so here goes! Hoping someone, somewhere has some advice, or just has had a similar experience!
I've been a largely solitary pagan of fairly druid leanings I guess, for about 15 years, but have found it particularly difficult since having children. I had expected that having kids would sort of affirm my faith, that it would make me feel even more connected to nature, but I've actually found the opposite. In fairness, both my children were very premature and very small; they were both in hospital for a long time and had a lot of medical intervention ranging from ventilators and operations to medicine and prescribed formula. All the things I had imagined parenting to be, breast feeding, sling wearing, cloth nappies, and stuff were unavailable and I've found it hard to reconcile all of that with my faith and general hippiness! and things have been sliding to the point where I no longer really feel connected to the earth, if that makes sense and doesn't sound too pretentious! I even find meditation difficult these days, and not just cos I have 2 kids under 4 charging about!
We do get out and about and observe the changing of the seasons, we have an allotment where they have their own bed to plant things in. We have a little altar we put bits and pieces like feathers and fallen leaves on too and we recycle and compost, I know they're a bit little (nearly 4 and 18months), but I want these things to be normal for them. Sorry I digress! I was hoping that by continuing to live fairly close to nature that things would sort of slot back into place in my head, and they still haven't
I've tried doing little rituals at the turn of the seasons and the full moons, but they still feel a bit staged and um...silly I guess?!
So I was wondering whether anyone here had had similar experiences? Or if anyone has any advice? I feel like I need to kickstart my 'pre-baby' brain back into action! THanks so much in advance, thanks for reading, Hope you all are well and enjoying Spring!
Jo xxx

[Lily]

hmm, can't relate on the "root cause", although that certainly is your best explanation. but I can say that I have fallen from a regular practice as well.

Maybe you are expecting too much of yourself and you simply do not have a steady enough schedule to practice regularly (forcing yourself to meditate daily for example, would be an option that would only be hard in the beginning).

Don't feel silly for doing only "small" rituals.
I'm afraid your pre-baby brain will never come back...

how about having an altar in your allotment and celebrating there every season - even in winter, maybe with candles in the snow?

Is there a group you could join - with or without the kids?

[Ghostrider]

I tend to agree with the poster above.
Don't expect too much of yourself and more important... don't expect your Spiritual life to be the same as BEFORE having children.

Children themselves are wonders of nature, connecting with them and 'their' World is as much a great task as connecting to the Earth. Oh.. and having kids changes EVERYTHING!
Concentrate on the kids first and the rest will come later. As your children will grow, they may also become more interested in your beliefs ( or not, which is also a challenge ) and you may be able to walk the Path together in one way or another.

What's most important, as it is with kids.. don't try to FORCE it. That will get you nowhere. Just go with the flow and you'll see the wonders around your own wee critters
Forget the 'pre-baby'-brain. It's gone, it will never come back. The 'with-babies'-brain is an UPGRADE
(P.s.... you will be asking the Gods for much MUCH more guidance once they get to puberty... )

[podgypixiejo]

Thanks LIly and Ghostrider!

As if to prove what you had said about expecting too much of myself, that in the time I took to write my reply in between dealing with the kids, kissing bumped knees and answering the phone etc, the site logged me out and lost it! hahaha!

Perhaps I shall try and get back to basics a bit more, like you say daily meditation, even if I do that while washing up it's still something eh? It's certainly a lot more difficult to fit all the stuff I used to do around kids and a hubby, so I should stop trying! I hadn't even really thought about it like that, I'd sort of expected I could just pick it up again, and because I don't have time to do the whole super long walk, or long meditation or whatever I'm not doing anything at all, but sulking about it a bit! heehee
Totally know what you mean about the wonders around kids, I love how my bigger girl can find something exciting enough to shout 'look, look mummy' just about anywhere and she can spot a ladybird from metres away! They are amazing critters indeed but puberty? eeeeekkkk! Just hope they're better than I was....

I hadn't really considered joining a group, I'll have a look and see what is about locally.

I *love* the idea that my brain has been upgraded to a 'with-babies' brain, that has totally made my day!

Certainly writing it all out somewhere public has been helpful in and of itself, so thank you for taking the time to read and write such thoughtful replies, I appreciate it! Thank you both!

Jo x

[Zylah]

I agree with Lily and Ghostrider. Part of life as a druid is recognizing that continuing spiral pattern: morning-noon-night, Growth-Harvest-Winter, Maiden-Mother-Crone. You've gone from one stage as a woman to the next; and you're right to look for similarity in your path from one phase to the next, but what I think it's important to realize is that although it will be similar, it will never be *the same*.

So I would suggest that the key may be to find the familiar within the differences; find how what is important to you fits where you are now. There are things that are essential to you as a person which you will never lose; but those things do change with you. You can bring them with you on the journey, but you're still in a different place. A wonderful place, as you already know. Good luck and blessings to you and your little ones.

[Lily]

Seconding Zylah here.
You have moved from maiden (open, receptive, virgin, enthusiastic (wait, that doesn't have to cease), dancing, ...) to mother. A whole lot of different responsibilities (can't share, don't have offspring). Nurture other qualities (nurturing is one, blowing scraped knees, enthusiasm for stuff your kids do, but also, don't forget to re-grow and nurture your own physical and spiritual, creative self and the relationship with the father of your kids if everything is going well in that direction). And see if you can't find the same "glow" in those activities that count NOW.

think you're done? Wait until the crone comes knocking on your door....

[podgypixiejo]

Thanks so much again for your kind and thoughtful replies!

I feel a bit more light at the end of the tunnel now that perhaps what I was/am perceiving as a lack of faith or a lull is just a different part of the spiral as you so beautifully put it Zylah! I've been so busy trying to recapture what I had before, when actually I've got these two fabulous little people here who are just discovering everything, it's hard *not* to feel the wonder of everything when you see it through a childs eyes eh? sometimes can't see the wood for the trees d'oh!
I did randomly stumble across a general faith board on a mummies site and there seemed to be quite a few mums there having similar issues as me, all from different backgrounds. While I take no pleasure in their pain, it's mighty nice to know I'm not alone!

So, onwards, all a bit different, all a bit odd, it's like starting out all over again! Exciting!

Thanks all, have some virtual carrot cake on me xxxx

[shirley mclaren]

The Druid path is like a river and you just go with the flow as life takes you. The way will open before you without effort on your part.

BB

Shirley

[MiriamSPia]

I cried my guts out for hours on end during the first few weeks after my son was born. I had been glad and accepting of getting pregnant the first time and was relatively lucky - bad news=I wasn't married/ good news/I was shacked up with a man who was glad he knocked me up and was willing to help throughout the whole process, so not too bad over all. Even so: from childless woman to mother was at least as freaky but harder to turn back from than getting married had been - I had married but was forced back to being single by my husband or by my inability to make up after the last problem we had. ...Now my kid by the next serious boyfriend [who spent 4 years as my legal husband] is 15 years old. He's as tall as his father and not very interested in any religion.

I managed to raise him Unitarian Universalist for his first 10 years - I grew up in that myself and didn't even have to quit when I started practicing some druidry. Still, compared to real total pagans or whatever I'm a Jesus Freak - but compared to really intense or closed Christians I'm a wild and wooly paganized Christian. Anyways, my junior is agnostic or atheistic - this fits in with the UUs just fine but its not me or my personal preference.

I have learned that some young children gravitate to some religions more so than others. It really seems to be partially 'built in'. I have been naturally inclined towards spirituality for as long as I remember and beyond whereas I've met other people who just really aren't. I mean they just really don't have a religious hair on their heads. Today, I did a web search and the results are that there are actually about 1 billion humans who are really nonreligious in nature. Even if 300 million are lying to themselves that still leaves 700 MILLION people who are not instinctively interested in this whole religion business. So, I am, but humbly - "That's just me."

Parenting is OK. It is like marriage or serious relationships in that a lot of men who used to want to date you now just look at you cross eyed.

Kids may or may not take after their parents about that.