Otherworld...Did I have a brush with it's darker side?

[Jake]

I totally agree with what's been said here about listening to one's bodily instincts and intuition. Not paying attention to those instincts, or even becoming deaf to them as so many of us are conditioned to do in our societies, is the cause of so much trouble for ourselves and other beings.

That said, I'd like to respectfully suggest that there may be some slight differences here in the area of sexual or romantic feelings for those of us in the alphabet soup community (LBGT, BLGTQ, GLB, LQTBG, MWHSWM, Whatever It's So Complicated and Silly ), especially for western men who are attracted to men.

I'm not sure anyone who hasn't experienced the closet can understand the degree of rigorous attention to detail involved in maintaining the too-often necessary illusion of heterosexuality. At a young age, with hormones raging, one has to be meticulously cautious about every glance, every word, every gesture, almost every movement of the body which would otherwise be entirely reflexive, unconscious, unexamined. Your survival may depend on it.

Let your eyes linger one fraction of a second too long on the "wrong" object and one runs the risk of painful consequences including physical violence. And again this is generally speaking even more true for men than it is for women as the latter are often allowed more opportunities for physical appraisal, touch or affection in western culture. Fortunately things are changing these days and none too soon!

But the psychological and physiological effects of the closet can be profound and lingering. For one whose only recently come out, the physical proximity of a person to whom one's attracted or the real or imagined proximity of sexual or romantic fulfillment can induce a panic reaction or even sometimes illness. It's like the "jitters" a heterosexual person might feel around the object of their attraction, only made immeasurably more complicated by the (sometimes) years of social and self conditioning that tell you everything you're doing, feeling and expressing is very wrong and/or extremely dangerous.

Anyway. All that to say that's why I agree with trusting your instinct but in certain situations that instinct may be a false one born of conditioning. It may take years for a young gay, lesbian or bi person to be able to sort out the difference. And that's an unfortunate and often overlooked consequence of coming of age in a homophobic society.

[MiriamSPia]

Jake,

I hope you are aware of the LBGT section of the forum. I think many at the forum are aware of having felt spiritually or magickally 'closeted' - while I do not mean to downplay your challenges of having cautiously emerged from the closet; its not the world's only closeted issue. Everything from polyamory to smoking to pot to actually wanting to have children or being a vegetarian can be "closet issues".

[ideagirl]

I'm not sure anyone who hasn't experienced the closet can understand the degree of rigorous attention to detail involved in maintaining the too-often necessary illusion of heterosexuality. At a young age, with hormones raging, one has to be meticulously cautious about every glance, every word, every gesture, almost every movement of the body which would otherwise be entirely reflexive, unconscious, unexamined. Your survival may depend on it.

That's an interesting perspective. It makes total sense now that you mention it. That said, it's not what's going on with the original poster because she is a she attracted to a he.

But the psychological and physiological effects of the closet can be profound and lingering. For one whose only recently come out, the physical proximity of a person to whom one's attracted or the real or imagined proximity of sexual or romantic fulfillment can induce a panic reaction or even sometimes illness....All that to say that's why I agree with trusting your instinct but in certain situations that instinct may be a false one born of conditioning.

I would say that the jitters induced in a gay person by their combined attraction to X person and fear of the social stigma/consequences/etc. is not instinct, because it's not coming from your body, it's coming from your mind (which has been conditioned by this culture to fear/reject its own gayness and to fear the possible social consequences of it). Because it comes from your mind rather than your body, I would call it a habit (i.e. a reflexive, quasi-automatic mental habit you learned from growing up in a family and/or society where it "wasn't okay" to be gay).

The point of using different words to describe instincts vs. habits is that it is important to learn to distinguish between them. Some habits can and should be changed--for example, you might still have that "jitters" habit you learned as a kid in Alabama even though it's now 30 years later and you live in San Francisco, where that habit doesn't serve you anymore--whereas your body's instinctual ability to recognize and avoid danger should certainly not be changed. If you can recognize that an unhelpful but habitual fear reaction is only a habit, then you can work on changing it... but first you've got to be able to distinguish your habits from your instincts, and the first step in distinguishing them is to call them by different names.

[Jake]

That's an interesting perspective. It makes total sense now that you mention it. That said, it's not what's going on with the original poster because she is a she attracted to a he.

Um no, Ainevar's a guy. Please double check his profile.

The point of using different words to describe instincts vs. habits is that it is important to learn to distinguish between them. Some habits can and should be changed--for example, you might still have that "jitters" habit you learned as a kid in Alabama even though it's now 30 years later and you live in San Francisco, where that habit doesn't serve you anymore--whereas your body's instinctual ability to recognize and avoid danger should certainly not be changed. If you can recognize that an unhelpful but habitual fear reaction is only a habit, then you can work on changing it... but first you've got to be able to distinguish your habits from your instincts, and the first step in distinguishing them is to call them by different names.

Well said and totally agree. I couldn't think of a better way to say it other than "false instinct" but "habit" is much better.

[Jake]

Jake,

I hope you are aware of the LBGT section of the forum.

Very much aware, thanks.

while I do not mean to downplay your challenges of having cautiously emerged from the closet;

Oh there was nothing cautious about my personal experience of coming out. I came out very loudly and proudly while still a teenager. I've actually quieted down a bit since then.

its not the world's only closeted issue. Everything from polyamory to smoking to pot to actually wanting to have children or being a vegetarian can be "closet issues".

Sure. And not to downplay those issues, but they're all personal lifestyle choices and not at all the same thing in my book. There are plenty of lesbigay as well as straight polyamorous pot-smoking vegetarians who want to have children. I am or have been a few of those things myself. Coming out of the closet about them wasn't nearly the same sort of issue. Not by a longshot.

[ideagirl]

Um no, Ainevar's a guy. Please double check his profile.

Ha! Oops.