custody battle

[Zylah]

Hi Everyone!

Some of you may have been following the saga I've shared off and on for the past three years here, of the trauma and tragedy induced by my ex-husband, a fundamentalist christian who has the view - which he has attempted to foist onto our three children also - that since I have rejected the True Way I am an already-dead person walking to the fires of hell where I will burn forever.

The most recent thing has been my cross-country move. I explained that in some detail on another thread, since I was pretty much hysterical for a while after I realized he had filed papers against me despite the fact that we had a verbal agreement about custody of the children. The law is that once papers are filed, the kids cannot leave the state they're in until the matter is resolved by a judge or a master. So my ex filed the papers, then canceled the court date and never filed for another one. The result is that although by our honor-system agreement (more fool me for giving him credit for integrity) the kids should have been here by June 15th, they still aren't. Despite the fact that I'm still legally the primary physical custodian, I can't see the kids out of the state their father lives in, which is now across the continent. I've gone six months without seeing them, and it has been one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life.

My lawyer found it surprisingly difficult to get another court date filed under the original motion my ex filed, and it dragged on for months. Finally, however, she did get a court date set for the 16th of this month. It is not before a judge, however, only before a master. The masters are kind of mediators who attempt to get the parents to agree outside a courtroom; if that fails, the master then schedules a hearing with a judge.

This is bad news for me, since if nothing gets worked out with the master (which is entirely likely given my ex's disposition), I will be flying back here to California without my children and then having to fly back East again at some unspecified date for yet another court date.

There are certain things not in my favor regarding custody; namely, that I am the only family member in California. All the kids' grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. are in PA, NJ, or CT on the east coast. They take that heavily into consideration when the parents can't agree.

There are other things in my favor, however, such as the fact that in PA the court system takes it very personally when they find someone working the system to hold children hostage from the other parent; which is what my ex has pretty much blatantly been doing. Also, he makes the kids fairly miserable, so they want to spend most of the year with me.

What I'd like to ask from all of you is that you keep me and my children in your thoughts and prayers as this weekend approaches and then the 16th comes. I will be flying out in a few days to pick up the kids and spend some much-needed time with them. Some problems with logistics have already arisen, and I have a lot of inner turmoil about the whole thing.

An unexpected development for me is that I have become extremely attached to the land here in California. It actually causes me anxiety to have to go back to PA; I'm glad I'll see my loved ones, and especially glad to have the hope of resolving the legalities and bringing my kids home with me. However, I'm really unhappy about being away from this land. I've never experienced an attachment to a place this deep before; it's strange for me, and adds another dimension to an already complex situation.

So please do keep us in mind and heart, if you would; I so appreciate all the support I can get.

[Susanne]

Zylah
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I had years of custody issues with my ex which still make my stomach clench when I think about it.
I'll be sending you all the positive thoughts & energy I can!
Take care of yourself & know that your west coast land will be there to nurture you when you get back.
Sue

[Ffenics Y Feudwy]

I'm sorry for you to be going through this. For any mother to have her children being taken away by a control freak ex is an extremely daunting thing to endure. I should know as I've been through it too.

Back in november 2008 I went through the same thing. I was in financial hardship, though I was working and my ex partner (whom I will call "J") had given up the gardening business we started up the previous year, I was paying too much tax - £1,300 more per annum than I was supposed to - I didn't know at the time but that was the reason we were struggling to make ends meet. He was disillusioned by Scotland not being able to provide the type of job he was looking for (other gardening jobs or garden centre jobs) and he wanted to move back to where he was born, about 50 miles west of London. I didn't want to because my youngest daughter ("K") who was three at the time wouldn't see her dad (whom I will call "S") and unlike my eldest's dad (who to this day only came up once to see my eldest daughter in 2003) "S" lavishes affection on "K". I'd already moved a few hundred miles away from "S" to be with "J" and I didn't think it was fair to keep moving away and expecting him to follow. At that time he lived a 45 minute drive away.

"J" kept insisting for about a year that I tell "S" we were thinking about moving back south. Something in my gut would make up an excuse not to do so and I'd normally tell "J" I forgot to tell "S". Anyway, In Nov 2008 J pressurised me so much I gave in and mentioned it to "S" via text message (our normal way of communicating) and I got asked "You're leaving "K" here?" where I replied "No she's coming with us. maybe in 5 months, maybe in five years, maybe in ten. But eventually “we” will move back south nearer family". Of course, I said this during his time with her on a weekend, and he never brought her back to me. He told me I wasn't going to get her back until I sign a legally binding document stating that she would not be removed from Scotland without his knowledge/consent. I should have called the police as I was her primary care giver. But I didn't want "K" to have to go through being removed from one parent and given to another. So I went through legal channels and every week that passed was a week that she'd settle into her Dad's home more. I was so scared she'd forget me.

After the new year, trying to sort out the custody, I was told she was "settled" into her new playgroup now and had lots of friends. He'd only gone and signed her up to a school, after knowing she was already registered to start in the same one that her sister goes to - and that was how it was decided that he got primary care of her and I only see her at weekends, plus the fact that things at my place were extremely unsettled and constant arguments were occuring over finances, not wanting to be here etc so I decided that for the time being that I would only see her at weekends, as I could work a longer shift and increase my hours without having "K" pine for me at home, as it was better than not seeing her at all.

So I signed the damned document. I did not see her between November 2008 and February 2009. I missed her 3rd Yule and it broke my heart. But when she arrived back, her gifts still in the same place but the tree removed and she had a belated Crimbo.

Three years on, I do admit I blame "J" for the whole thing. If he hadn't insisted I do such a thing, "S" wouldn't have reacted in such a panic and gone to such measures. "J" is now where he wants to be with his parents and I, though I too am missing family in Wales and have given up my job for health reasons, couldn't be happier. I'm with a new man, pregnant and I see "K" who is now 6, at the weekends. She's happy and healthy and I couldn't ask for anything more than that really.

I really understand what you're going through, truly. I know you want to stay where you are but ask yourself this - what is more important to you, seeing your children again regularly and coming to a compromise where you live, or seeing them very rarely as you are living somewhere far away because you love to be there? For you to be truly happy you must find a compromise somewhere. Don't think of it as an "I must win this" scenario, show that you are the more mature one of the parents, as if you do decide to live in the same state, I'm guessing there may be an even bigger chance of you getting them back. Judges like to see people coming to an agreement like this and sometimes will rule in your favour.

However, I'm not telling you what to do, just giving advice to you based on how I handled my situation. Things between me and K's dad have never been better - we even have even gone beyond mere pleasantries and become more friendly. Much more civil and no hostilities.

Do what ever you feel is right and fight for your children, just don't let selfishness get in the way like your ex has done!

Much Love and Prayers

Ffenics /|\

[Reyna]

Zylah-I'm so sorry your having to go through all this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, I can't imagine what your going through (I have such a hard time being apart from my kiddo for more than a few hours, I can't imagine what days or weeks would feel like). Hopefully it will be over soon and things worked out.

[Zylah]

Thanks, guys - I do appreciate your continued thoughts, prayers, energy, well-wishes.

My daughter wrote to me last night saying their father announced to them all that he plans to fight me to keep them because he believes it's best. (This is no surprise to me; he ALWAYS thinks he knows best, and couches his own desires in terms of 'God's Sovereign Will' in order to appear more righteous than anyone around him. It's one big reason the marriage failed, once I finally learnt to think for myself!) She told him she will fight that as hard as possible, and she went on to tell me that she hopes I have a really good fight ready, because she refuses to stay around her dad any more.

I know this sounds like typical teen melodrama, and *everyone* claims their child isn't dramatic, but really! My daughter is honestly not the typical 17-year old girl. She is very drama-free normally; I trust her to know her own mind and speak it honestly, without being unduly influenced by a momentary emotional storm.

Her stress upsets me even more than the boys' stress does, because of her Crohn's disease. Stress is not an original-causal factor, but it's definitely a contributor to flare-ups. She's had a lot of pain lately, as have I, only she doesn't have the options I do for remedying the pain.

I'm discouraged because this hearing is not really going to accomplish anything beyond proving what we already know: my ex and I will not agree on custody. They will then schedule yet ANOTHER hearing, for which I'll have to fly out AGAIN. Barring a miracle, I will still not be able to take my children home with me.

I'm mostly packed for my flight tomorrow, and more than ready for a nap. Bad night because of stress-exacerbated health issues; visited my fabulous chiropractor this morning, and he fixed me up beautifully - but he's got some serious griefs of his own to carry all of a sudden as well. So it's been a rather heavy-hearted two days.

[Susanne]

Zylah
Take a deep breath. It may not lead to the outcome you'd like to have right now but hang in there & keep those good thoughts in mind & who knows...maybe things will work out this time around. If not then they will in the near future.
I know how frustrating it is to deal with the slow grind of the court system (a hearing to decide on a hearing, bah!)
Your daughter sounds like a strong young woman. I have one of those myself & love her dearly. Sometimes they amaze you with their strength & wisdom. Just continue to be honest & straightforward with your kids & they will see & appreciate that.
I remember going into the court house for a custody hearing which I knew was going to be nasty. I drew a card from the Druid Animal Oracle (my first brush with OBOD many years ago) and pulled the Stag. I almost cried when I saw it. I brought the card to the courthouse & kept it with me throughout the day. It was an awesome help.
I don't know if you have anything like that to bring with you, stones, leaves, feathers...whatever. Just a talisman of strength to remind you of what you already hold inside.
Good luck, safe flight & keep us posted. I'll be thinking of you!
Sue

[Heddwen]

All good wishes and positive energy for you, Zylah

[Huathe]

Zylah,

Your daughter, at 17 should be able to make a legal decision on where/who she wants to live with. It probably depends on the state you reside in. Providing an ex cannot find you " legally unfit ".Teenagers often have a legal say in where they wanna live. Jaime, my sisters step-daughter moved in with her, leaving her mother at the age of 15. My 15 year old daughter currently lives with my ex but if she ever wanted to move in with me it would happen. But I let her stay where she is most comfortable. I see her often though.

Zylah, don't let your ex's behavior taint you on all Christians. I am a Christian and I do not act like your ex does. We are not all like that! I wish you and your children the best and you are in my prayers.

James

[Fox]

Zylah I've not been in your exact situation, but my Mom was a single mother, and I have been through the break up of a marriage, so know all the ambivalent feelings around child care. Fortunately I have been able to stay close to my kids and they have grown up pretty well and I'm now a grandfather of 2 gorgeous little girls.

Anyway, just to say you are in my thoughts and prayers, for what it's worth. Stay strong, sounds like you have your daughter on your side. The Bay Area in California is a magical place, i know it well, good choice for a place to settle.

[Muddy Fox]

Sorry to hear about your situation Zylah. I'm a single parent and have been for 6 years, I have four children, nearly all grown up now. My youngest was 10 years old when we left the marital home. My children were given the choice of whom they wanted to live with and although my marriage break up was not amicable at the beginning we have always tried to show a supportive and united front regarding their happiness and welfare. Sometimes that has meant my ex husband and I sitting next to each other at functions with gritted teeth and forced politeness but we seem to pull it off.
We are now on good terms and I see him as a good friend who knows me better than most. I think it's important to remember that children are not children for long and once they reach a certain stage of maturity they will quickly see the wood for the trees. Communication is the key, but then parenting has to be one of the hardest jobs in the world and we all stuff up.

[Zylah]

Again, thank you everyone.

Gods be praised, my trip was uneventful (though long), and although the Amazing Human Hemorrhoid told me I couldn't see the kids unless I asked him very nicely, and further claimed that since I had not even tried to come see the kids since I moved (to CALIFORNIA!!) I should just give them up. There is nothing on earth that I know of that could make me bow to his will one more time in this life, I spent 15 yrs doing it, so I told him where he could put that bunch of garbage.

And, the lawyers straightened it out! Apparently by some freak accident, the AHH (see above for proper title) managed to hire a lawyer who is actually a pretty cool guy. His lawyer straightened him out and told him he was way out of line, since I'm legally still their guardian. This lawyer also told him he should just make up his mind to let the kids go, since that's what they want, and the court will listen to that. He will have visitation, of course.

But yes, it appears that all will be well. Not out of the woods yet, but I feel much more hopeful than I have in a very long time.

Ent - I know there are fabulous people who are also Christians; I have many loved ones whom I respect, and they worship your god. I try to remember that, but I will admit honestly that my mind is broken when it comes to Christianity. I am not capable of rational thought when it comes to that religion, because of what a hell (some of) it(s followers) has made my life. I apologize for my brokenness, knowing I say bitter things not only about the ones who actually are evil, but about Christianity collectively (including that I don't like your god; it's true, but I recognize that my perception of him is probably in the broken part of my mind, so I try not to put much weight on it, like an injured limb); it will heal, but probably not entirely, not in this lifetime.

Please try to forgive my wounded nastiness when it comes snarling out of its cave; I know it has come out virulently on this board in the past. In fact, I should probably post this as a separate thread, to apologize also to any other Christian Druids here now that the course has helped me ackowledge my broken mind. And I will try to restrain it!

[Reyna]

Amazing Human Hemorrhoid....ROTFLMAO

I'm glad your trip went well

[Ffenics Y Feudwy]

I agree - AHH - awesome nickname!!!

I'm glad the legalities have been laid out before him, to prove he's being unreasonable. We'll keep sending our good vibes out til you're out of the other end of the tunnel, thats for sure.

Blessings

[Zylah]

Thanks for the morale-boosting! Sue, you're awesome.

I would like to request that you keep me and my kids in your thoughts and prayers over the next few weeks; things are hopefully coming to a culmination, although it is very likely to get even uglier than it's already been, very soon. I'm making another trip back East, and this time will not be leaving without my children. However long that takes.

Thanks again, everyone.

[Reyna]

*hugs*

Go gettem' Zylah! I'm so glad things are coming to an end, might be the worst part of the storm ahead but just past that is the sunshine. Stay strong!

[Susanne]

I'm making another trip back East, and this time will not be leaving without my children. However long that takes.

Rock on!!! Stick to what you know is right & all will be well. Tough times may be ahead but you've dealt with it before & you can now. This is another opportunity to show your kids what an awesome Mom you are! Call in all the gods, goddesses, ancestors, guides....& bring them to court with you. It's always good to have back up
You will be in my thoughts & prayers
Sue

[Zylah]

I am very pleased to report that my children and I are safe home in California, and the kids are settling in here beautifully. This is old news to several of you, who followed the whole ordeal on my Facebook page while it was going on! But here I can post a little more in depth than I can in a status update.

I left California with a one-way ticket to Pennsylvania, since as stated before, I did not intend to return without my children, however long it took. Six weeks, one major storm, and four court dates later we all boarded a plane to come home to California. It's a magnificent ending to a long, sad story, and I'm very grateful it's turned out as it has. I wish that my children never had to endure this, or anything like it, but I know it has made them stronger as well as me - and life here is painful; that's the way of it.

The OBOD course materials and my being a druid played a larger part in the whole thing than I expected, on several levels. The bardic grade has continued to be a deeply transformative experience for me; due to much of the learning and growth that has occurred in me, I was able to go into this war - because it was certainly a war - with a different approach; one that proved far more effective than anything I've done before.

For one thing, I found that I was able to anticipate and predict what my ex and his wife would do or say before they did it with amazing accuracy. Not because of any magical second sight or such like, but just because my perceptions have sharpened and my vision has cleared so much. In the past, I found my ex's insanity unfathomable to the point that everything he did took me completely off-guard; that was a huge disadvantage. This time, nothing he did really shocked me; I was often infuriated and astonished by his actions, but I was never blindsided, as has happened before.

The other major advantage the course has gifted me with is the knowledge that anger is not evil, and in fact it can be a valuable asset instead of an unpredictable source of emotional outbursts that accomplish nothing but embarrassment. I grew up all my life being taught that any display of temper or strong will would be treated as a demonic manifestation of rebellion that needed to be purged by beatings or other punishments. As a result, I always swallowed my anger until too much rage built up and exploded volcanically in a fit of completely uncontrolled fury. I almost never got that angry, but when I did it was a frightening thing that brought me to the razor edge of sanity. I still believed my temper was akin to a rabid dog that needed to be kept chained to a post in the basement, until I learned that on the contrary! Anger is an excellent tool when it is directed toward a productive solution to a real problem, rather than suppressed until it spews all over the place over something ridiculously minor. It's not evil; it's powerful - and anything powerful needs direction in order to be effective. So instead of asking myself how long I could bottle it up, and how I could release a little of the steam now and then, the question became 'how can I use this to effect a positive change?' And wow, what a difference.

In 15 years of marriage my ex never saw me become effectively enraged. He saw it when I arrived and announced that I would not be leaving without the children this time, and immediately it flustered him and his wife pretty badly. I let him know I was furious, but I never lost control; instead I accomplished things. I went to the post office and uncovered the fact that he had failed to meet his deadline for court, and I should win by default - that really disconcerted him, his wife, and his lawyer. He began to be afraid, and when he's afraid he does very stupid things. Unfortunately they were also things that hurt my children; but in the end, they are in a safe place.

In his fear, two days before the second court date he kicked my daughter out of his house for being too ill with her Crohn's disease to go to school. I went and picked her up, and I let him know very clearly how contemptible I found his actions - without any display of emotion or loss of control. In my fury I took her to see her specialist the next morning, and received an account from the nurse of his neglect that further enraged me. I got copies of these records to bring to court, to prove his unfitness. I walked up to him *in court*, looked him in the eye, and announced 'It may interest you to know that your daughter is in a major relapse of her disease, largely thanks to your neglect.' Dead silence. When he started to bluster, I turned and walked away.

To many of you this probably sounds like no more than what any reasonable person ought to do; but for me, this was a revelation of a new way to handle conflict. My anger was undiluted, but it was also controlled and therefore highly potent. It got things DONE, without my usual hesitation over whether I was doing the right thing. I let my anger act in the interest of protecting my children, and it was blisteringly effective.

He continued to do increasingly stupid things; the boys had to stay with him during the week because of school until the custody order was revised in my favor, but I had them on weekends. Due to my clarity of perception, I was able to prepare them for the next things that would happen, and brace myself as well.

The first two times I predicted accurately what my ex and his wife would do or say, I was as surprised as anyone when I turned out to be right. For instance, I rubbed my abdomen in discomfort once in their presence, and I remarked to my daughter later on that they would probably start spreading a rumor that I was pregnant, and try to use this imaginary pregnancy somehow to suggest that I should not have the kids with me. I was half joking when I said that, but the next evening, sure enough, they had started telling people I was pregnant and warning the boys that once I had this imaginary baby I would neglect them all, and THEN they would be sorry they'd come to live with me!

When I realized that I could actually foresee their reactions, it kept me a few steps ahead of them. I was never ambushed by some piece of craziness, which has been so often the case in the past.

Unfortunately, all this only made the crazy people crazier, and they took it out on the children while they could. My middle child was yelled at for hours on end in the middle of the night (on a school night) as they used every possible angle to convince him he was selfish and sinful for wanting to come with me. He actually suffered a dissociative episode as a result, which frightened me very much when he told me about it. My little son also was yelled at and called a 'selfish brat' for wanting to live with me, his mother. He was threatened with hellfire for 'following a witch', and so on ad nauseum.

This went on for six weeks, and every crazy thing he did added to the case against him. Finally we were interviewed at length by a court-appointed official, who submitted a rush report stating that the only way to restore peace to the children was to send them home with me at once. He gets visitation in the summers and at Christmas (so far; I am going to see if I can reduce that to supervised visitation, since I do not trust him with their safety after all this). The report went so far as to state on the record that the guardian's initial reservations about me were 1) that I was a Druid (she interviewed my ex first, who gave her a double earful of paranoid garbage about what Druids are and do) and 2) that I wanted to cyber-school the kids at their request; but after discussing both these things and more with me, and doing her own research with some guidance from me (I gave her the link to the OBOD website and some others), she realized that her 'reservations' were based entirely on her ignorance, and what she learned gave complete reassurance on both points. There was an implicit rebuke to my ex in that, though I doubt he understood it. The vindication I felt when I read that was very, very sweet indeed.

So now we are all safe at home, building our life here. My littlest son has wanted to make lemonade from home-grown lemons and mint ever since he learned we were moving to California, and today we have our first three ripe lemons - we harvested them together and are in the process of making his lemonade; he's totally thrilled. I have harvested so much in addition to the lemons (and the sweetness of his excitement over them); the trust of my children has been cemented, because they saw that I was willing to do anything I could to protect them, and I was actually able to effectively accomplish that without losing control of my temper - although I never hid that I was very angry.

I have even been able to feel a little sorry for my ex, because he has burnt all his bridges with our daughter, and has done significant damage to the boys as well. He is nothing to me now, but he will always be their father; and because he is important to them, I am doing what I can to heal the breach he made. My littlest almost bursts into tears when he has to call his father, even when I have him call to thank him for sending a gift he really likes. My son tells me he feels very uncomfortable even THINKING about talking to his dad, and he just doesn't want to. The older ones flat-out refuse to speak to him; with the occasional exception of my middle child. I respect their need to heal, so I don't force it on them; but I do gently remind them now and then that they WILL heal in time, and he will still be their father then. And in his sadly twisted, narcissistic way, he does love them.

So thank you very much once again, to all of you who have read this thread and provided moral support. It was quite an ordeal, and even now it is not completely over; but we are all safe, well, and happy - with lots of thriving growth.

[Susanne]

Zylah
I am so proud of you. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes & brought me back to my own similar battles. Stay strong & keep to the path you are on. Strong, sincere & loving support of your children.
My kids are now 20 & 23 and are both doing quite well although there have been some rough spots (when aren't there with kids!) I remember those phone calls with dad...ugh. One thing I did let them know was that if things got out of control they had every right to say that they didn't want to talk with him if he was going to say....fill in the blank....and that they could hang up with out feeling guilty. It was OK and it was within their power to do so.

It's funny but I was just thinking about you yesterday. I was reading about the East Coast Gathering and hoping you would be there & wondering how you are doing. Gotta love it!
Take care & hope to see you in September!
Sue

[Muddy Fox]

I'm glad things are looking better for you Zylah. Just reading that post has left me feeling emotionally exhausted, anger is sometimes a great motivator. However I really don't like that gut wrenching angry feeling that leaves you shaking and feeling sick, because it has no outlet. There's a lot to be said for a single life, peace, peace and more peace. It amazes me how people go through these bitter and angry divorces and then go into another relationship within a a couple of years of it, to me that is bravery. To risk going through all that heartache again.

[lavouivre]

GREAT for you Zylah! I kept applauding mentally to your strong control of anger. You must be so proud of yourself!
And I am so glad for you and your children that the custody was finally settled! May you all have some peace now, time to rest and heal and love.