by Simon Gwion » 07 Jan 2012, 21:39
I have personally been a sufferer of Bi-polar disorder for over twenty years now and within the unpredictable boundaries that this dis-ease throws up, I have been a follower of a Earth Based (and in more recent times, a Druid) Spiritual path for the majority of these. I would like to share with you if i may, the following entry from my blog which highlights the frequent issues and dilemmas which I face. It would be wonderful to connect with others in the hope of gleaning an insight into how they perhaps introduce coping mechanisms to allow them to follow their own paths as I have scoured the internet but have found very little literature...
Manic Depression is perplexing.
Winston Churchill called it his 'Black Dog', a metaphor suggestive of 'Man's (or Woman's) best friend', an overzealous, playful, loving companion, but unfortunately with a propensity to plunge in it's teeth when least expected. That may seem a little over-exaggerated but hopefully serves as a lucid description of what I myself have suffered for over twenty five years, (much of the time without accurate diagnoses). Moods are erratic, often in rapid cycles which fluctuate between feelings verging on euphoric at one end of the spectrum and a paralysis of despair at the other. So what is the hope of maintaining a Spiritual continuum within such unpredictable boundaries?
When my moods are high my whole being is in overdrive...mind racing, thoughts tripping one over another and words spilling from my mouth in an endless drawl. It inevitably becomes wearing very quickly and all though you would imagine surges in spiritual awareness and creative activity they tend to be fruitless. The positive intention is infinite yet crippling in any practical sense.
When my mood slips into the hopelessness realm then I wallow in self hate, self absorption, inactivity. I stare at my simple altar unable to even bring myself to light a candle and if I do, my ritual seems empty, my thoughts and words appear automatic and lacking commitment.
The following section was written whilst I was living in Shetland but typifies the inability to connect Spiritually with the deepest of natural beauty and Ancestral energy... when shackled in the throes of a long-term depressive episode...
"...I live in a beautiful place both immediate and overall, yet during these times I enter into periods of reclusion, my cats lack the usual pampering, the hens appear merely as greedy scavengers, I hate the weather when I should rejoice in it's diversity. Furthermore I live at the very edge of a 'voe' (inlet of the sea) and often watch otters, Canada geese, heron, wading birds and seals which lie for hours on a pier at the end of my garden. Surely Spirit has blessed me. However when the 'black dog' pervades the abundance of animal, plant and minerals, interaction with earth, water and air and the subtle changes in light count for little, and this saddens me knowing that I can so easily become numb to the richness that Mother Earth has placed within my sight..."
And yet I persevere, longing for days where my mood allows glimpses into oneness with Gaia,...
"And in the love of all Existences, the love of Spirit and all Creation"
Over the past few years things have improved but still have elements of unpredictability. I don't take my Earth centered spirituality for granted, I work with it when I can in the hope of understanding. Believe me I don't merely dip in and out when my mood takes me, (or not with conscious) intention, endeavoring to keep a consistent approach to Honouring, Celebration, Ritual and Earthly, Deity and Ancestral reverence. I involve myself in ecological and environmental issues, whether supporting international causes in the most effective way I can, or heading out with a bag to gather litter from my locality. And this is not done to gain brownie points to appease my Goddesses and God but to constantly re-affirm my commitment to my Spiritual beliefs despite the 'sticks' that my mind put into the spokes...!
And now I reside in an unspoiled rural domain once again and with relish I stride fervently down to my Grove to renew my inner and outward reverence for Deity, and the Divine. And yet within that sanctum, how often my words are rich with poetic inflection while my mind is rife with self-hate and loathing and my stomach knotted with the anguish of knowing my path, but consciously realizing that my mental frame has temporarily interrupted the connection to my Spiritual 'server' sometimes necessitating a complete shut down.
However it is not not an issue of struggling with 'darkness' as both 'light' and 'dark' are in my opinion an inherent part of 'Nature' and the nature of the 'Human Soul' and if embraced with equilibrium, will not thrive with any harmful consequence... for how can we measure light without a balance of dark... having lived in Shetland and experience both in the virtual perpetuation in 'day' and 'night' with almost only two distinct seasons, I can advocate the necessity of balance...
Yet the introduction of medication and the opportunity for a 'chemically controlled' equilibrium has not adequately provided me a long term solution. Yes, it narrows the emotional spectrum in which I function, but whilst elevating my mood from the depths of despair in which I may contemplate and question my very existence to the point of self-harm, (and believe me actual experience is not recommended...!) it also consumes the elevated moods which nurture my creativity... and a Bard without such is akin to a bike without wheels...
Each day I awake... and I search for an answer... as I have each day for over half my life so far... perhaps I should allow the tides to work unhindered for a period and see on which shore my boat will ground itself...
I thank you for taking time to read this and hope it offers an 'experiential' view of Druidry and mental health.
With love and Brightest Blessings
Si x