Articulating thoughts, feelings and beliefs?

[NovaStar]

As someone who has always been extremely logical and driven very much by my head; doing what I think is right, rather than what I feel is right, I'm finding that the transition to the reverse is incredibly challenging.

A long-term bone of contention with my partner, is the fact that I find it very hard to just open up and talk, particularly about things which pertain to my personal feelings, thoughts and beliefs.

Out of choice, I usually prefer to write these things down but that doesn't exactly make for a very open conversation and I'm trying to get out of my head more, which writing doesn't necessarily help with as I tend to over-analyse.

Does anyone else have similar issues and if so, how do you deal with them?

[AgDamhsa]

Hi Nova,

I hear where you're coming from. We don't always know how we're feeling and what it is that we're communicating.

Check out Non-violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. I'm reading 'Speak Peace in World of Conflict' just now. His other book 'Non-Violent Communictation: A Language of Life' is also good.

I, like you, usually find it easier to send letters to partners and friends. I have time to feel into where I'm at and what it is I want to communicate. I don't think there's anything wrong with this, but your partner (and mine) is right, we also need to learn to communicate where we're at in words and with presence. The essential teaching from Rosenberg is that all communication is an attempt to convey feelings and needs. Often though, we lack the vocabulary to get the message across.

PM me if you want to know more or would like to chat more.

Blessings on your journey,

Pól

[Kris Hughes]

I'm another one who would rather write it all down and slide it under the door. In my case it's because I tend to get outwardly emotional when I talk about my feelings, and others end up focusing on that rather than the content of what I'm trying to share. However, I am also a writer and pretty analytical. Here's what I've found, though. Very often, what I really need to say, boils down to a lot less than I think it does. I want to write in all sorts of "extras" like background material, side issues, either/or possibilities, etc. etc. The act of sifting through all of this and making a fairly simple statement has helped me gain a lot of clarity about what I think and also about what I feel!

My current partner has some challenges in the area of processing language. (He's always had them and the education system didn't help him with it - probably didn't even recognise it.) As a wordy person, I have found this pretty frustrating at times, but it has also taught me a lot about true communication and figuring out what is really important. It's also becoming clearer and clearer to me that much of what I think I need to say - I don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for sharing in relationships, however what I've noticed is that many of the things I find "difficult to share" are things that are not someone else's responsibility to deal with. It's my stuff. Stuff I either want to dump on somebody, or stuff I want to ask them to change, when it's me who needs to change. Of course, that could just be me!

Kris

[NovaStar]

I'm another one who would rather write it all down and slide it under the door. In my case it's because I tend to get outwardly emotional when I talk about my feelings, and others end up focusing on that rather than the content of what I'm trying to share. However, I am also a writer and pretty analytical. Here's what I've found, though. Very often, what I really need to say, boils down to a lot less than I think it does. I want to write in all sorts of "extras" like background material, side issues, either/or possibilities, etc. etc. The act of sifting through all of this and making a fairly simple statement has helped me gain a lot of clarity about what I think and also about what I feel!

My current partner has some challenges in the area of processing language. (He's always had them and the education system didn't help him with it - probably didn't even recognise it.) As a wordy person, I have found this pretty frustrating at times, but it has also taught me a lot about true communication and figuring out what is really important. It's also becoming clearer and clearer to me that much of what I think I need to say - I don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for sharing in relationships, however what I've noticed is that many of the things I find "difficult to share" are things that are not someone else's responsibility to deal with. It's my stuff. Stuff I either want to dump on somebody, or stuff I want to ask them to change, when it's me who needs to change. Of course, that could just be me!

Kris

We've been having discussions recently that have resulted in my partner getting increasingly frustrated that I'm very articulate at 'skirting around issues', rather than coming directly to the point of what I'm implying. He is a very direct person whereas I'm naturally much more verbose, but I do see his argument.

So when I'm figuring stuff out for myself, I'm like to write it down to get a better understanding of the whole issue, but when discussing with him I'm trying to actually say what I mean, instead of imply what I mean. (and I don't think that makes any sense whatsoever!)
I just find it hard because I'm not very good at saying what I mean/feel/believe etc, because I'm not used to putting it into words.

[Merlyn]

Hi Novastar,
Writing things down just to read later can be a good thing, if we read it we then see how our communication is coming across. Then after some reflection we can decide if it is good, bad or totally off base. Communication needs to be 50-50. If one is speaking 90% of the time and the other 10%, it is not a conversation. I call this "snowplowing" the conversation. Another sign is of the conversation begins to cycle, saying the same thing many different ways.

All of this is reasoning, and as much as our minds want to do so, our bodies know better. We often need to speak from our heart, gut or even not need to speak at all to communicate better. The mind-body relationship is a part of wisdom we need. How many times have we ignored our gut reaction, only to find out later that it was spot on. We often reason relationships into the ground, when it could have all been more real and respected as same.

None of us should blame ourselves for this, as we are hammered in education to use reason over feelings. How we are "wired" can also be part of this. I remember telling my father to just stop beating his point into my head. I told him he was going to push me away by doing so just as he did my sister and brother, and that I had never done so to him. It was a very emotional moment, and as logical and engineering a man as he was, I made it through to him. Later on he expressed his love, made time to do so, and became a man I respected and loved.

We often reason that because we are "right" others must see it our way. What we miss all to often is that it does not matter, they are not looking for a "solution", they are speaking from their heart and need someone to listen.

This then comes to belief, and what we believe deeply. It is then that we look in form the outside and ask ourselves if we actually believe or if we are doing so because we have been convinced by reason to do so because others have insisted "it is true". As people we often never have or take the time to really ask ourselves from the heart or gut, "do we believe", and why.

Why would we believe in something we never really gave ourselves a chance to truly explore and experience our self? Have we been fooled by a collective congregation and a preacher by them taking advantage of us? Making us feel by methods like song? and can we step aside long enough to actually seek Jesus, god, or any kind of spiritual path ON OUR OWN?

Jesus did..

We do have a lot to think about, and we have a lot to feel.
They are both as important.

In light,
Merlyn /|\

[Muddy Fox]

Good points Merlyn, and uncannily running alongside a private conversation I was having with someone else just yesterday.
A phrase that has always stuck with me in my spiritual meanderings is, "Jesus said follow me, not worship me." I like to think of Chrisitianity as the story of the Cosmic Christ and that the story is about the divinity in each one of us, rather than confined to one human being at a point in history. He was demonstrating universal truths and a noble way of living.
He went against the religious leaders and belief systems of his time, so as "followers" would that not suggest we should do the same, even if we are going against religious leaders and belief systems that have evolved from his apparent teachings?
Spirituality is not static, the spirit that I believe in, or the Christ consciousness is liberating not confining.

[Merlyn]

Hi Muddy Fox,
I find the message of Jesus and the religion; formed around him hundreds of years later, are in contrast in many ways. Seeking and speaking to this is most defined in the branches of thought surrounding his life, the times he lived in and the selected four stories of the bible. Even the bible contradicts itself, sees progression of thought and suggests reading between the lines.

Articulating feelings, understanding belief and trying to communicate it shows the limitations of the written word. The message of forgiveness and understanding the motivations of the time, the limitations imposed by rulers of the time to suggest and command that no one "common man" can forgive in the eyes of god, brings us to realize just how things were in the time. The reformation that Jesus brought and represents was and still is groundbreaking.

Many things come to mind, and how do we express our feelings? Ho do we show truth in our own goal to betterment?
Walking the walk will speak more than any words. And in expression are many ways.
To forgive is a far different thing from allowing abuse. In articulating thought, wisdom and ego must be set aside and our own feelings sometimes need to "vent". In this we humble ourselves to know we too need forgiveness.

This is only one small part of so much in Jesus and so many other spiritual ways. It is so crucial in our times not to allow delusion. If our god is real, so is the god of any other.
It is up to us to be open to the good in truth and know the difference between this and ego driven delusion.

How to express this constructively, gain trust and a mutual respect requires that we listen from the heart and speak from the heart. The reasoning of our minds is a feeble thing in comparison.

In light,
Merlyn

[GreenOak51]

Almost a year later ... what a wonderful thread! Like you, NovaStar, I am (was) far more at home with written communication. Like Kris, I am a writer and wow! did you get that right on with filling in the background and the descriptors -- I call it setting the scene.

One of the learning experiences that I've had coming from the person who expresses herself perfectly and understandably in the written form to the person who can speak clearly and concisely about my feelings - and keep on point with them - is my own recognition of emotion. Mine and others. I use to be more comfortable in written expression because then I wouldn't be interrupted. I wouldn't have to stop in the middle of expressing myself to accommodate the words and the emotions of others. I am still amazed at how little people 'listen' and 'hear' each other. Or choose to ignore the need. There's that too.

In the middle of a conversation where I am trying to share my feelings, I use to feel de-valued when someone sidetracked the conversation to themselves and kept it there. Suddenly I found myself in the giving and listening role rather than the one who needed to share at that moment. Not only did it feel as though I and my feelings weren't important, but I became resentful and closed.

I have learned how to focus on what I need to say because I understand that verbal communication, body language, the expression of eyes and mouth needs to be included in conversations. I have learned how to value myself. And in doing so have become better at being vulnerable (still working that one). I have learned how to say to people "this isn't about you, this is about me". It takes some by surprize that I've been that blunt but they soon learn how to be better listeners. I've observed them as they become more giving. And in seeing that, I have become more willing to talk.

I still find it sometimes easier to 'rehearse'. I talk to myself, my cats, my dog, my plants. About anything and everything. Because depending on the topic, it can be difficult to find the words without it being all emotion when you're face to face.

Thanks for the opportunity to express myself!

Peace,
T
/|\

[Merlyn]

Indeed GreenOak,
Well put. There are times I feel I need to talk, and not have my problems "solved" for me. No more than a few words and I get this feeling that I am being pushed aside with solutions and wonder if I am expressing my need to vent, rant, just speak my mind or express things as I work them out. And yes, it all too often becomes "Well I did that once and so on".

Then, I sit and after getting a few words in edgewise, end up listening for 30 or 40 minutes, mostly because I am a good listener, respectful of a person's need to express and form ideas. And often I need to say just what you mention "hey, this isn't about you". and sometimes I am better off talking to the cat or the dog.

In light,
Merlyn