I am a relatively new first-time mother, and I wanted to share with you a few thoughts, in regards to how this event, this Rite of Passage truly, gives me so much to work on as a druid.
The strength side:
- the strength of love and being loved: the bond between parents and child is so strong that I really feel I could lift mountains for my child. It feels as if my heart was beating louder and my consciousness and understanding of love had gone one level deeper.
- a new focus of energies: I can accomplish anything, but mostly, I need to plan and channel my energies in a new way with a new goal at the center of my actions. That means sharper decisions, and more decisive actions, after more careful and quick thinking.
- a new understanding of altruism: it is nice to help the homeless, but there is also a feeling of "feeling good about yourself because you are doing the right thing" going with it. Whereas with my child, I would be ready for ultimate sacrifices (like giving her my slice of chocolate cake, he) with the feeling that it is only right and normal, nothing heroic about it. In truth, I am even eager to be tested on that.
- a new definition of myself: i used to be shy and unassuming, not always standing up for myself because I would put myself in the other's shoes and trying to understand them - at the expense of my well-being sometimes. With my child, I know what I want, what I don't want, when to say no, when to insist, when to fight, when to withdraw. It is a powerful feeling!
There are probably many other ways I am being tested positively and strongly. However, I realize also that some weaknesses appear to balance out the good.
The weakness side:
- more questions than ever: I was already wondering about the future for myself, and for my family, my husband, my dog...now i have also to wonder about long term more than ever for my child. Will I be doing the right things? Will I be in the wrong? Will I be able to tackle this or that smoothly?
- a new fear of time and death: will I live long enough? what if something dreadful should happen to my child? Or to me while she is young? I need more protection! She needs more protection! When is too much protection bad? I want time to go slower so that I can indefinitly enjoy her in my arms. I don't want to be tested in some ways - I am sure you understand which ways - that I can't even name in this druidic thread...
- being hurt will come soon enough: my feelings will be hurt, my heart will bleed, my anxiety will transform into anguish at times, I will be broken, trampled on, discarded (NOT looking forward to teen years). I will doubt myself, be angry and sad. I feel weak because I feel exposed. "Making the decision to have a child--It's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." ~ Elizabeth Stone
Being a mother is paradoxal. It is feeling all-powerful and totally unsure of yourself at the same time. I have to work on my temper more than ever, I am discovering inner monsters and pitfalls. I feel like a mountain. A gigantic earthquake shook me and shaped my new life, and with the strong pyramidal structure of stones, I discover new heights with pure eternal snow at one end, and new abysses and chasms with risks of avalanches on the other spectrum.
I would like to know in what druidic ways you all felt challenged by motherhood/fatherhood.