Echoes Of Change (please feel free to comment)

[penyou]

Echoes Of Change


Echoes of change float on mountain breeze, it skips, it snaps and scurries with ease. Whistling tunes, and forming it's song, it does, lilt and reel and dance all along.


It rides it current, in lofty heights, it caresses it cajoles in great might. You drift away like a floating cloud, you feel the power, in and around.


Teasing, taunting drifting freely, it does pull and drag over rock earth and sea. It covers the land and envelops the sea, it gives breath to you, it gives breath to me.


There is not a place where it doesn't speak it leaves you feeling humbled and meek. It can howl and scream and whisper your name, echoes of change and not of the same.


The gifts of change it does animate all, from fluttering leaves to the mighty snow squall. Echoes of change let your spirit, fly free, limitless heights in wafty cloud sea.

By
Penny Young

[Sciethe]

Hi Penyou,
what a bewildering mass of material- a lot to take in in one go. Having had a think, I have a few things to say and suggest. Obviously you are a Bard to the soul, that is clear from the passion with which you write, an almost virile outpouring of sensation.

However. On the whole the work is descriptive of an outer layer of reality, it says too much about what is happening and does not allow the reader to form their own impressions. To hold a reader you need to let their imaginations wander through your world, and to do that you must hint or allude to the things you think you have in common with your intended audience, not tell in so much detail. Where you do write about inner states, it is clear what you mean, but again, the reader is not invited into your world.

My personal feeling is that it might be worth investigating the use of internal rhymes, and for instance an AB AB rhyme scheme rather than continual rhyming couplets (AA BB scheme),it makes poems seem less harsh.

I admire your spirit, I hope that these comments are of use.
Blessings,
Sciethe

[treegod]

On the whole the work is descriptive of an outer layer of reality, it says too much about what is happening and does not allow the reader to form their own impressions. To hold a reader you need to let their imaginations wander through your world, and to do that you must hint or allude to the things you think you have in common with your intended audience, not tell in so much detail. Where you do write about inner states, it is clear what you mean, but again, the reader is not invited into your world.

All of which would suggest to me that you should carry on with what you're doing, Penny (sorry if this confuses things).

For me poetry has always been about my own personal outpouring, and if anyone else enjoyed it and/or connected with it on an inner level then that was just a bonus, not something to aim for. Your style seems to facilitate your expression well (hence the prolific outpouring, lol), so keep it if it works for you. Experiment too, and see how others ways work, can't hurt.

I've got this on the mind recently (something I'll be sharing for the Nov seminar).

[Aphritha]

I liked the suspense it builds, dragging you along with it. You chose great words to keep up a rhythm through it.

[Sciethe]

And that's me told. Hunh. Seriously though, Treegod is right that you should do what's right for you, poetry is an individual thing. You display several things which many people can never achieve in a lifetime, a real poetic voice, a growling passion which comes through it and a clear vision of what you want to say. And Arapritha is enjoying the rhythms which I find a bit rough for my reading. We're all different. I still reckon that there are poetic techniques that you could employ to your advantage to widen your reading audience though. As Treegod says, no harm in trying a few new things out.
Blessings,
Sciethe