Not adjusting

[Aphritha]

A month ago, my family and I were attacked and chased from our home in a violent gang's attack. We had done nothing wrong, unless sitting on your front porch has become a crime...really, I believe they wanted to push everyone who isn't in their group out of the neighborhood. I hear they've been terrorizing the neighborhood since. Anyways, we were lucky enough to find a cute little white house across town to rent, leaving the old place within the night(the cops recommended it, telling us we'd likely be killed if we stayed).
Well, problem should be solved. But its not. Ever since the incident, I just haven't been myself. I can't snap out of it, and the whole saying of 'like attracts like' seems to be playing out. We spent our savings fund which was meant to last until next spring due to moving so fast, so there's financial worry. Not to mention my husband was 'punished' at work for calling in the day after the attack(you'd assume being beat with a shovel is a good reason to call in), as they cut out his overtime hours for it. More financial stress. We have a roommate that helps us none(doesn't pay, won't work) who has been acting increasingly entitled since the move which is frustrating me to no end. I don't even like going home for fear I'll have to listen to demands and complaints. Our house has no storage and I've been getting so frazzled trying to figure out how to arrange it...the smallest thing makes me feel terrible.
I've been trying not to grump off at other people, but it comes out now and again. I went back on the buspar I was so proud to get off of after years of panic attacks(hopefully, temporarily)to help control the anxiety. Its keeping me from being irritable(well, unless you deserved it) for the most part, but I still don't feel right. I'm having trouble getting dressed and taking care of myself, and I feel hungry all the time, yet I don't want to cook(which I loved to do). I feel like throwing up in the mornings. I had to take a break from the Gwersi during the move, and I want to pick it up again, but when I try, I get frustrated at my room(sacred space)in the new place, feeling its not good enough, and then not wanting to do anything at all. I want to work in the yard, but what can you do in late October in the midwest?
I start out with so many good intentions for the day, but end up sitting in dirty clothes doing crossword puzzles until my neck hurts by about 1pm. I force myself up by the time my husband is off work and son out of school, look nice, and go through the motions, but I'm not feeling it, and forcing it isn't working this time(act happy, and you'll be happy...) Does anybody have any advice on things I can do to adjust and cope with things?

[kukl]

Wow it sounds like you're having an awful time. Things change tho. In the meantime take comfort in your family and friends. Meditate to try and find peace of mind and to help you think clearly. Connect with nature. If things don't change you may have to consider moving again. Sorry, it's really easy to say these things as an outsider, but i do know how it feels to be trapped. Good luck.

[Selene]

Aphritha, I know I'm treading on shaky ground here, not being a medical professional and not trying to diagnose you, but what you're describing sounds a lot like post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It isn't just combat veterans who experience this dreadful affliction—victims of any kind of attack from childhood abuse by a parent, bullying by schoolmates, domestic violence from a spouse/SO, etc. can also develop PTSD. (This latter info I do feel confident about the accuracy of, having gotten it from a psychologist who is a PTSD specialist.)

If you can find a social worker or psychologist who has experience working with PTSD patients, it might be helpful to talk with him/her to see if you fall into that category. PTSD can be successfully treated, often without drugs (interestingly, part of some of the treatment regimens I've heard about involve meditation techniques not unlike those we practice in the OBOD coursework), and doesn't have to be a "forever" problem. Even if you can't find a specialist, it might be good to talk with a social worker or other mental health professional—I've found that talking to someone objective and away from the middle of the problem can really help.

Another thing that can help, whether or not you talk to a counselor, is exercise (or so says my social worker—not that I do much of it ). If you're able to do at least some aerobic exercise daily, it will help tremendously (he says). Even walking fairly briskly will do a lot of good. If the weather is too bad for walking, swimming at the local Y is a good alternative. But exercise gets endorphins (which are natural stress-fighters) going and that can encourage and assist your mind and body to heal.

I wish you all the best. You're in a tough situation and there's no easy fix for the feeling of your life being beyond your control, but I think you'll find the means to get through this.

Sending lots of positive thoughts and healing energies,
Selene

[Sciethe]

Hi Aphritha,
For what my opinion is worth I agree with Selene, talk to a professional, there's no shame in it, and likewise get extra exercise. It really is good for the head. One more thing to add though, as a husband myself I have been in a postition where my wife was going through something really bad but kept it to herself "for my sake". If you're hiding how you're feeling, or part of it, consider spilling the whole story to him. Husbands can be surprisingly good in a crisis.
An ocean of healing to you-
Sciethe

[Dathi]

Greetings Aphritha,

Just to echo what others have said. Walk, talk, and be open to support.

That is an intense "package" of things to have gone through. It is worth remembering this, "Abnormal reactions to abnormal events are NORMAL" and they usually take some time to pass through several stages of processing. Some people who have had similar experiences have found it helpful to find out about, and understand, how people may react to upsetting events. There are plenty of references and resources "out there". This one is typical and quite comprehensive. http://www.anxietyandstress.com/responsestotrauma.html

Blessings,

Dathi

[elementalheart]

I agree with the likelihood of post traumatic stress or, from a shamanic perspective, the loss of soul essence caused by trauma. It is as if you cannot be fully yourself in this state and feeling stuck and unable to move on with your life is typical but it can be resolved so don't lose heart.

Walking or any physical activity is good because it helps move the energy that is stuck in the physical form - having so much adrenaline in your body at a time of trauma you go to fight, flight or freeze mode and tho you've moved which indicates flight, you haven't physically run away so your body is actually in freeze like a rabbit caught in headlights. Physical movement will help - walk, run, hit a punchbag, work out at a gym, dance, jump up and down, run up steps, anything you can manage. Ideally get out to nature to get support from the elements, and if you feel fear being outside in a park but have no other space then use this to connect to the stuck fear energy, feel it starting to move and move with it - let yourself walk faster or go up a hill so you breathe harder to let it move more easily. If you can take someone with you to feel safer while you do this, great, brief them to keep up but not try and slow you down unless you signal them that you're reaching your limit for now and need brought down. If being outside and fearing loss of control/embarassment, then walk indoors in your new home, or anywhere you can get to that feels ok, until you have shifted enough to get outside and let nature soak up your flowing energy as you release it. When I have stuck fear or stress I walk circles and ask for connection to the trauma to release in every step. I walk sun/clockwise around my altar or around my house or my garden or a workshop space or a lawn or whatever I can find and if I have my drum with me then I use that to exert myself too so more energy can go through me and out. The circle helps build and focus the energy, but also makes a small space effective! Movement lets the adrenaline run through your system again and out, and it is ok to do it a bit at a time and know you're working through the trauma at your own pace.

As the energy shifts, space will be created inside you for healing to sink in and the essence return to you naturally - at that point it is slower pace, whatever healing works for you. A warm bath or shower, a massage, gentle music, anything that grounds you back in a body cleansed of the trauma energy and one that you choose to inhabit fully again.

Know you can do this, know it is ok to ask for support/help while you do it, and know you can do as little or as much as you feel able to - every little helps like releasing steam from a pressure cooker til it's safe to remove the lid completely. And know you are part of a universe ready to hold and support you back to fullest health. It's hard to open yourself when wounded, and your time of withdrawal is ok too, but your asking the question means you're ready to begin so walk your truth and you will find yourself again. There may be times when you feel overwhelmed again, but they will get shorter and further between and you will have your life back. Call to your soul's true nature to return and not go back to who you were but to take you to who you can be which will be stronger than ever

[Aphritha]

I suspected PTSD could be a possibility in this. I've considered seeking counseling again, but lack of finances has kept me from doing so. I know of a counselor who will see me for free, but I feel guilty in taking up an hour when she could be getting a paying client in there. She's gotta eat too! I'm glad exercise was mentioned...that's a good avenue I hadn't even thought about. I'm well familiar with the fight or flight response, as I used to have panic attacks when younger, triggered by an abusive relationship. My first instinct when the panic started setting in was to walk walk walk around around around the block(neighbors must have thought I was crazy). It does work well. I guess I just hadn't thought of it this time because the symptoms are so different than last.

When I have stuck fear or stress I walk circles and ask for connection to the trauma to release in every step. I walk sun/clockwise around my altar or around my house or my garden or a workshop space or a lawn or whatever I can find and if I have my drum with me then I use that to exert myself too so more energy can go through me and out. The circle helps build and focus the energy, but also makes a small space effective!

Do you think if I put this into practice in my new room it could improve the energy of it to make it seem more suitable of a sacred space for me?
Dathi, the article was quite helpful. Alot of it I seem to relate to...I think right now I'm most going through the disconnection. Dumb things upset me too much. For example, if I can't find the exact skirt I was looking for, I get angry and just don't want to get dressed at all. Or if I lose my pen, I certainly can't use a pencil...just these extreme responses to normal life that isn't typical for me. I'm glad it mentioned music being intolerable. I've been worrying about that...everytime my husband picks up the guitar or turns on the radio I want to jump out the window. I consider myself a musical person and this reaction to it has me feeling strange. I'm relieved to see this often fades.
Also, something it brought up I'm having trouble with...reminders of the situation. Anytime I see a man fitting the physical description of our attackers wearing red(the gang's colors), my heart drops and I start to sweat. I don't like my response to this. I'm a person who hates appearance profiling, and now that's exactly what I'm doing. I frustrate my husband because I won't visit certain stores because I may have seen an individual looking as such in the parking lot at some point, and my roommate rolls his eyes and tells me I'm seeing them everywhere. I wish this would go away!
I'm trying my best to let it out so I can heal! Which is yes, why I came here. Seemed like a safe place to talk. Its been hard to find the appropriate people to talk to about it. My husband is a great guy, but he handled it so much different than I. In typical Leo fashion, he was angry and sullen for a week, blew his cool and had his first panic attack and had to go to the hospital, they put him on an inappropriate medication that made him a zombie, and then he decided he was done with it and was gonna be himself again, and he was. Good as new! Us Libras are so much slower with things...I've been trying to distract myself with his humor rather than douse him with my negativity, being as he's not so good with it. I've got one friend out of state that will always listen and let me rant when I call, but for the most part, I think people are sick of listening to me gripe and don't understand why I'm not loving my new situation(the house really is cute).
I appreciate everyone taking the time to read and respond. Looks like I'm gonna be out walking circles today! Literally!

[Selene]

Aphritha, have you done a house blessing for your new place? Maybe that would help re-boot your outlook and plant some seeds of love for the house. Also, it never hurts to cleanse a place of whatever energies a previous occupant may have left behind. If you haven't already done so, try giving it a good smudging with white sage and some appropriate words of intent.

[gord]

My prayers are with you Aphritha. The only real advice I can give is keep your spiritual practices going. Even if you don't feel like it. There can be healing in that.

Try some color breathing too when you feel low energy and can't get going. A lighter shade of red is good for mental energy and a darker red is good for physical energy.

Grace and peace to you!

[Heddwen]

To add to the above comments....you know what, they say that time is a great healer and they are right. I suffered from anxiety after a trauma a couple of years ago . It took four months to get over the continual feelings of anxiety with mindfulness classes, exercise and a lot of R and R. Its two years on and I still feel occasional anxiousness at times. I sometimes complain about it to my long suffering husband too and he really doesn't mind. In fact he's glad that I can talk about it to him.I wish you the very best with this and hope that you can find resolve soon.

[Aphritha]

Gord, you're right...the spiritual may help, even if I can only start small for now. I hadn't thought of color breathing...it was something I used to practice awhile back but I stopped because I was raising too much energy! It may be useful in this case. As for the home blessing, perhaps Monday would be a good day for this. Gives me time to prepare mentally, and I associate homes with moon/Monday, so it falls together.
I did mention a bit to my husband I'm not feeling so much better. He took the time to build me a fire in the yard...at least the yard is getting the homey feel to it!

[Kima]

I don't like my response to this. I'm a person who hates appearance profiling, and now that's exactly what I'm doing.

Don't worry, this has nothing to do with ethics or ideology and is only a temporary reaction to the violence you were subjected to. Do not let guilt become a factor. You already have a lot to deal with.

[Aphritha]

...you know what, they say that time is a great healer and they are right.

I'm counting on this to eventually alleviate the fear of certain people...why is it when you want time to speed it slows, and when you want it to linger, its gone so soon?
I was so embarressed last night... I walked into a gas station and I saw a man walk into the glass box the cashier stands in and the cashier open the cash register. I froze in the door and stared at them, thinking the guy was robbing the place. Everyone was staring at me, and my husband asked me what I was doing. The guy that had gotten into the box worked there too... I played it off by saying I had thrown my back out earlier and winced in pretend pain, continuing to stretch throughout the store.

[DaRC]

sounds like you've been having a tough time. I can't add much, there's good advice up above tho'.

For me I've always had my bike and lots of trails to get into nature and help sort my head out. Just recently, on my cycle commute home, I had some local lowlife come at me with a bottle because his girlfriend had almost killed me with her car, scared herself and then gone home and blamed me. So he came out for revenge - managed to face him off without violence thankfully.
It left me stressed for a couple of days and worrying about what action to take - fortunately where I live means that via the police or friends it is at least in the sphere of my control.
Understanding what is in your control and what is not in your control is one area to help get some balance and focus. Try not to worry endlessly about the things out of your control
However, I'm probably best with practical things...
Your yard - now is a very important time to plant bulbs and basically prepare for the spring. So if you can even plant a few pots up with some nice spring colour it helps mentally as you have something to look forward to - the first shoots at Imbolc, then the forming flowers etc.... I also find just working the earth very therapeutic.
Lists - breakdown things to lists. I (particularly on the days when the black dog stalks me) have to force myself e.g. I will clean the kitchen today rather than giving up because the house is a mess. So breaking it down into bitesize chunks.
If you can find a nice walk in nature preferable one with trees.

http://www.thegardenhelper.com/calendar/october.html

[Heddwen]

Thanks for the useful link DaRC. Gardening is very therapeutic so I find, there's so much satisfaction in watching the things that you have grown from seed or bulb become mature plants in the spring and summer. I hope that you are feeling a little better Apritha

[Aphritha]

Yes, that is a great link...thank you! I had read somewhere also about throwing down seed for edible greens in winter and it being ready by spring but I wasn't sure if that would work in my area. Might be worth a try. As for the bulbs, I do have a place for flowers I set aside with rocks. Wouldn't mind some tulips.
That's a scary thing to have happen, Darc. I'm glad you were able to deescalate it without anyone being hurt. People can be such unpredictable animals!

[cypresseyes]

After all of these good posts I find that I have no additional advice to add. I will however be sending energetic blessings your way. I also want to say thank you for the trust you have extended to us all by sharing so openly. Many blessings coming your way.

[ShadowCat]

The advise above it great and I've got but a small idea to ad to it:

If their is a therapist willing to help you for free, ask her in which non-financial way you can compensate her, now or in the future: she talks to you for an hour, and you use your talents to give her something in return. Energy spent compensates energy received, and exchanging money is just a standardised way of doing that: we spent energy on our jobs earning money and spent the money gaining items and services created by other people's energy. It's certainly not the most effective way of exchanging energy, nor is it the most fun way. So be candid, talk to her about you feeling uncomfortable getting something for free and offer compensation. Don't forget that a great big, sincere "thank you", is sometimes a great gift as a lot of people take therapist/service workers for granted: "Why should I thank them, I paid for it, didn't I..."

[ShadowCat]

On the seeding/planting thing:
It's getting wintry here too, yet last sunday I spent the afternoon on a local organic farm handseeding wintergrains in a whimsical but ritual setting. Planting seeds for the winter, it seems to go against the grain, but it's the best way of preserving the power of the soil till spring. That's an idea to work with, don't you think. I took a few cups of those seeds with me to sow at my own grounds, but I would like to share them with you, but I don't know if mailing seeds/grains is allowed into (I presume) the States. Don't want to get you in trouble in any way. Maybe if you check out a local organic farmer or organic seeds-trader, they can provide you with some.

[Aphritha]

If their is a therapist willing to help you for free, ask her in which non-financial way you can compensate her, now or in the future: she talks to you for an hour, and you use your talents to give her something in return.

It made me smile when I read this, and reminded me of something of our previous sessions. Whenever I'd come in, throughout the sessions, she'd end up asking astrological questions. Example: I'd complain about a Cancerian friend, and she'd ask the dates for that sign, and then realize that was what a relative of hers was, and then question and ask how it would get along in other situations with other people, and what to do with it when...it was by no means total compensation for a visit, but I think she valued the information I passed on(and admitted paying attention to other client's signs as time went on).

On the seeding/planting thing:
It's getting wintry here too, yet last sunday I spent the afternoon on a local organic farm handseeding wintergrains in a whimsical but ritual setting. Planting seeds for the winter, it seems to go against the grain, but it's the best way of preserving the power of the soil till spring. That's an idea to work with, don't you think. I took a few cups of those seeds with me to sow at my own grounds, but I would like to share them with you, but I don't know if mailing seeds/grains is allowed into (I presume) the States. Don't want to get you in trouble in any way. Maybe if you check out a local organic farmer or organic seeds-trader, they can provide you with some.

I admit I know very little of wintergrains! I noticed barley and wheat sow times in my almanac, but I wouldn't know the first thing about growing them. Not that I wouldn't be willing to try. Before this year I hadn't had a garden since I was 7(which I liked to think I cared for, but I think my dad did more work than I). I also recently read something about throwing down greens seeds in the late fall, and them sprouting in early spring.