Lady, thank you for sharing that.
I can't imagine what 12 years like this is, since I'm only ill for two and feel like going screaming mad at times.
This morning I worked with the druidcraft deck (which I had already before starting OBOD, since it's such a lovely deck) to get some insights. I don't work with fixed spreads most of the time, but I interact with the deck, asking insights and questions and reacting to what comes up in the cards. Often the cards I drop while shuffling are the right ones (but that on a sidenote).
Since I feel so physically weak the last weeks, I first asked whether the source should be searched in mental, physical, emotional or soul levels. Up came the princess of cups. To me she speaks of a time of neccessary retreat, of looking within, meditating, but not dwelling on the past. This is where I am now, tired, broken, but still very much alive. To confirm whether I had understood it right, I took a second card: six of cups. It confirms the link to past experiences. I am what I am because of my past, but to get stuck on it, is not productive. Blaming my past will get me nowhere, feeling sorry for myself, will get me nowhere. So both of them speak of using the quit time in the right way, not fretting on what was or could have been, but merely aknowledging it and letting go, turning the focus back on me, my desires, my wishes for selffulfilment. Because I'm at this point of doubting whether I need physical rest or I should be training, I took a last card, prince of wands: action, get on the horse (but be cautious for overly courageous acts), but a clear statement that physical excercise coupled with mental and emotional rest and reset are the key for me.
I share this, because maybe it might be helpful for others too. Lady, you are very honest in that respect, although the psychical complaints are very real, our mind holds the key. When you say
"I know what it is that I need to do, I just don't do it"
you are speaking the words that I am to cowardly to admit. Thank you. Wishing you the power to turn that insight into action, the financial respite to get things in order and the light in your babes eye to lighten your every day for the rest of your life.