PUB CRAWL!

[Crow]

Meanwhile in Texas, Crow looked around and realized that not quite everyone had made the trip, but still, there were a fair number clustered on the mountaintop. It was a sorry bunch:

One old, drunk and limping crow.
A youthful lad with blond hair and weird eyes.
A woman wearing the remains of a Carmen Miranda-style turban with a few odd pieces of overripe fruit still inside.
A girl named Jenn, who was inexplicably carrying a fire extinguisher.
One bearishly angry doctor who’d been deprived of his medical kit.
A leafy-looking character who kept bending down to pick up parts of himself and stuff them back into place.
A fluttering young squab who said her name was Night Hawk.
A man called EarthWard, who looked disconcertingly like Bilbo Baggins.
Merlyn, who was still holding Piper Oak’s bagpipes.
And last but not least, Tinne, who was holding what appeared to be the horned skull of a mountain goat.

“God help us,” muttered Crow as he fell into step behind the others, who were following Donagh MacBran, who had the only compass.

But unknown to Donagh, the mountains of West Texas are filled with iron ore, and Donagh’s compass was completely useless. After hours of walking, Merlyn shouted, “Hey, I’ve seen that outcropping of stone before, I’m sure of it. We’re walking in circles! Let me see that compass, Donagh.”

Everyone gathered around as Donagh handed the device to Merlyn.

“Look at it,” Merlyn said, and everyone watched as the needle swung back and forth uselessly.”

“Now what do we do?” said Tinne? “We could wander around in this wilderness for years!”

“Yeah, 40 years maybe,” said SkyBear.

“I’m hungry,” said Jenn, openly staring at the mango that was half-falling from Lady MoonChaser’s turban.

Crow looked at his cell phone, saw that there was no signal, and threw it to the ground. “This is all Beith’s fault,” he thought to himself. “If that twiggy redhead didn’t have such a thirst for booze, she’d have seen that manhole and then maybe none of this would have happened. And where the devil is she now? Probably awake and having a party while I shoulder the whole load here. Well I’ll get her; she’ll pay. Just wait till she sees the story I write.”

LadyMoonchaser, who was clutching her last mango and running in circles to get away from Jenn, suddenly stopped and pointed. “Hey, over there, I see smoke!” Everyone quickly looked where she was pointing, and sure enough, a column of smoke was rising, though it was miles away.

“Night Hawk,” said Merlyn, “fly down there and see what you can see, then come back and tell us.”

Night Hawk, always eager to help, fluttered away excitedly, and everyone watched until she disappeared in the distance. Soon, she came streaking back with a report.

“Well, I saw it, but I don't understand it. I can’t make much sense of things,” she squeaked. “It looks like a bunch of people and they’re all gathered around this horny thing.”

“Horny thing?” said LadyMoonChaser, wondering if someone she knew might be in this desolate place.

“Okay folks,” said Donagh, taking charge once again. “There’s nothing for it but to go down there and see what it is. Remember, we’re after a green crystal, and maybe some of those people or the ‘horny thing’ might have seen it. All we can do is ask.”

With grumbling and cries of pain from sore feet, everyone got up and started marching, but this time, with the line of smoke acting as a beacon in the distance, they walked in a straight line.

After an hour of pure hell, during which EarthWard managed to snatch the mango from both shrieking female combatants and eat it for himself, the group arrived on a low hill, from which they could easily see the scene that Night Hawk had tried to describe. But the little bird had indeed done a good job, as they all saw now, because it was exactly as she had said. Hundreds of people, most of them wearing cowboy hats, were surrounding a horned creature that had a slight golden hue, and they appeared to be worshipping it, though EarthWard noticed that there was a small group of people near the back who were tending a barbecue pit.

“What is it, what’s going on?” whispered Falling Leaves to no one in particular. Merlyn, straining to see said, “It looks like a golden calf, and now it looks like they’re done gazing at it, and it appears they’re getting ready to cook it up. If they’re friendly, at least our food problem could be solved. All we can do is go down there and see what they know, and at the very least, maybe we can get a meal. I’m starved.”

Everyone agreed with that sentiment, and several stomachs grumbled noisily. Everyone got ready to head downhill to whatever fate awaited them.

“Wait a minute!” hissed EarthWard, whose eyes had been strengthened slightly by the mango. “Wait a minute … that’s not a golden calf. IT’S KERNOS, AND THEY’RE GOING TO COOK HIM!”

Crow, desperately wondering what a meal of fresh Kernos might taste like, saw his chance for food disappearing, because the others, their hunger forgotten, had just one thing in mind: Rescue their leader. He saw Jenn heft her fire extinguisher. Night Hawk was sharpening her beak. EarthWard, SkyBear, Falling Leaves, Merlyn, Lady MoonChaser, Tinne and Donagh were picking up stones.

There were hundreds of hungry Texans down there, and just nine famished pagans to oppose them. Crow didn’t plan to participate in any fight. He was the working press, it was his job to record the carnage, not take part in it.

This would be interesting.

Crow again silently cursed Beith, took up his pad and prepared to write.

With bagpipes playing, the others started downhill …

[Stormcloud]

Stormcloud, late as usual, arrived in the nick of time, and hovering over the barbeque, released a torrent of rain, until all that remained was a pile of smouldering embers, and some very soggy, very angry looking texans...

While Jenn made sure the ashes in the pit were fully extinguished with her fire extinguisher, Stormcloud unleashed bolts of lightening at the heels of the rabble of texans until they ran for cover, and the team of rescuers ran to help Kernos up.

[LadyMoonChaser]

As soon as Stormcloud had dutifully completed the downpour & Jenn started looking for something else to munch on, a rather large steamy hot tub appeared out of nowhere & soaking innocently were Alferian, Azrienoch, Selene, Nomad, & Kaya-Nita, sipping on some lovely drinks with little umbrellas sticking out of them, which some had used to cover their heads from the few raindrops left from Stormcloud.

“WELL! Glad you all decided you could join us after all!!!” huffed Kernos!

“OH!! How did we get here!?” exclaimed Kaya! Alferian checked the edge of the hot tub for his wand & noticed it was laying behind Kaya-Nita!

Getting a strange burst of energy, seemingly right after hearing about the great horny one,,
“Ok! People, all in favor of jumping in the hot tub.....” Kernos cut her off with a mere glance.

“We can’t just go trekking up this Mount Guadalupe without a good plan & at least a couple of burros to carry all of our supplies.,” commanded Kernos,
who was trying mightily hard not pay attention to Lady MC trying to keep from falling on her face as she struggled to keep the remaining hidden pineapples & coconuts from falling out of her head wrap,

“well, at least I’m prepared with fresh fruits,” glaring at Tinne hard enough to make his fruits shrivel, for even daring to compete with her for the Chiquita Banana commercial!

.Azrienoch tried to stifle a chuckle, while drying off, as he poked Tinne in the side, whispering “I told ya to go for the Fruit of Loom job, but nooo, you had to have the red lace fan & the frilly skirt! Ha ha“

As if falling from the sky, Sky Bear appeared and said “I know a good used burro rental place not far from here , & if we give them a few Crow feathers, they’ll probably even throw in a few cold beers, or... warm, if you’re English, he he,”

“Well, that’s fine and dandy for you beer drinkers,” drawled Selene, still lazing in the steaming hot tub, with her kitties laying behind her using them as a pillow, “but I like Fresca & my kitties need dolphin safe tuna!”

“Not to worry pretty lady, they have all sorts of convenience foods, we just need something else to barter with.....actually, they are very fond of crow’s feet.....” Replied a slightly wrinkled but dried off Nomad.

As the group of crusaders all simultaneously spun around, clockwise of course, to stare at Crow who’s beak had been buried in his notepad, and was suddenly very aware of a strong feeling that he was being watched......

Quite startled when he looked up at the millions of faces, well it seemed like a million after all the booze, and being the good smut journalist that he was, he immediately distracted them by pointing at the remaining Burning Bush & started yelling to Jenn, “Quick! Use the fire extinguisher to put out the flames on that Burning Bush!”, which made her day again, & she had no qualms about it whatsoever.

. PHFFFFFSSSTTTTTTTT, but instead of the white foam shooting out, it was Silly String!!!

Jenn started jumping with delight, EVERYBODY loves to play with Silly String, and she danced around the Bush squirting the whole canister of Silly String all over it. Everyone thought it was jolly good fun & started grabbing it & throwing it on each other, giggling & ducking,
until Kernos stepped in & smacked a few on the backs of their heads,
“Enough playing!! Put that damn fire out!”
Fortunately, it was enough to smother the flames on the good ol’ Bush, & to everyone’s amazement, all that was left was a charred rib bone, with a bit of BBQ sauce bubbling on the side!

“Damnation! I knew that thing was just a big ball of hot gas!” Exclaimed Alferian, throwing in his usual bit of wisdom, everyone nodded & agreed, after all, Alferian was one of the white robes & he would never lie to them & he did have a gorgeous wand, well actually, he had several stashed in the lining of his robes which he happily flashed open in case anyone was in the market.(which ALWAYS thrashed Azrienoch’s wheat, cause HIS were getting just as good, but he didn’t have the white robe yet to carry them around everywhere he went! Tinne, however, always had a good chortle when he saw Az’s shiny dome turn scarlet o’hara red!...Tinne’s fav colour..)

“NOW THEN! We have a great task at hand, or claw whatever is appropriate to you, ahem, we are all gathered here to get the Green Crystal off of this mountain to save our good friend Beith, who more than likely is still dull eyed & bushy tailed, waiting for her awakening back at the Duck, and we need some Moderation here in order to get on with our Crusade!” said Merlyn with great seriousness, as he sat on one of his newly air brush painted motorcycles, that he felt looked rather stunning with Awen symbols & peace signs with lots of glitter effects, he knew the glitter drove the faery maidens wild, oh, and his wife too!

“Righto, old chap! Jolly well then, let’s have a go at it!” cawed Crow in his best English gent imitation.....

There seemed to be a bit of a fuss going on at the other end of the group & once again, the whole group turned simultaneously, clockwise, except for Tinne who always wanted to be different & was trying to turn counter clockwise until Azrienoch snatched him in the correct direction.

“Oh come on, EarthWard!” pouted Lady MC, stamping her dainty new hooves that she had acquired from a sweet white robed fellow who said he was just passing through to another story, “it’ll be fun, and you ALWAYS bring good luck where ever you show up, & we are going to need all the good luck we can get if we are going to find the Green Crystal for Beith to get better! And SEE”, pointing at her perfectly enameled red hooves with little silvery moons on the sides, “I won’t hold anyone back because I can climb like a Cappy goat with these!” At the same time, little Acorn jumped up & down on her shoulder, almost getting knocked down by a loose banana. “Yes, darling,” she cooed to her little one, “it’s almost drinky poo time, let me finish trying to convince EarthWard”. She fluttered her long black eyelashes behind her red lace fan at EarthWard....”I’ll do the “Celebration” dance with you if you come....” He was trying hard to ignore her because he had so many other things to take care of......but he really did love that song & dance!

Once again, it was Merlyn who had to snap everyone back to attention by revving up the engine on his bike,

“Alright! Enough mumbo jumbo, who’s going & who’s not?!!”

The first one to step up & raise his arm was the brave Donagh McBran, of the golden hair & strange eyes, “Aye! At your service! I’m in, all the way!”

Everyone else seemed to shrink away, looking down at their feet, wondering why they had grown so much hair on them!

[Crow]

Crow finished writing a paragraph that he knew his readers would never believe, one about a fully loaded hot tub and a motorcycle suddenly appearing out of nowhere. He looked up.

Everyone was getting ready to leave. Supplies were a critical problem now, and Crow wondered about this burro-rental store that SkyBear said was located somewhere around here. He hadn’t missed the threatening talk and looks that had been directed his way, but he wasn’t too worried. After all, he was the working press, and he had the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution to hide behind.

Crow walked over (he hardly ever flew anymore), jumped onto the back of Merlyn’s motorcycle, and they were off. Night Hawk scouted ahead while the others either rode or trudged over the rugged West Texas terrain, with Stormcloud soaring overhead.

After about an hour, Night Hawk came streaking back. “There’s a shack about 20 minutes ahead, just around that hill,” she said, pointing a wing back over her shoulder. “There are corrals full of burros, and I saw Coca-Cola machines and some shelves with potato chips, doughnuts, Moon Pies, that sort of thing.”

That put a skip in everyone’s step, for Druids have a particular affinity for Moon Pies.

Before long – about 20 minutes in fact – they arrived at their destination, a tumbledown shack with a sign out front that read, “Billy Joe Bob’s Burro Rental and Junk Food Depot.”

Nomad was busy talking with the proprietor, whose nametag said “Billy Joe Bob.”

“Look, we’ve got a lot of people here who need food, and we’d like to rent a couple of burros, but we haven’t got any money,” he said. “Would you take a couple of crow’s feet and all the feathers off of him?” he asked, jerking his thumb back over his shoulder in Crow’s direction.”

“Well now, pardner,” Billy Joe Bob replied, “you’re right that there was a time when crow’s feet was all the rage in these parts. But there’s no market for ‘em anymore, and besides, that crow there looks like he’s about all used up.

“But I’ll tell ye what I’ll do fer ye,” Billy Joe Bob continued in his soft drawl. “I seen that feller’s motorcycle out there, and if yer goin’ in that direction,” he said, extending a skinny arm to the west, “then that Harley ain’t gonna make it anyhow. Nope, burros are the only thing for that terrain, and since business has been powerful slow since the mine closed last year, I’ll sell you my entire inventory if you just give me that Harley. Man, I gotta get outta here. There’s just gotta be a better story someplace else.”

Everyone was pleased with that arrangement, except for Merlyn, but he was outvoted.

The group waved goodbye to Billy Joe Bob, who roared out of this story on the Harley, perhaps in search of Piper Oak, while the friends loaded boxes of Moon Pies, Little Debbies, potato chips, Fritos, Coca-Cola, beef jerky and a jar of deli pickles, swimming in brine, onto the backs of the five patient jackasses, which they now owned.

“Gods, but it’s hot!” exclaimed Alferian, removing his robe and wishing he was back home in Minnesota. Azrienoch echoed that sentiment, grabbing Alferian’s robe and tying it around his head, looking not unlike Peter O’Toole in “Lawrence of Arabia.”

They weren’t sure where they were going, but Kernos somehow sensed that they should walk to the northwest, toward Guadalupe Peak.

It was within an hour of sunset when Night Hawk, who again had been scouting ahead, came fluttering back, alighting on top of the pickle jar. “Up ahead,” she squeaked, “there’s a tall, white thing. I don’t know what it is, but it seems unnatural here, and maybe we ought to investigate.”

Those members of the group who had been contemplating making camp and having a dinner of Moon Pies and Little Debbies groaned, but inwardly they knew that if this adventure was ever going to end, they’d have to keep trudging along, for they needed to find the elusive green crystal.

By now they were all silently cursing Beith, who had started this whole misadventure and then left them. While they marched through a hot and rugged West Texas landscape … while they smelled of sweat, dust and hot donkey … while they clutched at bellies swollen with too much warm Coca-Cola and stale potato chips … she was belching, drooling and sleeping soundly on the cool floor back at the Duck. Oh sure, maybe she was half tree, half Irish redhead, but whose fault really was that? How in God’s name did they all get into this, and more importantly, how would they get out? All they could do was pray that Night Hawk had found the key.

So it was with considerable grumbling that they now strained up the next hill, following Night Hawk, who fluttered excitedly ahead.

Soon they saw the object that Night Hawk had discovered. It was a white column, about 5-feet-tall, standing in the middle of nowhere.

“What the ‘ell is it?” asked Tinne, voicing the question for all of them.

Crow watched and scribbled in his notebook while the others walked around and around the column, silently studying it. Azrienoch tapped it with a wand, with no effect.

Running her finger down the side of the column, Jenn, then popped her finger in her mouth. “Hmm, it tastes salty,” she observed. The others then did the same and there were nods and exclamations that the column did indeed taste salty … very salty.

It was Selene’s cat that found the answer.

The feline had jumped off her mistress’s shoulder and was now licking the base of the column, apparently enjoying the taste. Selene bent over to pick up the animal, and in the faltering light she saw something that had been uncovered by the hungry cat’s tongue.

“Hey everybody, there’s some sort of plaque down here,” Selene cried.

“What’s it say?” they all shouted, but no one could make it out until EarthWard remembered that he had his old cigarette lighter in his pocket. Whipping it out, the Bilbo-like EarthWard struck a light and held it so Selene could read.

In a shaking voice Selene said, “It says: ‘Here stands Lot’s Wife.’”

“Sodom and Gomorrah!” shouted Lady MoonChaser.

“In Texas?” shrilled Donagh MacBrann with incredulity. There was a great commotion of shouted questions and exclamations. Crow was writing furiously.

As usual, it was Selene who finally made sense of things, because while everyone else was shouting and contributing to the turmoil, she had opened her laptop, which fortunately was equipped with the very latest in wireless technology.

“EVERYBODY SHUT UP!” Selene screeched, and, surprisingly, everybody did.

You could hear a pin drop when Selene finally spoke again.

“It says right here at www .oldtestamentbiblemysteries.com that there are certain events recorded in the Old Testament that seem to transcend the laws of space and time. So it’s entirely possible that you could have Lot’s Wife standing here in Texas, with the ruins of Sodom and Gomorrah also around here someplace.

“And it’s also possible,” she continued, “that if we could find what's left of those cities, then there may be a time portal there, through which we could travel to other famous dens of iniquity all over the universe.”

“Like the Foggy Duck!” shouted Alferian.

Crow just shook his head, not believing any of this.

Just then, SkyBear, who was particularly tired and out of sorts, leaned against the salty pillar. It began to totter, then fell over with a shattering crash. Fortunately for the cat, it was perched back on Selene’s shoulder and had avoided being crushed.

Then, in the flickering light of EarthWard’s disposable Bic, they saw something glinting, something that had been concealed inside Lot’s Wife, but now shone brightly amid the crumbling blocks of salt.

“Holy Deuteronomy, Alferian,” shouted Azrienoch. “It’s a green crystal!”

Tears formed in Crow’s beady eyes as he contemplated where all this was headed next …

[Crow]

Editor’s note: To the few loyal followers of this story, The Pagan Press regrets to inform you that its reporter, Crow, has been temporarily reassigned. We have received reports that a vast stone circle has appeared in the plains to the east of Denver, Colorado, and Crow is flying north to report on it. As soon as he’s finished filing that report, we will again send him south, to Texas, where he will continue reporting on the strange occurrences there. Before taking wing for Colorado, Crow sent his notes to us through the use of Selene’s laptop, which, fortunately, is equipped with the latest in wireless technology. The following is a brief account of those notes:

* Kernos, the leader of the group, has pocketed the green crystal for safe-keeping.

* The group is scrambling about the hillside in search of the ruins of Sodom and Gomorrah, but the Lord our God has left precious little for them to find. Still, the search goes on, and there is little doubt the ruins will eventually be found.

* Since none of the group knows what a time portal looks like, Selene is conducting research on her laptop, and has found an interesting web link at www. hiddentimeportals.com. She (at least) has no doubt that if the ruins of the cities can be found, then she will be able to detect the portal.

We have sent a reporting intern to the Foggy Duck Pub, and she reports that Beith is still snoring, drooling and belching on the floor. The Pub staff and clientele are attending to her needs. She has a funnel in her mouth, through which is poured a fresh Guinness every hour on the hour, and her taproot, still clad in stiletto-heeled ballet slippers, has been placed in a tub of well-manured soil. So you can see that she is being well-tended at both ends as it were, and there is no cause for undue alarm about her condition.
– eds.

[Crow]

Crow dipped his wing and entered a slow spiral, gradually losing altitude as he caught sight of the party of pagans on the rocky slopes below. The whole trip to Colorado had been a pointless exercise, as the stone circle his editors had been so excited about turned out to be nothing more than the diggings for a new sewage-treatment plant. Editors – devils spawn – he hated them all.

Glancing at Stormcloud as he descended past her, he noticed that the cloud looked upset. “Now what the hell has given her the vapors?” he wondered.

Picking out his landing spot, Crow slowed his descent, finally plopping onto the ground within a foot of Lot’s Wife’s shattered remains.

“Blimey, he’s back,” said Tinne.

“When it rains, it pours,” answered Alferian, with a hasty glance upward at Stormcloud. “Which, come to think of it, WOULDN’T BE A BAD IDEA!” he yelled hopefully at the anvil-shaped entity. “Gods but it’s hot.”

Their welcome might have been even more hostile, but Crow saw that everyone was just sitting around, too exhausted to even move. He saw the empty boxes of Moon Pies and Little Debbies. Even the pickle jar contained nothing more than empty cellophane jerky wrappers. Someone had even drunk the pickle brine.

Just when Crow started thinking that it had been many years since he’d had to write obituaries, Kernos rallied the troops.

“Okay everybody, c’mon. Let’s do it for Beith.”

Everyone just looked up at him, a few shaking their heads and muttering.

“Okay everybody, c’mon. Let’s save ourselves,” said Kernos.

This time, with considerable groaning, the adventurers struggled to their feet.

It was Kaya-Nita who saved the day. “What’s this?” she said aloud as she hunted through her oversized purse for the last Fig Newton she was sure she had left there.

“What’s what?” asked Azrienoch, hastily wiping crumbs from his chin.

“This!” said Kaya-Nita, now clutching a Holy Bible placed by the Gideons. “How did this get in my purse?” she asked. “I must have picked it up by mistake when Man Horse and I were staying in the Motel 6 last week,” she said, answering her own question. “I had been reading ‘The Quest for Merlin’ the night before, and when I was packing up the next morning, I must have picked this up by mistake.”

“Give me that!” cried Selene. “It may have a clue.”

Now everyone sat back down while Selene, whose laptop had run out of battery power, paged through the Gideon Bible.

“Here’s what it says,” said Selene, reading aloud:

“As soon as it was dawn, the angels urged Lot to go, saying, ‘Be quick, take your wife and your two daughters who are here, or you will be swept away when the city is punished.’ When he lingered, they took him by the hand, with his wife and daughters, and, because the Lord had spared him, led him on until he was outside the city. When they had brought them out, they said, ‘Flee for your lives; do not look back and do not stop anywhere in the Plain. Flee to the hills or you will be swept away. …

“Then the Lord rained down fire and brimstone from the skies on Sodom and Gomorrah. He overthrew those cities and destroyed all the Plain, with everyone living there and everything growing in the ground. But Lot’s wife, behind him, looked back, and she turned into a pillar of salt.”

Ending her recitation, Selene snapped the book closed with authority.

“That’s it! If Lot’s wife was here, and the Bible says that they were ordered to flee into the hills and away from the plain, then the remains of the cities must be … there!” she said, pointing at a flat area less than a quarter mile away.

Crow scribbled in his notebook as the group and their jackasses walked, slid, brayed, fell and cursed down the slope toward the small plain.

Now that they were finally searching in the right area, it was not long before the next clue was found. Lady MoonChaser, scouring the ground for signs of a lost civilization, picked up a small stone ring with a small flap of some rusting metal attached.

“Let me see that,” said Alferian, who had some knowledge of archeology. Everyone clustered around. “This, my dears,” said the Druid, “is a ring-pull from an ancient beer can! We’re in the right place!”

Knowing now what they were looking for, everyone was finding the little stone rings. There were thousands of them littering the ground.

“Man, must have been a great party while it lasted,” said Lady MoonChaser, her mouth watering.

Selene, her research on www. hiddentimeportals.com still fresh in her mind, was scouting about for something other than ring-pulls.

But this time it was not Selene, but Jenn who saved the day.

The hungry girl was sneaking up behind Lady MoonChaser, her eyes greedily on the last blackened banana still in her turban, when suddenly she tripped over a rock and dropped her fire extinguisher, which, being a Type ABC, erupted in a cloud of monoammonium phosphate, a yellow powder that leaves a sticky residue.

Everyone gawked at what was now outlined before them. It appeared to be a giant grandfather clock, complete with a glass door and swinging pendulum.

“That’s it!” shouted Selene. “It’s just like it’s described on the website. Someone eventually would have heard it ticking, but this will make it easier. What we have to do now is open the door and walk inside, being careful to dodge the pendulum. If we touch the pendulum and it stops, the thing won’t work anymore.”

“But how do we tell it where we want to go?” asked SkyBear.

“My laptop ran out of juice before I read that part,” said Selene, glaring at Crow, who had used the computer to email some notes to his office.

“Okay everybody, inside and then maybe we’ll figure something out,” said Kernos.

With no further adieu, Azrienoch slapped their asses, trusting the animals would run away and find some other story. Who knew, maybe Piper Oak, wherever he’d wound up, had need of one.

One after the other, the adventurers timed their leap between swings of the pendulum, and jumped inside the time portal, which had a capacious interior.

Crow watched as Night Hawk waved goodbye to Stormcloud, who said she wished to travel back by more conventional means, and then fluttered inside. Crow then shrugged his shoulder feathers and walked inside.

It was dark and ticking inside, but EarthWard had struck a light on his Bic, and everyone huddled around it.

“What do we do now?” asked SkyBear, repeating his earlier question.

“I don’t know,” said Alferian. “I was hoping there might be a sign that said Foggy Duck ...”

And as soon as the word “Duck” was out of his mouth, there was a brilliant flash of light and everyone found themselves cursing, thrashing and clawing each other on the floor of the Foggy Duck Pub, right next to the still-drooling Beith.

“There she is, sleeping like a baby!” said Tinne, repeatedly smacking his fist into his palm.

“Quick, Kernos, give me the crystal,” said Alferian, pulling a wand out of his pocket. Receiving the crystal, he cracked open the wand like a shotgun and slipped the crystal into its hidden chamber with a satisfying click.

“Okay, SkyBear, for the gods sake, let’s please get this over with so we can go on to other stories.”

Everyone, especially Crow, agreed with that sentiment, and SkyBear wandered over, hammer clutched tightly in his clawed hand.

Alferian held the wand in his fist with the sharp point over Beith’s heart. SkyBear swung the hammer with all his strength, and then expertly slowed the hammer’s speed like a baseball player taking a check swing at a ball in the dirt. The hammer struck the butt of the wand with a light tap.

There was an explosion of green light, and when everyone’s eyes had readjusted, Beith was back to her comely self, awake and blinking, though oddly with a funnel in her mouth.

Beith staggered to her feet, looked around, spit out the funnel and said in a lovely Irish accent, “Uno mas cerveza, por favor.”

Everyone just looked at each other. Some, including Crow, burst into tears.

The old reporter stalked out of the pub, wiping his eyes with the back of a feather.

No, he told himself, he hadn’t heard that. Someone else, by god, would have to write that story. It was late and it was raining hard. Stormcloud had found her way back.

Alone again, Crow walked home through the driving rain.

For you, Selene: -30-

[Selene]

Bravo, Crow! You definitely have the bardic gift of storytelling!

S

[EarthWard]

Bravo!!! A very enjoyable read. Can't wait to buy it in hard cover.

[Crow]

I hasten to add my own thanks to my co-authors, without whose help this report would not have been possible.

In no particular order, thank you Beith, Donagh MacBrann, Kaya-Nita, Lady MoonChaser, Stormcloud, Piper Oak, Jenn and Azrienoch. If I've left anyone out, my apologies, but you may understand my unwillingness to scan back through the whole thing now.

Also I must thank those people whose characters I used without permission. That I have done so only illustrates my warm feelings for you, and I thank you for not sending me any nasty PMs or court orders.

I know I will miss some names here, but off the top of my head, thanks go to Selene, EarthWard, Falling Leaves, Night Hawk, Merlyn, Alferian, SkyBear, Nomad, Kernos and Tinne. You're good sports, all of you.

Finally, I must thank President George W. Bush for not sending Secret Service agents to my door.

Billy Joe Bob is a character entirely out of my own imagination, and any similarities between him and people either living or dead is entirely coincidental.

Blessings on you all

[LadyMoonChaser]

Crow! Cudos

You have done a superb job keeping your deadline, I plan on writing a letter to your editor recommending a promotion for your creatiivity & diligence & for knowing how to crawl through a crowded pub!!!

Blessings & Love!

LMC
(<<Little Acorn liked it to!)

[Jenn]

That was FUN!!!! Thanks everyone!!!!

oh....and...uh.....

PPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!! *you all gust got silly stringed again. *

and one last touch...*taking out wand pointing it at Bieths stiletto slippers....zings them in to Ruby slippers* There's no place like home!

Jenn

[Stormcloud]

That was fun, can't wait to the next story!

[Kaya-Nita]

Crow i truly enjoyed reading this it has been fun when i could get over here, and any time Dearest you need me, feel free to put me to work. i'm sure everybody is thirsty now after that and it's on me.

Alferian sorry for changing you into a cartoon person, goes to show i should never mess with wands

Azrienoch Thanks for fixing Alferian's face for me.

[Azrienoch]

No problem.

[Donagh MacBran]

Hi All,

I was unable to read the forum for a few days and it seens that Crow finished the story. Way to go Is it ok, that I copy the whole story and keep it om my PC?

thanks

[LadyMoonChaser]

Well Donagh we did miss your input, and I don't know if Crow hasn't already gotten a copyright on it already , & if he has he better figure on splitting profits from the movie with a whole bunch of folks in here!! :lol: :lol:

Blessings!
LMC

[Crow]

It's yours, free of charge, pal.

In fact I'll pay you to take it off my hands!

Glad you enjoyed it.

[Donagh MacBran]

It's yours, free of charge, pal.

In fact I'll pay you to take it off my hands!

Glad you enjoyed it.

That is okay, the paymant is that we write the next one together (all of us) . In another Pub-Crawl. Just wait until I start a new one.

[Crow]

Yes, I enjoyed it.

I'm ready to participate in any new one, and I hope more people will join in next time around.

[LadyMoonChaser]

Donagh, Yes!!

Please start a new one whenever you're ready!

Have you read any of the previous ones? They are pretty funny too!! :lol:

Have you been to the Foggy Duck yet? If not you should check it out so you get to know some of the unusual characters that pop up occassionally, they are pretty hysterical!!

Blessings & Inspiration

A little something to get you going from my little friend, Corny

LMC