Pub Crawl: A nice, safe place ...

[Crow]

Editor's Note: These stories that appear from time to time in The Pub are just a bit of silliness that has been a tradition at The Druid’s Head and at The Foggy Duck for many years. In this story you'll see names of people you may recognize. Just because you don't see your name here doesn't mean that you can't participate. Please write yourself in if you'd like, and in that way we may get to know you. The only "rule," if there is one, is that we try to pick up the story from where the previous poster left it, and to include at least some of those elements in whatever comes next. Storytelling is a bardic pursuit, and although it’s hard to imagine Taliesin telling stories quite like these, it is entirely possible that by your participation, you could be immortalized in The Attic.

* * *

Crow fluttered out of the Pagan Press offices and blinked at the blinding sun. He felt another headache coming on. The headaches had been his companion after being clouted by Mrs. Crow’s rolling pin, and although they were coming less frequently now, he could still count on at least one a day.

He had amnesia, too, and although he could remember details of his everyday life, more recent events were still in a fog. He had his notes, but notes were written as an aid to the memory, and if you had no memory at all, the notes were pretty much useless. He’d just been at his desk puzzling over them: “Golden whirlpool with giant sucking sound … Alps … Portobello and sole … Shoes in a huge bonfire … Beith bit Craig’s thumb off … howling with rage … Night Hawk drumming under the waxing moon.”

On the sidewalk outside his office, Crow thought again of his headache and sighed. Beer would help, he thought, and so he flew past his favorite sandwich shop, Bard’s Big Bites, turned left at the corner, flew three blocks, took a right turn and landed outside The Foggy Duck Pub. There was a sign tacked to the door.

CLOSED!
By order of the Health Office

List of violations:

Meat from unknown animals found in the refrigerator
Meat kept at unsafe temperatures
Human and animal hair found in cider vats
Mold in the ice machine
Dryad wings in the peanut bowls
Slime in the beer barrels
Toilet facilities unsafe
Rottweiler feces in the kitchen

Pub to remain closed until re-inspection in two weeks.

Damned big government, thought Crow. Who were they to say what makes a good pub? Well, there was nothing for it but to find a different haunt for a couple of weeks. He knew of another place, though he’d never been inside. The Druid’s Head, it was called, and it was one of those new places that operate under an official government license. How antiseptic, how safe, he thought with a smile. Maybe it was just the thing he needed, because surely no strange adventures would get started there, right under the noses of government bartenders, all dressed in their clean white shirts and freshly ironed black slacks.

Crow flew quickly to The Druid's Head and landed outside. Well, he thought, surely he wouldn’t be the only one drinking in a new place. He opened the door and stepped inside …

[Underground River]

When he opened the door, he smelled floor wax, coffee, and freshly washed clothes. "What a squeaky clean place", he thought.
He saw a table in a corner and flew over to it. A lady sitting at the table heard his flapping wings and asked nervously, "What's that funny sound?"
Crow smiled to himself and said, "Just my wings, nothing to fear. Who are you?"
"I am Green Druid," the lady said. "I can't see anything, so your wings alarmed me. I remember you now. You're the nice person who always compliments people's writing. Sit down and have a coffee with me. This place is nice, because when people get really drunk, they get tossed outside to sober up. I don't drink alcohol so I am probably not the most fun druid."

[Ruthie]

Green Druid flinched as a cold droplet struck her hand. "Hmmm, maybe it's not as good as they advertise," she thought to herself. Unsure of what this liquid was on her hand, she brushed it away with her clean linen napkin, and them motioned as to dab her lips so she could smell if it was something unpleasant.
"Nope, just water," she mumbled to herself.
"Oh, that wasn't the waiter, that was just me perching on the back of the chair. I can't see anything from the seat. Would you like a glass of water?" crow replied. Green Druid had been very subtle indeed, but now she wondered if they shouldn't find a different table, perhaps the roof was leaking!
"Oh yes, I come here all the time, but each night the floor is washed and waxed, and the tables get shuffled about, so it's like a new room to me every day. I think I'd like to sit closer to the bar. I can follow the sound of your talons on the floor, so just walk slowly, please."
Once again, at the bar, Green Druid felt another droplet, this time on her nose. She had to speak up, something was wrong.
"Excuse me, barkeeper," she called.
"Yes, what's your pleasure?" a voice like an echo returned from her left
"I think there may be a leak. I have felt two water droplets already, one over in the corner, and one here at the bar."
"Oh, sorry! I didn't mean to - that is, I wasn't trying to - oh dear. I'll come down." a voice like jingle bells came from above. Then a slight breeze, and a clammy dampness settled to her right.
"I'm Moon Cloud. I've come here because my beloved Other Pub has been closed by the Health Office. I sometimes drip a little when I'm very sad, and I'm sorry if I startled you." Moon Cloud extended a wispy tendril, so Green Druid, feeling the damp chill shift, extended her hand also towards Moon Cloud.
Puzzled, Crow asked "Do I know you? I think I know you. Oh shoot. I think I must have done something terrible, because when Mrs. Crow hit me with that rolling pin, I have lost my memory. All I have is a note that I like eating sole with portobello mushrooms. I didn't know I liked mushrooms. And something about shoes, and thumbs being amputated." He left off the part about the thumbs being bitten off. He didn't want more panic.
"If I can have your note, I can look within it and see behind what is written. Even though my eyes don't work, I can see many things others can't" said Green, and Crow handed over the note obligingly, hoping to discover what had incurred Mrs. Crow's wrath so severe.
Green Druid felt the note, and meditated with it. After only a minute, she spoke, "I know what has happened to you. The grinning cat, and a horse and cart, there was a nun, but not a nun. You don't like mushrooms. Yes, I think I've got it."
"What happened?" asked Moon Cloud anxiously. Her old friend didn't recognise her, and she was worried.
"It's not what has happened," said Green Druid, her voice growing very low and quiet, "It's what's going to happen..."

OOH! somebody write more, I want to know!

[Billy Joe Bob]

Meanwhile in a field far, far away, Billy Joe Bob was picking pumpkins and singing.

Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Don't let 'em pick guitars and drive them old trucks
Make 'em be doctors and lawyers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
They'll never stay home and they're always alone
Even with someone they love

Picking pumpkins wasn’t exactly the kind of thing a real ranch hand should be doing, but he’d already saddled Lady Moon Chaser’s horse, cleaned out the stalls, fed the cats, stretched some barbed wire and dug a well, and here it was only 10 a.m. He thought he’d pick a few pumpkins before branding the dogs after lunch.

Yep, the old Texan thought to himself, that dog Storm had a mind of his own, always running off from the Ohio farm to someplace back East. That silly “invisible fence” thing didn’t seem to be working. He thought that what’s good for a cow should be good for a dog, and he’d fashioned a set of smaller irons with the LMC brand. And since he was going to brand Storm, he figured he might as well just brand all the dogs, that way if any of them ran off again, people would know where they belonged.

Billy Joe Bob spied another ripe pumpkin in the corner of the pumpkin patch and walked over to it. He thumped it, then jumped back in alarm when the gourd spoke.

“Stop that! Get your hands off of me!”

Billy Joe Bob waited a few seconds, for his heart to stop racing. He’d heard that voice before, and thought he could place it.

“Selene? Is that you in there? How in tarnation did ye get yerself stuck inside a pumpkin? Good god awmighty woman, don’t this beat all? Here wait a minute, let me get ye outa there.” And with that he bent over again to cut the pumpkin, but again Selene shrieked, “STOP! I’m not IN the pumpkin, I AM the pumpkin."

Again Selene spoke. “Look, Kernos made me an administrator and it turned me orange, and the next thing I knew I was ripening in this field. And I don’t have my laptop, I don’t know what I’m going to do!”

Billy Joe Bob just sat down on the ground and scratched his head, wondering what would happen next …

[Underground River]

Note to Moon Cloud (not part of the story):
MC, please stop reading my mind. How did you know I smell strange liquids to know if they are unpleasant or not? :lol: You frightened me with how you seem to know me...

Back to the story...

Alferian was strolling down the street, searching for fallen branches to make more wands. His stock was getting low because so many people were joining the OBOD and buying wands that he and his ten apprentices just couldn't make enough to keep up! Suddenly, Alferian heard a loud, shrill cry. He turned about in alarm but nobody else seemed to hear anything. The sound pounded into his head, and he thought his ears would burst from the sound. He finally decided the sound was coming from his right, so he headed that-a-way. He saw a very large tree, and instantly realized it was the largest oak tree he had ever known. He was a little intimidated by its size, but since it seemed to be screaming decided to go and speak with it to calm its spirit down. He spoke to the tree in his mind "mighty oak, I am Alferian, speak to me that I might help you resolve whatever so troubles you..."
The tree gave one last shrill scream, and before Alferian's astonished eyes, broke apart with a horrible rending of wood and tumbling of beautiful leaves. Alferian stood there, staring in horror as the might tree screamed its last words.
"Take my thickest branch and make a staff, you will require it in this life!" The dying tree shreaked.
Alferian walked to the biggest branch and touched it tenderly. The branch felt warm and still alive. He carried it home to his wand shop and began working on it. It took him awhile, because his meditations on what should be carved into it took hours to come to him. Finally, he knew what to carve.
(I'll let somebody who knows about wand carving to say what he carved.)
Green Druid

[Kat Lady]

As Alferian toiled over the carving of his wondrous staff, Billy Joe Bob continued to sit, cradling Pumpkin Selene in his hands. What should he do: find help, make a pie or carve a jack-o-lantern? Selene, having seen this look in his eyes before, said in her best Moderator’s voice, “Don’t even think about it!” right as Lady Moon Chaser galloped up and reined Moon to a stop.

“Easy Moon,” she calmly stated to the somewhat agitated horse. “I thought I heard Selene. By the way, BJB, what are you doing to that pumpkin?”

“I’m right here!” replied Pumpkin Selene as Billy Joe Bob sheepishly handed her to Lady Moon Chaser.

“Selene! What happened to you?” Lady Moon Chaser dismounted from Moon and gently took Pumpkin Selene in her hands.

“Kernos made me a Moderator and I turned orange and….I’m missing my laptop! It’s just too much!” The Pumpkin began to shake with uncontrolled sobs, tear-seeds rolling down her shell.

Lady Moon Chaser gasped in horror. Could it be true? Could becoming a Moderator turn you into a pumpkin?Could the beloved laptop actually be missing or worse yet, be stolen? Can pumpkins cry and if so, should she gather the seeds to dry them for the guests of her Samhuinn gathering?

Meanwhile, back at the Druid’s Head, Green Druid, Moon Cloud and Crow were still attempting to piece together the puzzle of what had happened to Crow and return his lost memories.

"It's what is going to happen," Green Druid continued, "that will restore our fine-feathered friends lost memories. A piece of his past will roll in on little cat's feet..." and with that the door to the pub opened and in walked Kat Lady, holding the paw of the strangest looking kitten anyone has ever seen. Close behind her were Jeb, Craig and SP (the Obodie formerly known as Stillpoint who joined the revolution and decided rather than lose her point again she would become liberated and just use her initials).

"Hello all!" she purred. "Little Kat-Storm and I went to the Foggy Duck for a little dab o'milk and met up with some old friends. Since the Duck has been closed by those big government types, Craig suggested that we pop over here for a little nip and..."Kat stopped in mid sentence and began scratching under her cat collar uncontrollably. Out dropped a rubber mouse, some cat-nip, a pumpkin-portabello mushroom burger, Selene's laptop...

"SELENE'S LAPTOP!" gasped Craig.

"A Pumpkin-Portabello Mushroom burger!" cried Mooncloud as she darted toward the fallen burger.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO......!" came the call from Jeb, Craig and SP (the Obodie formerly known as Stillpoint) as they dove to block Moon Cloud from reaching the partially eaten burger..."PARTIALLY EATEN BURGER??!!!" they said in unison.

Crow had just enough time to blink, flap his wings once and say "I think I am remembering..." as he saw Kat-Storm lick his lips and then the tidal wave over took him......

[Crow]

Just as Billy Joe Bob was sitting through the night with Selene in the pumpkin patch, unsure of what to do; just as Alferian and Azrienoch were working to carve the mysterious oaken staff; just as Crow was regaining his memory, and, with the others, saw little Kat-Storm bite into a slightly rancid portobello burger, it was dinner time in Dublin.

Little Patrick Delaney, 10, had just thrown a spoonful of mashed potatoes at his shrieking 6-year-old sister, Mary, when the clock struck 6 o’clock. They also heard a siren start to wail from atop the firehouse a block away.

“You children stop that this minute!” said the children’s mother. “Did you hear me?” she said, louder this time, as the children continued their horseplay. “Children! You heard the siren and the clock chime six! It’s Beith Hour, and if you don’t stop your misbehaving I’m going to make you go outside and play at the curb!” The children quieted immediately, knowing – just as children all over Dublin knew – that their mother was serious when she made that particular threat.

Just then they heard the squealing sound of tortured tyres and a racing engine, followed a short time later by a loud crash. Next they heard the squealing tyres start up again, the engine noise grew louder, a car horn blared, and then a careening vehicle raced past the front of the Delaney house, its noise finally dwindling into the distance.

“Beith the Barefooted,” whispered a wide-eyed little Mary as she wiped mashed potatoes from her forehead. “We’ll never misbehave again, Mum,” said Patrick, making the sign of the cross.

Inside the car, Beith was hurrying home after lecturing her professors on an obscure point of ancient Irish folklore. She had a paper to write tonight, and since she was running late and had no time to cook, she had stopped at her favorite pizza restaurant to pick up the pepperoni pizza that she’d ordered 20 minutes before. The box was on the floorboards of the passenger seat now, where it had fallen after her last crash, but the redhead was able to reach down and grab a slice of pizza as she continued to race down the street.

“Oh bother,” she thought, “they’ve given me the wrong pizza! I ordered pepperoni, but this looks like some kind of mushroom.” She took a bite …


* * *

The world stopped spinning for Crow, Green Druid, Moon Cloud, Jeb, Craig and Kat Lady. It was cold. There was ice and snow for as far as the eye could see.

“Could someone please raise the thermostat?” asked Green Druid. “Honestly, it’s not that hot outside. Do we really need the air conditioning?”

“Uh, Green, hate to break it to you this way,” said Crow, "but we’re not exactly at The Druid’s Head anymore.”

“Where are we then?” asked Green Druid.

It was Kat Lady, cuddling little Kat-Storm, who provided the answer: “I had just been reading to him before we left. It was from his new book, ‘All About Antarctica.’ ”

Crow shivered. Thanks to Green Druid’s amazing tactile ability, he remembered everything now and wished he hadn’t. Antarctica! The portobello burgers were all gone. How would they get out of here?

[grian]

SP, having taken a short broomstick ride to see mama SP, landed with a clump and, putting her hat straight again, said
'this IS the place to be, from what i just read in this amazing book! apparently, ATLANTIS is meant to be under antarctica! aint that great! from some map or other, what we have to do is get in a circle and chant a mantra, holding hands, and, if we have the right amount of peeps, the snow will gently melt and we will sink slowly down into the wonderful city!
we need LMC and Beith tho, and maybe a few others to get the volume and pitch right. By the way, beith needs a topup spell to keep the McLoafer at bay, so i said we would do a quickie for her -ok guys?
o, i'm so excited, always wanted to go to atlantis'......

[Ruthie]

The controversey in Antarctica continued, as the crowd jostled for position in their circle.
"I'll take West," said Jeb, raising his hand, and stomping over to where he thought West was.
"I wanted West. You take North," said Craig, shoving Jeb instead into South and taking his place at what Jeb thought was West.
Moon Cloud stayed put, expecting her position would eventually be determined to be East, only to find she was in fact, West, after all. Once Jeb and Craig realsied their mistake, they rushed at Moon Cloud from both sides, and collided in a puff of snow.
Crow and Green Druid observed the commotion from a safe distance.
"You say these people are my friends?" asked Crow, "They're in Antarctica, having a pub brawl, arguing over compass points."
"Yes, well, just don't get hit over the head again." Green Druid replied. Her reply decidedly lacked the comfort factor she intended.
Seeing the two whisper together conspiratorially, Jeb, Craig, and Moon Cloud (who had managed to reconstitute herself) knew for a fact that Crow and Green Druid had worked out their position, and were presently occupying the much-coveted West. The three prepared for a slow-motion assault (speed was obviously hampered by the two feet of snow in which they stood), to recapture West, and and once again wrestle for dominance there. Kat-Lady took Kat-Storm and hid behind a snowbank.
The snowbank jiggled, and a little conical piece of fabric peeked out.
"SP, is that you?" asked Kat-Lady, wary of jiggling snowbanks with fabric in them (Kat lady was unaware as to why she was wary of this, but wary she was, regardless)
"Yes, I think so," came a voice from the heap, "my Gods, this snow is heavy, can you help me up?"
Just then, a blood-curdling scream was heard from the same snowbank. Jeb, Craig and Moon Cloud stopped in their tracks, and turned to look at the screaming snow. Crow and Green Druid, who were making a slow-motion retreat from their advancing attackers, couldn't take any more stress in their very confusing day, and decided to fall over now, and get it over with.
"I BROKE A HEEL!" screamed the snow, "AND I'M COVERED IN SNOW!"
"SP, are you sure it's you under there?" asked Kat lady again.
"ummm, yes? I think so? " came the unsure reply, followed immediately by a much louder "NO! It most certainly is NOT, It's ME!"
A hand energed from the snowbank, holding up an open-toed stiletto with a lovely design of sequined vines minus the heel. A moment later, another hand appeared, holding the heel.

[Underground River]

Alferian leaned back in his chair, exhausted. He had finally finished carving the beautiful staff of the mightiest oak he had ever known. He was still very sad that the tree had died to give him the beautiful wood, but he felt no anger from the staff, just a calm, powerful determination. The staff must be a gift from the elves, he thought. It must be very powerful indeed. He heard a knock on the door and opened it to see Azrienoch standing there looking tired and concerned. "How'd it go?" asked Azrienoch.
"It's finished," replied Alferian. "I have been up all night carving runes and am going to bed. I am so exhausted and my meditations aren't telling me what this staff is for or whom to give it to."
Suddenly Alferian heard a voice in his head. It was loud, but not painfully so. "Take me to Antarctica!" commanded the staff. "I am needed there to help some people in distress. They are fighting over the forming of the grove and they need to be put in order. They need not fear me, I have gentle ways of putting folks in order. You, Alferian, must be my wielder. I will answer only to your commands. Green Druid may touch me once because she is so curious about staves, but she may not wield me. Now, I will help you cast a spell that we might reach the others. Oh yes, Azrienoch, you come too..."

(This story is sooooooooo much fun! Thanks for starting it, Crow. I love these kinds of stories.)
Green Druid

[Billy Joe Bob]

Dawn was breaking over Ohio, and there was frost on the pumpkin.

Selene, shivering in the cold, said, “B-B-B-Billy J-J-J-Joe B-B-B Bob, wake up, it’s m-m-m-morning.”

“Well I declare,” said Billy Joe Bob, “it ain’t often that somebody wakes up earlier than me, but then I never slept alongside a pumpkin before neither, har har.”

The cowboy wiped the frost off of Selene with his bandana, and soon they were able to talk normally.

“Look, Billy Joe Bob, this situation is not improving,” said Selene. “If only I had my laptop, maybe I could figure something out, but as things now stand, I think you’re going to have to carry me somewhere and get help. We can’t just sit here until I rot.”

“Well little lady,” said Billy Joe Bob, “You know I’m game to help ye, and I reckon what I’ll do is mosey on down to that next farm down yonder on account of when I was helpin’ that ol’ boy plow his field last week, I seen that he has my old pack of jackasses that I used to own when I lived back in Texas, you know the ones I had awhile back when I traded ‘em for that Harley. Well I don’t know how they come to be in Ohio, but there they are, and that feller I helped with the plowin’ said he didn’t want ‘em no more, and he was willin’ to give ‘em to me, but at the time I dint have no use for ‘em. But now I reckon I could load ye up on one and we could go see about findin' ye some help.”

Selene for once did not have a better idea, and so she waited until the Texan returned about an hour later, leading a pack of donkeys. He gently strapped Selene onto the back of one while he mounted another, and they set out in search of help.

They had been walking for about an hour when Billy Joe Bob saw a dust cloud approaching. It was a truck traveling fast on the dirt road toward them. The old cowboy drove the donkeys to the side of the road, and soon saw that the approaching vehicle was an 18-wheeler. On its side were the words Night Hawk Express Delivery, and behind the wheel was EarthWard.

The truck pulled to a stop and EarthWard jumped out. “Billy Joe Bob, good to see you again, it’s been a long time.”

“Well hey there young feller, EarthWard ain’t it?” asked Billy Joe Bob. “Yer right, it has been a month o’ Sundays since I seen you last. What you been up to?”

“Well,” said EarthWard, I’ve got a new job, obviously. Maybe you didn’t hear, but Night Hawk had so much success with her ritual drumming compact discs that she bought her own delivery service, and since she needed drivers, I was first in line to apply. In fact, yesterday I picked up a package in Minnesota from Alferian and Azrienoch, and I’m driving it to Tierra del Fuego, where Night Hawk herself will meet us, and then she’ll fly this package the rest of the way to Antarctica. It doesn’t say who it’s going to. Alferian said that the thing inside the package would somehow inform us when it reaches the right person in Antarctica. Sounds crazy to me, but then this is a crazy business.”

Selene, sensing an opportunity, spoke up. “This could be the key. EarthWard, can you take us with you?”

EarthWard gave a start. “Uh, Billy Joe Bob, is that a talking pumpkin you have there? And how the hell does it know who I am?”

“Aw don’t get too riled up there young feller,” said the Texan. “That’s Selene yer talkin’ to there. Kernos turned her into an administrator, and that turned her orange, and durned if she didn’t wake up the next day as a pumpkin in Ohio. Durned if we know exactly how it happened, but we’re primed to try and fix it, and if she says she wants to go south, then I guaranandamntee ye that that’s what we oughta do, on account of this little lady ain’t been wrong too often that I’ve seen, though most o’ them times before she wasn’t a gourd.”

EarthWard opened the back of the truck and loaded the donkeys inside. He then slid back behind the wheel, and with Billy Joe Bob sitting in the passenger seat, and with Selene sitting between them, the truck continued south to Tierra del Fuego.

[Underground River]

ROTFL I love the way Billy Joe Bob talks.

NightHawk sat in her chair, concentrating. She knew a package and some crazy people were arriving soon, for her messenger pigeon (I spelled that wrong right?) had delivered a message telling her that EarthWard, Celene, and that crazy Texan Billy Joe Bob and some mules would be accompanying Alferian's package on the trip to antarctica.
NightHawk didn't think her little 4-person plane could hold them all. She didn't know how they would get to Antarctica if she couldn't fly them all there.
Suddenly, from a place far away, inside a package wrapped by Alferian, a voice thundered telepathically over the miles to NightHawk... "I will take you all there. No need for a plane. Planes are ok, but I am faster. Everybody will fly south on me like witches flying around on brooms."
Nighthawk was slightly disappointed that she wouldn't be flying everybody south, but she decided that Alferian's package must know what it was talking about.
Green Druid

[Ruthie]

Meanwhile, back in the frozen South, Jeb had succeeded in pulling Beith from the snow. After a little more digging, SP was found under there as well, and she, too, was retrieved.
"How'd you two end up down here in Antarctica?" the bewildered Moon Cloud asked, keeping high above the others, in case the snowbank happened to become West.
Beith answered first, "I was driving home from work, in quite a hurry, and it was a good thing that the streets were pretty empty, because I had worn these," holding up the severed shoe, "and it's hard to press the pedals with stilettos on, and so my pizza fell on the floor. And I didn't get my pepperoni, but they put mushrooms on it, and I was really thinking about the paper I had to write about the existance of Atlantis and evidence thereof in ancient Irish literature, which I had just finishing translating at work earlier that day. I was hungry, so I took a bite, and here I am."
Her story filled an entire 15 seconds, and was completed in one breath. The crowd nodded politely, even though they understood only "mushroom" and "Atlantis" and, blank-faced, turned to face Still Point.
"I just popped over my mom's and she got on this health food kick," she started, "I don't know why, because she's really in great shape for her age, I mean, she'll probably live to be a hundred and fifty years old. But anyway, she gave me a bite for supper, as I was explaining the links between Atlantis and the British Isles,"
"Ireland, in particular," Beith interrupted,
"Yes, Ireland in particular, and the sandwich tasted somehow familiar. I was about to ask what it was made from, but Momma SP didn't raise any impolite Points, just me and my brothers and sisters; Single, Central, Opposite, and End; so I was chewing before I asked, because we don't talk with our mouths full, and then suddenly I was under Beith, and under the snow. So where are we, really?"
SP, who explains things very thoroughly, also gestures with her hands as she talks, so her animated story took quite a bit longer. Long enough, in fact, for Crow and Green Druid to get up again and join the stunned crowd by the snowbank.
"We heard screaming," said Green Druid.
"So we buried ourselves in the snow to hide from nasty predators." finished Crow, giving Green Druid a knowing nudge in the elbow.
"Yeah," said Jeb, "predators in heels, and predators wearing pointy hats."
"Stillettos!"
"Excuse me, but that is my point you're talking about. It's a family heirloom," ranted SP
"Oh, now you've got her going again," said Craig, making a move once again to what he was sure this time was actually West.
"You boys aren't going to find west down here," Moon Cloud announced, slightly amused, but still banged-up from the earlier collision, "We're at the South Pole. Everything from here is North. There's no East, or South, or West, either."
Jeb and Craig looked down at their feet, and walked a few paces away from each other.
"Well, if there's no West or East, how will we make our circle? We can't all be North, can we?" asked Geen Druid, now completely unsure about how to proceed. "How can we do Beith's top up spell if there's no South?"
Kat Lady shaking the last of the snow from Kat-Storm's tail murmered, "I don't think this is about Beith's top-up spell anymore. I've checked my collar, and there's no more mushroom burgers in there. I think we'll need to melt the snow and find Atlantis."
Shock, horror, disbelief and hopelessness all took turn gracing the faces of the wearied crowd. Hopelessness, tending to linger the longest, found Jeb's face particularly confortable, and intended to stay the night. Kat-Storm, however, noticed this and, rubbing Jeb's ankle brought the involuntary smile which is known world-wide as the bane of Hopelessness, so it left, too.
Just then, a whistling sound and several claps as loud as thunder filled the air. A speeding *thing* was seen to cross the sky, and Moon Cloud was once again trampled as others sought cover from the *thing*.
"It's just a UFO, I see them all the time," offered Moon Cloud from her various bits scattered over the landscape, "really, no cause for alarm."

[Underground River]

Green Druid was extremely alarmed, however. She covered her ears and tried to hide behind a huge snow bank. SP tried to comfort Green Druid while Moon Cloud spread herself very thin trying to see what was in the sky. The thunderous sound grew louder and louder, and suddenly a bolt of lightning rent (I hope that's the right word) the darkness. Green Druid screamed in fear, even though she was blind, she felt the bolt, it was so close. Her hair stood on end and she knew electricity was in the air. "It's ok, Green Druid," said a voice in her pounding head. "It's just me, a staff carrying a bunch of people down here to set this place in order. Alferian sent me to put this place in order and I picked up some folks on the way. I am carved from the branch of a lightning-blasted oak. I will not hurt you, but lightning is in my spirit forever so I tend to spark a bit sometimes. Anyway, I hear you are curious about what staves and wands would feel like so I thought I'd let you know that sometimes we can be unsettling and touching us may cause strange things to happen. So, Green Druid, be warned of the power of our magic..."
Green Druid stood, awe-struck and very afraid.
"Green Druid," called a voice with a pronounced Texas accent. "I'm derned if I know why yer standin' there like a stone pillar. Are you standin' there on account of being so excited that all yer friends are here?"
"Billy Joe Bob!" cried Green Druid. "Who have you brought with you?"
Green Druid

[grian]

Gathered in a circle, expectant, the friends waited.

'Listen now' said Wanderful, Alferians masterpiece, so carefully brought to them by BJB, Selene, Earthward and NightHawk.

'You have three elements here, sky, water and air, but you are missing EARTH - the journey cannot go on without this. Earthward, you will be my caretaker, as your name implies, and Stillpoint, you are known not to take sides, so you must protect Earthward and me. Here is what I want you to do' .........

[grian]

*************************************************************

What a stunning tower of power their chanting made, and the group looked around in wonder as they slowly drifted down through the layers of turquoise, green, emerald and silver, finally coming to rest in a huge cavern.

High above them, silvery wafts of ice-cloud hid the ceiling from view, and to every side all they could see on the horizon was crinkling twinkling flashes of light, teasing with their sparkle.

In front of them, a sheer cliff-face of transparent ice, encasing a kaleidoscope of effervescent swirls of colour, moving and dancing like snakes.

At the foot of the cliff, a tunnel like a sinuous blue artery weaving its way seemingly into neverneverland, ominous and forbidding with the smoke and heat billowing forth.

'Look up there' gestured Wanderful ' see on that ledge, a beautiful apple tree, its roots deep in soil. This is your Earth, and you must obtain some of this in order to continue your journey. One of you must caretake this earth, and three of you must carry three of the apple flowers to be of help to you in the time to come'

'BBBBBBut how will we get up there - it's soooooooo high' trembles a littel voice.

'There, there, KatStorm my sweet' calmly said Wanderful ' your grove between them have many many talents, some as yet undiscovered, and you will all find a way. But stay far from the tunnel - at no time allow the temptation to enter therein, for that way sorrow lies. Remember THREE THINGS : the qualities of ice, the power of sound and the magic of silence, and your way will be assured'......

[Billy Joe Bob]

Just as Wanderful said “the magic of silence,” Billy Joe Bob spoke up.

“Now lookee here everbody. I’ve always took to adventures just like honey on a biscuit, and ever last one of ye knows that it’s true. Since I’ve knowed all of ye, I crossed the ocean more times than a fish; I performed a jailbreak on a Harley; I fought giant lizards at that rock pile ye call Stonehenge; I been sucked through a cider vat; I been throwed into a shoe factory; I seen a girl with a neckbone that had her head spinnin’ like a top; and I seen bonfires made outa shoes.” The Texan paused to take a breath, but he wasn’t finished yet.

“And just recent here, I seen talkin’ pumpkins and some of the fastest durn drivin’ this side o’ the Injunapolis Fivehunert. And if that don’t top everthin, what was it we was haulin’ but a talkin’ fencepost! Well I thought I’d seen everthin', but durned if the fencepost dint have other ideas, ‘cause as soon as we droved up to the end of South Americky, the durn thing comes explodin’ outa the box and tells us all to mount up. Well Night Hawk was there, and I reckon we was lucky that she knows how to fly, and that’s the only reason I was willin’ to do it. But listen here, we’re all straddlin’ the fencepost and gettin ready to take off, and guess what … Selene here caint straddle,” he said jerking a thumb at the pumpkin, who was now sitting on the floor of the cavern. “No, how in tarnation do ye get a talkin’ pumpkin to straddle a flyin’ fencepost, will somebody answer me that? Well, ye caint do it, dagnab it, and so guess who had to hold her while we was flyin! Well yes, I had to do it, and guess what else. How do ye suppose I could hold on to the fencepost and Selene at the same time? Well, if ye caint hold on with yer hands on account of yer holdin’ a talkin’ pumpkin, and yer sittin on a round fencepost, well there ain’t no safe way to do it, so all I could do was lock my legs around the thing, and sure enough, I slid around upside down just like Lady Moon Chaser used to do on that horse before I learned her how to tighten the cinch. But the fencepost, the almighty fencepost, he dint provide us no saddles, I guarandamntee ye he dint, and so there we was, sailin over the ocean at about 500 miles an hour with me upside down and holdin’ a pumpkin, and durn it, I lost my cowboy hat! So now, here I am, a Texan through and through, and I’m here with a bunch of crazy people, yankees and feriners most of ye, by the sound of it, and we’re sunk below the ice at the South Pole, and a flyin' fencepost is leadin' us all around by the nose, and now it says we gotsta pluck apple flowers from a tree growin under the South Pole. Well we coulda picked apple flowers in Ohio or Texas or London or Mississippi or any durned place. Why do we gotta come all the way to the South Pole with a talkin’ pumpkin and pluck apple flowers, just because a talkin’ and flyin’ fencepost says we gotsta do it? I’ve had enough, I tell ye. AND I LOST MY HAT!” Billy Joe Bob shouted this last part, in case anybody had missed it the first time. Now he just sat down on the floor of the cavern and sulked, refusing to be comforted even by Moon Cloud, who did her best to cheer him up.

The others had listened to Billy Joe Bob’s rant, but decided now that the best policy was to ignore him. Clearly, Texans just didn’t understand or appreciate the magic and grandeur of the current situation.

Soon an idea was formed, and the friends – with the exception of Billy Joe Bob, Moon Cloud and Selene – formed a human pyramid with little KatStorm at the top. He reached with his little paws and carefully plucked three blossoms from the apple tree. As soon as he was safely back on the ground, he handed the blossoms to his mother, who tucked them safely under her collar, which, as everyone had seen, was amazingly spacious.

Suddenly the earth began to tremble. Icy stalactites crashed to the ground.

“Earthquake. Sure, why not an earthquake, too, just to round things off?” said Billy Joe Bob to no one in particular.

But Wanderful said, “Fear not. All is as it should be. You will be made safe.”

Suddenly, everything began to shimmer, and the companions knew they were traveling again.

* * *

Inside the shuttered Foggy Duck Pub, Gladys was depressed. She’d removed the dryad wings from the peanut bowls and had fixed the plumbing in the bathroom. She’d cleaned up Rancid’s business in the kitchen, and had eaten all the suspect meat from the refrigerator. She’d removed the mold from the ice machine, and scrubbed the hair from the cider vats. But the slime in the beer barrels would not come out no matter how hard she scrubbed. The barrels had been in constant use since the year 1622, and the slime was thick inside. And besides, Gladys knew that the brown slime was what gave the beer at The Duck that special flavor that everyone loved.

She sat back now, exhausted. She’d worked hard, even for an ogress, and the emotion of being closed and missing all her patrons was just too much. For a long time her shoulders shook with her sobs. Finally, quieting a bit, she looked up from behind the bar where she had been futilely scrubbing the beer barrels, knowing they would fail another inspection, and saw something on a table out in the main room.

Climbing to her feet, Gladys stalked over and saw the object that had attracted her attention was a deck of cards, The Druid Craft Tarot, that had been accidentally left there by Philip, Stephanie and Will when they had burst into the pub last week. The cards were shaking and trembling, as if alive.

Gladys sat down at the table, picked up the cards, shuffled them and made a spread. Then she started to read …

[Underground River]

(I don't know a derned thing about cards on account of me being so new to druidry and all, so I'll let some other person do his/her derndest to write more about Gladys.)

Green Druid smiled to herself as she floated in a strange state of consciousness. She knew the "fencepost" was taking them somewhere, but not where. She could hear strange sounds, but none made sense. They must be speaking in a different language, she thought. Suddenly, her feet landed on what felt like tree roots. We must be in a forest, she thought. Who's talking? Are there druids here doing some ritual? Oh no, have we blundered into somebody's sacred grove? Green Druid trembled with fear, even as she clutched something in her hand...BJB's hat!

Note to BJB: Yer so derned funny I'm afeared I might die laughing!
:lol:
Green Druid

[Kat Lady]

Green Druid trembled in anticipation and the other members of the flying brigade held on for dear life as Wanderful flew them for destinations unknown. Would they make it there safely? Would they ever find Atlantis? How did Selene all of a sudden grow arms??!!!

Meanwhile, back at the Foggy Duck, Gladys tentatively turned over the first card of the Druid Craft Tarot. She had used the classic Celtic Cross spread, somehow feeling it appropriate for the times. She gasped in awe at what she saw before her. The card did not have any of the beautiful artwork she anticipated. Nor did it have any of the Major or Minor arcana in any way, shape or form. There were only 2 words on the card. 2 words that she somehow knew would be the most important words of her life. 2 words that could mean life...or death..."Look up."

Of course, Gladys did not have time to contemplate the true significance of those before Wanderful and the Antartica crew came crashing through the roof right.

Arms and legs were everywhere! (Yes, still attached. What kind of a story do you think this is?) Kat Lady's collar was tangled in Billy Joe Bob's spurs, Green Druid looked greener than usual due to the speed of the descent, and Selene was rolling about, attempting to stop herself with her newly grown arms.

"Git offa me, KAT!" cried Billy Joe Bob as he pulled the disheveled Kat from his spur.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip was the responding sound as Kat's collar flew apart, the items held behind it flying around the room in chaos. Up flew the rubber mouse, down flew the anteater. There were tinkle balls and crinkle balls all over the place. Last but not least came Selene's laptop.

"My laptop!" cried Pumpkin Selene. "Catch it before it hits the ground!"

Moon Cloud attempted to solidify beneath it to stop or slow the machine's descent. But it was too late.

Silence descended upon the room. Selene's laptop was...broken. How were they to ever get out of this situation now?

"My laptop!" sobbed the pumpkin. "How can it ever be fixed?"

Quick like a bunny, her call was answered as Mandahr burst through the door of the Foggy Duck with a disgruntled Branbeith on his back. He raised his rhino horn (with pieces of the door remaining on it) and said, "Did I hear someone needs a laptop fixed?"

Branbeith grinned at Pumpkin Selene and said, "Orange you glad we are here?"

[Branbeith]

Branbeith slid gracefully off the odd white polka-dotted rhino and muttered "smelly beast" under her breath and surveyed what remained of the laptop. It was hard to figure her out actually...birchtree..then raven...birch tree...She kept changing back and forth. Finally the raven incarnation won out and BRANbeith smiled.
Kat Lady muttered "Chaos incarnate" under her breath as she warily eyed the raven. The apprehension gave away to fear as she realized the bird was holding a STICK in its right claw...

"BRANbeith, put the stick DOWN!" Kat Lady snarled, favoring the ebony nuisance with a look usually saved for really naughty children.
"He will take care of the laptop." BRANbeith said, pointing a wing at the polkadotted rhino.(Yup the dots were every color BUT blue..because he hated the color - a sore spot for BRANBEITH. In fact, that was what they were arguing about until Kat Lady (who was into everything and had to know about everything) somehow used the JAMESSS (Jamie's Swirling Slide of Sequence) to get Mandahr here to fix Selene's Laptop.
"You were not invited!" Kat Lady hissed at BRANbeith.
"Remember what curiousity did to the cat.." The Raven cooed back, showing off a little because Crow was admiring her sleek glossy plumage. Then he remembered Mrs.Crow and a certain rolling pin and quickly looked way.
"I came here to warn Craig...She is after him."
Crow, still fretting over the fact that his memory was not what it should be..quickly looked over his notes..."Vat..swirling amber liquid...The Hills are alive with the sound...Shoes...bonfire... a cat disappearing leaving only a smile... lap top...Kat-Storm..invisible fence...Antarctica..."
"Nothing about Craig."
Selene, once again using her best Administrator's voice said"I think you are mistaken, BRANbeith...."

"OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!!!" a shrill cry cut off any reamrks the peanut gallery had for their beloved pumpkin (with arms!!). An angry card (Hearts) ,female wearing a crown, appeared out of a reflective piece of glass that use to be Selene's monitor.

"Where is the one called Craig...??" She demanded as the valiant crowd carefully pushed Craig to the back. "It is thanks to him that I now have this bald-headed wacko wearing a black and red jumper at the hatter's tea party asking for Earl Grey-hot and to make it so."
KAT Lady came quickly to Craig's defense.. "I was the one with the Portabella mushroom burgers..." The thought made her smile and she started to fade around it.."
"Silence!" BRANbeith muttered..and flicked the stick. Kat Lady appeared..the only thing missing was her mouth!!!
"The one called Craig started it all....if he hadn't fallen into the vat...the whole crazy trip wouldn't have started, and the portals would not have been left open...and that crazy wacko wouldn't be ruining an otherwise perfect tea party.."

"I know the gentleman, he really is an enterprising fellow.." BRANbeith said innocently....." Kat Lady couln't even groan because at this point in the story she still lacked a mouth!"

"I will find him!!" The Queen of hearts shrieked...and she disappeared....."

"Now what?" Every one asked in unison, except for poor Craig, who was shaking uncontollably and the muted Kat Lady...